“HOLA LOVERS. So, the other day, I said to my man-boy, ‘You know what I want to be on? Good Housekeeping.’ Because there is nobody who is better at house keeping than yo. Miran, lovers, I am EXCELENTE at keeping a house. Why would you NOT keep it? Why would you SELL it when you could just go there sometime when you’re sick of one of your OTHER houses? I am the master, lovers! So I called the Good Housekeeping and they said, ‘HAHAHAHAHAAHAH,’ which I think was so sweet, lovers — they were so happy they were giggling!! — and then they said, ‘Yes, it will be great, sooooooooo America,’ but because they were SO SO MUY happy, they wrote it down wrong and OOPS, I am only on the cover for South Africa. But I don’t remember posing for this. Is that even my body? It might just be my head that they put on top of a First Prize ribbon for some local fair. Shhh, do not tell, but I am not okay with that, lovers. Jennifer Lopez Etc. does not have to ADVERTISE that she is first prize and she does not PRETEND THINGS (unless I have to pretend something, like how I pretended I liked this cover, in which case, I do it so well that you cannot tell because I AM A PROFESSIONAL). In fact, lovers, this revista is so strange. I do not WANT easy home makeovers — I want expensive ones, because if it does not cost six figures then it is not worth doing, si? And you cannot upcycle furniture. I tried to put Marc’s Wednesday coffin in the upcycling bin one time and they would not take it because they said it was too covered in strange stains. And I do not want to buy clothes for winter. What, is South Africa in some upside-down place where summer is winter? HAHAHA! It’s loco, lovers. Do not buy my magazine… more than once. Besos!”
Fugger: Jennifer Lopez
Fug the Show: American Idol FINALE! FINALMENTE!
15 photos in gallery“HOLA LOVERS. I told you. I told you I would wear something shocking and fabuloso, just in case this is my last Lopez Idol and they have to change the name of this to Blige Idol or Gwen Idol or Tom Hanks’s Wife Idol or whatever. (Psst: Do not tell but I will stay if they pay me as much as Britney is getting from Simon Cowell, and also if they build me a bonita glittery disease bubble.) I call this outfit Joan of Arcercise, because on my show here, I am the beautiful young warrior who fights Evil(smith) and looks good in pants and probably also has God’s iPhone number. What, lovers? I need it. He got me out of a jam a few times, like when Marc tried to make my spleen INTO jam. You don’t want to know. Or at least not until I write a book you can buy, lovers.”
Fug file: Fug The Show, Photos, American Idol, Jennifer Lopez
Fug the Show: American Idol, Three to Two
8 photos in gallery“Hola, lovers. Shh. Can you hear it? That is the sound of FREEDOM and it is SO CLOSE, lovers, I can taste it, and it has the flavor of Vitamin C. What, you think I am not going to load up after six months sitting next to Aeroshrivel? HAHHAHAHA you are so cute, lovers.”
Fug file: Fug The Show, Photos, American Idol, Jennifer Lopez
Fug the Show: American Idol
12 photos in gallery“Hola, loverrrrrs. Every week, people beg for your amor by singing. But I do not beg, lovers. I just show you, and you love because you have no choice. Although now that Beyuckce is your nice-looking person of the month or whatever, tengo que remind you that you love me best. And so I sing. Remember my last single? The one about being on the floor? This is totally different, lovers. Because that one was about floors. This one is about being naked with my enormous man-boy ANYWHERE I WANT. It is called Sexy Time Fun Bag. I think? Or maybe it’s called something about dancing. No es importante. Just buy it. Besos!”
Fug file: Fug The Show, Photos, American Idol, Jennifer Lopez
Fug.Lo
“HOLA LOVERS.
“You know who I am tired of? THE QUEEN. She prances around so smug, ‘Oh, look at me, I have been sitting on this throne thing for a hundred years,’ and, ‘Lookit, we have CARRIAGES and BOATS,’ and, ‘Check out all my GUARDS with their FURRY HAT THINGS,’ blah blah blah> Well I TOO have a furry hat thing. And I TOO have a throne, except it is made of PEOPLE. And I have boats and I do not have a carriage right now lovers but I have had three MARRIAGES and that is pretty much the same — you just get dragged around from point A to point B and you can’t get off until you scream or it just stops. SO. I’m coming for you, Mrs. Queen. You think you have the Olympics? Well I HAVE AN OPENING CEREMONY TOO:
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