Fug File: Look Into Pants

Grammys LETTER OF TRUTH: PART SUCK IT

Feb 3, 2010 By Jessica AT 9:00 am

HEY Y’ALL WHAT’S UP?

Sorry it took me so long to write to you about the GRAMMYS but I’ve been looking for my pants for like a week now and I never did find them so I’ve been walking around without them which I guess is okay now because there was this random girl at the show who looked like really really REALLY REALLY CRAZY and she definitely wasn’t wearing pants either, so now I don’t feel as embarrassed as I might have normally felt considering that I was in public wearing a dress made of fishnet and a leotard. SOME PEOPLE — Mom – seem to think I wore this outfit because I just wanted attention but you’d think she’d remember that whenever I want attention, I just take out a boa constrictor, or get married.

AND THEN when I was at the GRAMMYS people were all, OMG BRITNEY HAS BROWN HAIR AGAIN because I guess brown hair equals crazy for all y’all, but I don’t know why you’re all spazzing out because that other crazy girl with no pants was rolling around like COVERED IN FLOUR or soot or ashes or something and I think she did something to Elton John that’s not legal and everyone was all totally chill about THAT but I spend an afternoon with Miss Clairol and y’all FREAK OUT.

So, what I’m saying is: 1) I’m Britney Spears, b) I have no pants, !) it’s okay not to have any pants anymore which is good news because I lost mine 4) do cut-offs count? 5) there’s some crazy pantsless girl on the rampage all playing the piano dressed like an old timey aerobics instructor and all y’all seen to think that’s normal and f) brown hair is not bad.

I’m tired now.

BYE,

BRITNEY.

PS: I am not engaged to my manageragentboyfriend, but I COULD BE if you think that might be interesting. Just drop me a note at Cheeto_LovER_4EvA_1990@gmail.com.

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The Fug is Mine

Jan 27, 2010 By Jessica AT 2:05 pm

Dear Brandy,

I am glad you are back out and about — filming a reality show, OF COURSE — and I’d like to take this moment to thank you for that whole thing you did where you claimed you were secretly married to some dude and then we all found out that you actually WERE NOT married to him and therefore your secret divorce was just a regular old break up. Which means by your standards, I’ve been secretly divorced a whole bunch of times! This is awesome, because now I feel more like Elizabeth Taylor than I did yesterday. To repay this favor, a word of wisdom: those aren’t pants. You’re welcome!

Fug file: Look Into Pants,
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It’s Fug With Alexa Chung

Dec 1, 2009 By Heather AT 8:01 am

Taylor Momsen wore this to make an appearance on MTV’s It’s On With Alexa Chung.

[Photo: Splash News]

I’d wondered what, exactly, Alexa is informing me is on — her show, a jihad — but this photo does at least confirm that the titular “it” does not refer to pants.

Also posted in Accessories to the Crime , , ,
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2 Become Fug

Nov 5, 2009 By Heather AT 9:31 am

Dearest Mel B. You have serious problems here. How to put this…

How about if I borrow from one of your tender Spice Girls ballads:

Get a little bit clothed here, baby.
Put ‘em on, put ‘em on.
‘Cause tonight
Is the night
Your pants must get done.
You need some trou like you’ve never needed trou before (let ‘em make love to you, baby).
You’ve got a little shirt — now go back for more (don’t let it make fug to you, baby).
Setting your crotch free
Is no public way to be.

Fug file: Look Into Pants, , ,
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Fugly and FugJ

Oct 12, 2009 By Heather AT 12:05 pm

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

AJ MICHALKA:  Excuse me?

ALY MICHALKA: What, did you hear something?

AJ: I could’ve sworn I heard someone behind us laughing.

ALY: You probably did. I know I am laughing at you.

AJ: Wait, at ME?

ALY: Hello, honey, you’re wearing really tight pants and a shirt that hits your butt in the WEIRDEST place.

AJ:  HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR TIGHTS?

ALY: They’re not tights, honey, they’re pights. Half pants, half tights.

AJ: Did you just not bother to shave the backs of your legs today?

ALY: Don’t judge. It makes showering SO MUCH faster. I may not do it ever again. This is the new revolution, sweetie. Ride the wave.

AJ: It’s okay. I’ll let you surf it as far away from me as possible.

Also posted in Accessories to the Crime , , ,
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Jenny Fugphrey

Sep 30, 2009 By Heather AT 10:00 am

Look, I know the people on Gossip Girl are fake, but come on — would Rufus Humphrey really be okay with this?

[Photo: Splash News]

Assuming my eyes do not deceive me, that is Little J’s shirttail hanging out from her skirt. Which means she’s wearing bottoms that are not as long as her top. And I know Rufus is kind of caught up in his own drama, what with Lily being out of town and them having a secret love child together that they think is dead, and all the time he clearly has to spend nurturing his Man Bangs and writing ’90s-era rock songs about how gnarly it is when your stepdaughter drops out of college and turns into a tabloid-baiting — albeit also amusing — asswad. And I know he’s kind of into being to his kids what the principal who announces he’s your “princi-PAL” is to high-schoolers. But even amid all that, I’m pretty sure Rufus Humphrey would take one look at Little J trying to leave the house in this, or ANY of her terrible ensembles, and be like, “Jenny, your crotch is not an accessory. GO TO YOUR ROOM.” So could we get on that please, Gossip Girl? It’s not going to WORK, but he should at least TRY.

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