FERGIE: Hilary. You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?
HILARY: Because… should I not be?
FERGIE: Do tree stumps smile?
FERGIE: WELL THEN:
NAOMI WATTS: I can’t believe we’re still doing this one-armed thing. Seriously, you guys? STILL? Even Kim Kardashian gave it up!
STELLA MCCARTNEY: I actually look surprisingly great here. This pattern is adorable! Yay! I win! I WIN!
RASHIDA JONES: Oh God. Zooey PROMISED this wasn’t contagious!
JADA: Don’t worry. I may look restrained, but skirt is still totally see-through, and thus I’m still ME.
WILL: Don’t worry. I’ll age eventually. Maybe.
JADEN: Don’t worry, Willow and I wll find this funny someday. Until then, I’m totally burning these pants when I get home.
WILLOW: I believe I am wearing my inner monologue.
LADY EDITH: Do I look okay?
LADY MARY: You look very much like you just posed for a John Singer Sargent portrait.
LADY EDITH: …and?
LADY MARY: It’s a compliment, you dolt.
LADY EDITH: God, there’s no need to be so Method.
LADY MARY: Sorry. I’m just tired of people asking me where Matthew is. HE ISN’T REAL, PEOPLE. I mean, he IS real. But HE’S not real.
LADY EDITH: The more you talk, the more perplexed my face gets.
LADY MARY: Speaking of, your face in real life is so much nicer than the face they give you on Downton Abbey.
LADY EDITH: Um, thanks? I like your dress quite a lot.
LADY MARY: AND…?
LADY EDITH: And the gloves have got to go. WE’RE NOT ON SET.
LADY MARY: AREN’T WE? HAVE YOU SEEN YOU?
LADY EDITH: THIS ISN’T PERIOD APPROPRIATE!
LADY MARY: Oh, whatever. You look nice. I hope this season you get to marry some nice handsome young man instead of a creepy old dude with enormous teeth who can barely muster up any enthusiasm for you.
LADY EDITH: You look nice, too. I hope this season Matthew’s penis works correctly.
LADY MARY: The whole WORLD hopes that.
JON BON JOVI: HA haaaaaa.
TIGER WOODS: Heh. Heh-heh.
DAVID COOK: YEEAAAAAAAH.
JBJ: Hilarious, man.
TIGER: Yeah! Uh, what is?
DAVID: I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HERE BUT I AM SO GLAD I CAME!
JBJ: Good joke, Tiger, man. CLASSIC.
TIGER: … Did I say anything?
DAVID: BANANAS! WOULD BE DELICIOUS RIGHT NOW BUT IT ALSO APPLIES TO THIS SITUATION!!!
JBJ: LOVE the balls it takes to be outed as a total womanizer, and then show up at an event WEARING a woman’s blouse from 1984. You have mad stones, Woods.
TIGER: I… do? Uh, I mean, I do. I DO. HAR.
JBJ: You look like David Silver. Who I believe WAS a woman’s blouse from 1984.
TIGER: A 90210 reference from Jon Bon Jovi feels misplaced.
DAVID: NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE EVER BEEN FUNNIER!!!!!
TIGER: I’m pretty sure I’m not inviting you guys next year.