Fugger: Brangelina

Jolie-ly Jolied: Angelina Jolie


I am just so BORED.

It’s fine if you want to look like the hot new professor at Hogwarts if you ARE, in fact, the hot new professor at Hogwarts. But if you can’t turn Justin Bieber into a possum or make Kim Kardashian take a six-month nap or defeat ultimate evil or make a potion that gives bad sports commentators tongue warts, then RELAX WITH THE ROBES ALL THE TIME, PLEASE, ANGE. Not least because it might confuse the hell out of your kids, who probably can’t figure out why they have to do the dishes when you CLEARLY know how to make them wash themselves. Cheers in advance.

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Oscars Lea Michele-ly Played, Angelina Jolie


For what it’s worth, I think she looks great, but that will always be beside the point. This will never not be hilarious to me. It’s like Angelina shot herself up with vamp juice, and/or busted a hinge on her inner thigh. It just KEPT ON POPPING, like a frat boy’s collar.

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Fugs or Fabs: Angelina Jolie


Angie took a break from helping Brad Pitt through awards season — I’m sort of bummed he’s not going to win for Moneyball, as he was excellent in it; I’m afraid he’ll end up winning one later as an apology, for a role that wasn’t as good, the way the Oscars like to do it, and then someone MORE deserving of THAT one will get frozen out, and the vicious cycle will continue — to promote In The Land of Blood and Honey and some other random thingamy. Don’t you love how thorough I am? But seriously, the event rarely matters. It’s Angelina, and so it’s noteworthy, even if she’s all dressed up to go buy a tiramisu.

How'd she do?

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[Photo: Getty]

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SAG Awards Well Played, Brangelina


I decided last night that Intern Ross is the Eve Harrington of E!. He seems harmless, but he is coming for Giuliana, he’s bound and determined to take over her gig, and she knows it. I realized this with crystalline clarity on Sunday when they were interviewing Brad and Angelina  — separately — and Ross just basically ran with both interviews. Giuliana couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and when she did, the only think she did was ask them (surely pre-approved) questions from Twitter. And the whole time that Ross was gushing over Brad/Angelina, you could just read on G’s face how much she wanted to kill him for taking over her giant Brangelina interview. I’ve seen this movie, you guys, and we all know how it ends.

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Fug or Fab: Angelina Jolie


Look, we really need to work on Angelina’s feet now. She’s starting to break out of her billowy rut, but her shoes are duller than Ivanhoe. On the one hand, yes, it’s great that she’s not cutting off the circulation or wearing something that jacks her pinky toe so far off to the side that it’s practically a thumb.

But on the other, eight times out of ten they’re dowdy satin snoozefests — including at the Globes, when she otherwise rocked some serious, if slightly stiff, glamour. It deserved better than white satin hooves, and this is being similarly robbed of its full potential. How is it possible that Angelina Jolie almost always seems to dress without joy? Has she SEEN herself? If I were in that body, I would bring more heat than a SWAT team.

All that said, I do appreciate that this is interesting, and in fact I don’t hate it. Although I can’t figure out the back:

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Golden Globes Battle of the Red Flap: Angelina vs Natalie


It figures that the one time Angelina switches it up and goes full Movie Star I Could Kill You With A Bat Of My Eyelashes glam on us, someone else shows up with a similar bodice motif. The dresses themselves aren’t a match, but still, if I were Natalie Portman I would watch my back in case a cane gets thrust at it. How handy that Angie’s plus-one gets to carry a weapon.

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