Fug File: Fug the Fromage

Fug the Fromage: The Lost Valentine, Starring J.Lo.Hew

Feb 7, 2011 By Heather AT 10:00 am

As soon as we found out that Golden Globe-nominated Kind Touch specialist Jennifer Love Hewitt was appearing in a Hallmark Hall Of Fame TV movie on CBS alongside Betty White, we had to see it.  For one thing, she is playing a reporter — which means that in addition to being a Kind Toucher, she’s now a Truth Toucher. And second:

Spoiler: That shot of J.Lo.Hew in the lower right corner never appears in this movie.

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if you were Betty White, and you realized you’d capped the most fruitful and pop-culturally hip 18 months of your career by sharing the screen with a woman who was in The Client List? I’ll show you:

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Let Us Touch It Together

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Fug the Fromage: Mean Girls 2 AKA TINA FEY WEEPS

Jan 28, 2011 By Jessica AT 10:00 am

Oh my god. Look. You guys OWE ME for this one. You think that Mean Girls 2 would be an easy assignment, right? I mean, Mean Girls: Original Flavor is genius. So surely that genius might trickle down, right? WRONG. This thing is more of a hot mess than Lindsay Lohan is right now.

First of all, it opens with a title card telling us it’s been “formatted for time and content.” And yet, wasn’t this movie MADE for ABC Family? PLEASE TELL ME THEY DIDN’T ORIGINALLY MAKE THIS FOR WIDE RELEASE. No. They couldn’t possibly have done: for one thing, it’s full of actors who are in other ABC Family shows, so….right? Right.

Our protagonist is Jo Mitchell:

You know she’s cool because: she has a boy’s name; she helps her dad work on race cars; she changes schools all the time; she’s a self-proclaimed  “loner with a highly revolved defense mechanism”; and she….drives a red Vespa? That’s more “hipster” than “loner,” but whatever, honey. ANYWAY, she’s new in town and is attending the last high school she’ll ever go to before she goes to her “dream college,” Carnegie Mellon, which is name-dropped so many times in the next two hours that I think they were secretly a sponsor. Carnegie Mellon is a great school, but the more times you hear someone say those two words on ABC Family, the less they seem like actual words and more like just a made-up code phrase for something.

SIX-PACK ABS INSIDE!

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Fug the Fromage: Christmas Cupid

Dec 21, 2010 By Jessica AT 1:00 pm

Remember that time Jennifer Love Hewitt got a job Kind Touching people at a spa and then woke up several months later to find out that the crack-smoking party animals at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association decided to reward her with a freaking Golden Globe nomination? Do you think everyone who’s filmed a Lifetime or ABC Family movie over the last twelve weeks woke up the next morning with a renewed sense of vigor and optimism? Because if we’re giving awards for shitty made-for-TV movies now, I know some people who are OWED. Like Chad Michael “Squinty” Murray, so missed on OTH (by which I mean, not particularly missed at all, given that we just dealt with a stalker, a potential murder, an ACTUAL attempted murder, the second time in the series that a car has gone off a bridge and into a river and people have almost died, a head injury to an elementary school teacher, and Daphne Zuniga going to prison and loving it. Oh, also, they have a Mannequin Chad Michael Murray they trot out sometimes, so even if we did miss him, we have a back-up), and so remarkably squinty still, at least as seen on last weekend’s ABC Family Spectacular, The Christmas Cupid, also starring Christina Milian and Ashley Benson — last seen getting plowed over by a car on Pretty Little Liars. Did anyone Kind Touch anyone in this movie, you ask? No. But someone does choke to death on an olive and has to spend several days in limbo wearing sequined hot pants, which I would argue is almost worse.

So, Christina Milian is an Evil Junior Publicist:

We know she’s evil because she carries a big shiny purse, has a shiny car which she parks in the handicapped spot, wears big sunglasses and talks on her phone a lot, and — when her co-worker (whom she once dated) reminds her that Christmas is about The Birth of Our Lord — she’s, like, totally dismissive of Jesus.

Will He Smite Her?

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Fug The Fromage: The Client List

Aug 3, 2010 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

Regular readers of this blog know a lot about us — like how we used to watch Ghost Whisperer and giggle at how every other character would be in sweaters and overcoats, but Jennifer Love Hewitt was in strapless sundresses and eyelashes as long as the hour. And how we sympathized with her when the whole world told her she looked fat in a bikini and she was like, “You all are insane.” And then we thought she went a little nutso trying to make the hips she’d just defended disappear. And then: Jamie Kennedy. WTF. And finally, we found out she was executive-producing for herself a movie about a woman whom the recession drives to prostitution, via a job in a massage parlor that turns out to have Unexpected Kinky Results.

So of COURSE I was going to watch that. I mean, I am human. And I can’t NOT share the outcome with you, because we’ve walked much of this path together, and I feel that I need to lead you by the hand down this one so that we can recover from it together. I mean:
1) She actually says the phrase, “Hell’s bells,” and MEANS IT;
2) There is a Dashboard Angel of Judgment;
3) The last hour of the film features twelve scenes in which she is crying, many of which are back-to-back; and
4) The name of the spa that SHOCKINGLY turns out to be a den of ill-repute is:

By the way, see all those little notches on my orange DirecTV progress bar? Those are the bookmarks I made every time something happened that made me cringe. I gave up at the hour-and-a-half mark, as you can see, because I was too emotionally exhausted from all the button-pushing.
So, want to hear all about it? Join me after the jump, where the cheese is even more heinous than this one thing she wears in it once.

You Will Not Regret This Journey

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