Often, my favorite red carpet photos are the ones where the subject is caught in transition.
This one says, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” I call it Pensive Starlet, Wearing Her Junk Drawer.
Let’s see if a sultry smile sells it:
Welcome to another future band name: Piper Perabo’s Deadly Shorts.
From the waist up, she’s Nellie Oleson; from waist to knee, she’s riding in the Tour de Pants, a grueling bike race in which athletes are asked to compete wearing the most awkward, ill-advised trousers imaginable. In the heat of summer it may take hours to peel those off, and once she does, well, may I present Ross from Friends and his pants paste as a cautionary tale. Advice: Just cut yourself out of them and call them disposable. You do not want Pants Paste to happen to you.
Back when she was wearing lips on her chest, I really thought Leona Lewis had the makings of a Fug Madness star — but she’s been pretty silent since then. Ergo, imagine my glee at seeing her perform in a giant fringed robe befitting the high priestess of a religion invented by Paris Hilton and Florence Welch.
To bastardize my own Twitter joke from the other day: NOOP, GOOP. NOOOOOOOP.
That. Is. Heinous. It’s a glorified satin dickey that looks like it was made partially out of ruffled tennis underpants. Is it even finished? Are those special deodorizing armpit valances, soon to be sold exclusively on GOOP for $295 each in scents like “Artisanal lavender” and “Organic Alpine Wind” and, for an extra Benjamin, limited-edition “Free-Range Galapagos Mango Sandwich”? I can’t.
Words I traditionally associate with Laura Linney: talented, lovely, classy, warm, OMGIGNOREYOURPHONETHATGUYWANTSTOSLEEPWITHYOU (just TRY not saying that, all in one piece, while watching Love, Actually).
Words I do not traditionally associate with Laura Linney: Yikes, oof, schoolmarm, NOOOOOO, pinafore, crazyshitasticalblouse, smock, shirtvomit. Thanks, Thursday, for giving me a new experience.