American Fuggy

Mena Suvari is confusing me.

First, she showed up around Bryant Park in this ensemble, which is essentially Catholic Schoolgirl as bastardized by several of today’s cloying trends (leggings, tights, imagined air of brooding mystery). As you might imagine, this photo is an especial anathema to our sensibilities because it tries to fuse the dreaded formal shorts craze with The Spandex Scourge.

Then, she shrugged off living in The Now — the terribly, terribly trendy Now — and arrived at the Stuff Style awards in a variety of cloying trends from a year or two ago.

Tons of giant necklaces? Check. (Even Hilary Duff has given those up by now, Mena.) Ashlee Simpson’s old hair, from back when she was being punky so that it would appear she possessed her own identity? Check. Dress over pants that makes her look bloated and so floaty that she’s in danger of being caught in a slamming car door? You betcha! Random extra layer that resembles a sleeveless black sweater? Oh HELLS yes!

I was going to say that I think Mena needs to figure out whether she’s yesterday’s rebel, or today’s preening sourpuss, before she goes any further. But because either answer requires a subsequent immediate, intensive stint in wardrobe rehab, she might as well just check herself in now and figure it out as she detoxes, thus sparing herself any more awkward periods of indecision.