As I said on Twitter, I love CZJ always.
As I said on Twitter, I love CZJ always.
For a moment I didn’t reognize this lady.
Is that crazy of me? Because now, I’m like, “Oh, right, of course, it’s Catherine Zeta-Jones,” but it took me far longer than it should considering that looking at photos of people like her is basically my job. I don’t even know who I thought it was — part of it is that I forgot CZJ was even in Rock of Ages, so I had to solve that riddle as well, and between this and all the episodes of Countdown I am YouTubeing so I can play along, I just don’t have TIME for any more PUZZLES, people.
But, the clothes: Am I wrong to wish she and Julianne Hough (which, whoops, you’ll see in a bit) had switched outfits? That neon yellow would look astonishing on her, I suspect, but mostly I just want to cut this refried figure-skating outfit off of her before she breaks a leg attempting a heavily coerced triple axle. Plus, if you put it on Hough, somebody might look at her and decide it’s time for an Ice Castles remake starring her and, say, Keegan Allen from Pretty Little Liars (he’s got an apt Young Robby Benson thing going, kind of, right?), and I think the world would benefit heavily from THAT. We need more figure-skating movies. The last one we had was Ice Princess, and although I support the idea of making girls believe math is cool, we can’t let the genre rest on a film in which Michelle Trachtenberg implied it’s a carnival trick that you can master if you just go to physics class and buy a good calculator.
Did anyone not tear up a little when Michael Douglas and CZJ swept onto the red carpet together?
Tears over him, because he’s reportedly beaten his throat cancer — tears I also shed, I might add, when everyone gave him a standing ovation as he walked out on stage, to which he humbly replied something akin to, “There has to be an easier way to get a standing ovation” — and tears over her, because well, it would be pretty bad-ass to be her. Look at her owning that thing. It’s massive. It’s mossy. It’s textured. It’s drapey. And it’s kind of fan-freaking-tastic on her. She knows it, too. Her face says, “Yes, that’s right. My husband beat cancer, and I beat all these other bitches in green, and you will be looking at me EVERY SINGLE TIME you catch sight of even a tiny strip of this dress on the screen. And you will LIKE IT, because I am Catherine Zeta-Jones, and I am still the reigning Most Pregnant Woman Ever To Haul Ass Up Onto An Awards Stage And Carry Off A Trophy, and admit it, you thought I was going to go into labor right then and there and have Jack Nicholson cut the cord. But I didn’t, because I am SO FABULOUS that my cervix actually obeys my orders.”
In other words, I really like that dress.
Remember about seven years ago, when there was this whole rumor that Catherine Zeta Jones was lying about her age, and not just by a wee bit? By, like, a LOT?
[Photos: Splash News]
Someone needs to remind her that she’s STILL supposed to be lying. And that the lie is supposed to be that she’s considerably YOUNGER than her actual age, not MUCH OLDER. I get that, as we age, we get more easily confused, but that is why we have people on staff to remind us of this things. Consider me a very far-flung and unpaid member of your help, CZJ and know that I am cutting up your Chico’s card only out of love.
Honestly, seeing this picture of Catherine Zeta Jones makes me think just one thing:
[Photo by Splash]
I can not WAIT to see the crazy old lady she’s going to be. Because you KNOW that look is going to be epic.
Ooh. This one is depressing me:
[Photo: Splash News]
Catherine Zeta Jones, I love you. Why haven’t you been in a decent movie in like five years? I know you’re living in Bermuda — presumably wearing a lot of Bermuda shorts — and brushing your hair, or whatever, but come on: can’t you call up Intern George and ask him if he’s got a role for you in something or other? I can not have my most recent memory of you be this. You’re wearing Liberace’s pillow case.