Are You Fug?

What, exactly, qualified Lorenzo Lamas [or, as I like to call him, Lorenzo Llamas, because llamas are funny] to judge the relative hotness of others on the tragically misguided and not nearly sufficiently snarky Are You Hot? Was it naked and incriminating photos of ABC executives? Because look at the way boyfriend — and his “girlfriend” — is dressing:

Is that shirt made of taffeta? Flame-colored taffeta? And why is it so big? It looks like he made it out of a set of particularly dramatic drawing room curtains, but lost a significant amount of weight between whipping it up on his trusty Singer sewing machine and posing for this seriously alarming photograph. Scarlett O’Fuga, please leave the curtains-to-clothing transformation to the pros, because you look the fool.

As for your “companion,” I’d like to point out that she’s wearing what appears to be a hot pink, smocked, sequined tube top. A tube top that Barbie herself would dismiss as being “a little too pink.”" A tube top that a drag queen would discard for being “slightly too much.” A tube top that a whore would dispose of for being “somewhat too slutty.” A tube top that she’s paired with a mini skirt which appears to be made of old sweatpants. Clearly. Tube tops plus sweatpants equals “Oh God no.”

The less said about her alarmingly pert bosoms the better. How I long for a laser pointer.