It’s always tough to fug people’s winter wear, because when it’s freezing outside and there’s just been a snowpocalypse, I am of the mind that one should put on whatever one needs in order to live.
Fugger: Gwen Stefani
I know that whatever a woman wears to take her kids on a hike is her own private business, generally speaking. But… you guys, I just had to make sure I am not hallucinating these pants.
You’re seeing tie-dyed harem leggings too, right? Are those even actually TECHNICALLY harem pants? What is the term for pants that are tight on the legs but have enough room in the crotch to hide Gwen’s other child? Why do we live in a world where such a noun is necessary? Crotch-slings? Knee bags? Pantaballoons?
Also: Whenever I see anyone in pantaballoons like these, I wonder how they do not drive themselves insane wearing them. They’re built to replicate the feeling of having your pants fall off as you’re walking. Incidentally, I saw that happen to a guy on Ventura Blvd. He was strolling along with low-rider pants, and with each step they sank lower and lower until they finally fell off his ass and started flopping toward his knees, exposing his boxers. He kept right on going as if nothing had happened. Maybe HE’S the guy who pioneered pantaballoons.
Okay. I want to be clear. I don’t DISLIKE this cover. For one thing, I love that they put “The Red Lipstick That Anyone Can Wear” right next to Gwen’s head, because…well, you know how she loves her red lipstick. That seems smart. And to be honest with you, this issue of Elle actually has a lot of articles, it seems, that I legitimately want to read and not just because they sound hilariously inept or out of touch. I DO want to make my long hair shine, okay? Is that so wrong? Also: I am relieved that shopping is back. And the line, “SHOPPING’S BACK!” reminds me fondly of my favorite billboard. See, here in Los Angeles, near Fairfax, about five years ago, there was the best billboard ever. All it said was, in sweeping letters, “SYPHILIS IS BACK!” Like it was a hit musical. I giggled every time I saw it. Not because syphilis is funny. Because I am immature. BUT ANYWAY. My issue with this cover is simply that I can not figure out what Gwen is wearing. The top seems….attached to the bottom. But it must just be tucked in, or (horrors) a bodysuit, right? And then….there are pants? And a little…apron-y thing attached to them? Or….is that? I’m….just trying to puzzle that out. It looks like a very chic handwarmer of the sort used by quarterbacks playing in frigid climates and honestly, if anyone were to adopt that as a fashion statement, it MIGHT be Gwen Stefani. But I can’t imagine that’s what I’m actually….looking at? Is it….? It’s….? Are….? Maybe….? I am perplexed.
What’s going on with the not-quite-skirts, y’all? First Marion Cotillard, then Madonna, and now Gwen Stefani:
Seriously, it’s like she stole the thatched roof off someone’s tiki hut, dyed it black, and hit up a funeral luau. Has she traded in Harajuku for Hawaii? I’d just appreciate a little warning so I can prepare myself mentally, in the event that she shows up on American Idol in a grass skirt and a coconut bra while a posse of 14 women in leis carry in a pig on a spit.
So, you all know my stance on the formal shorts issue, of course. And I’m pretty sure that if Km Stewart or someone showed up at the Ivy or whatever wearing this, I would snit, “Nice try, Kim Stewart, but you are NO Gwen Stefani,” and then I would flounce off the interwebs and off to my room. On the other hand, Gwen Stefani IS Gwen Stefani, and, ergo, I feel like she’s kind of working what appears to possibly be formal dolphin running shorts and shortie boots: