Annoyingly Well Played BAFTA Red Carpet: Sharon Stone

“HELLO BITCHES! I know. I know. You don’t need to say it. I LOOK AWESOME. And WHY? Why do I look so awesome? BECAUSE I AM AWESOME, THAT’S WHY. I was dancing around my hotel room today to the Christian Bale Temper Tantrum Dance Remix — that kid is so misunderstood, I need to remember to fax him a little poem I wrote about him — and thinking to myself, ‘Sharon, enough with the frocks made from the shredded loins of wee rodents and the bralessness and the terrible eye-makeup that makes me look like I was assaulted by the new boy working the Benefit counter and the wearable/edible pintas and the hat made of corn chips. In this time of massive economic suckery, the world doesn’t need Sharon Stone 2.0: The Courtney Love Years. It needs Sharon Stone 1.0: The Sharon Stone Years.’ And so I’m BACK, bitches. BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Lock up your menfolk and hide the scotch, because I am here to stay! PS: I wasn’t sure about the hose with this, and then I was like, WHO CARES? I’m Sharon f’ing Stone.”