“Hola lovers!!!!”
“Today is 06/10/11!! Do you know what that means, in numberolosophy? It means I am NOT SITTING NEXT TO HAIROSMITH. Whee! My top represents the prison of my very very wealthy Whatever Idol contract, and my skirt represents la libertad! And my legs represent all the money I am getting paid to sell razors! And my shoes represent how I spend that money!
“But lovers, do you know what 6/10/11 really means? The computer tells me it means that people who are born today will make it a pleasure to interact with them. And because every new outfit I wear is like I was BORN TODAY just to wear it, that means I am a pleasure to talk to! Do you want to talk to me? Sit down, lovers. Sientanse and tell me all of your secrets. Do you secretly love me? Do you secretly want to know what it is like to open a vein into some homemade salad dressing because it is the only way to get your husband to eat vegetables? Do you secretly want to talk more about me? I understand, lovers. Let me tell you a little story, eh? Si. Once upon a time, there was a napkin.
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@VladaGelman How is Top of the Rock? - J
Fug the Floor
“Hola loverdudes!”
“What is up coolios? Lovers, has your vacrotcha ever said, ‘Ay, Jennifer, if you put me in a prison of pantalones one more time I will stage a jail break with three burly hombres and a grapefruit spoon’? Of course it has! Well I have the answer: tall boots and long jacket that match. The less of your thigh you expose, the less you have to tattoo to make it look like your boots are ACTUALLY pants! Although, lovers, I cannot tattoo pants onto my legs. I need to save the space. See, lovers, Jason Whoozit on the Dallas Hatefaces (shhh, I was rooting for them, but my Marc is a Miami fan so I have to PRETEND, hehehehehehehe) got the basketball championship statue thingy tattooed on his arm at the beginning of the season! And then last night he won it! So, lovers, it will be this way: I put the Oscar on my back. I put the Emmy on my belly. I put the Golden Globe on both my golden globes, hahahahaha. Maybe I put the Tony on my thigh. And then a People’s Choice Award on one foot, and ooooh, lovers, a Teen Choice Award on the other one! A Spike TV Whatsit Thing can go on my left armpit and I will put the Stanley Cup on my bicep! And the Most Valuable Slayer from the United League of Vampire Vanquishers Who Also Have Owned Restaurants will go on my butt, so Marc can kiss it! Whee! And then this time next year I will be the winner of EVERYTHING! Except the Nobel Prizes, but lovers, that ceremony is not televised so what is the point? Some other sad Affsack that nobody wants to look at can try for that one. Hahaha. Now, excuse me, lovers, I must go. My ankle itches and it takes three men forty-five minutes to take off my zapatolones. Album! Buy my kisses! Todo mi amor, J.”
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