Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Oscar Post-Party Lopez: Jennifer Lopez

Feb 28, 2012 By Heather AT 6:00 am

“HOLA EX-LOVER:

“Dear Marc. In the immortal –PUN INTENDED — words of that lady who sings this, “My bloodshake brought all your teeth to the block. And they were like, ‘It’s better than yours.” But you leeched me, and I had to charge.’ And now that you have been sent the bill, EX-LOVER, I hope you see this photo and go into withdrawal and quiver and shake like a human blender trying to make a Barbie smoothie.

 

 

“So adios, EX-LOVER. Look at my many blood-colored panels on this dress and dream of my neck syrup and then CRY. I would say SUCK ON IT, but YOU CAN’T ANYMORE. LOPEZ WINS AGAIN. Besos! Watch my show! It’s ALSO better than yours.”

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Oscar Fug or Fab Carpet: J.Lo and Cammy D

Feb 27, 2012 By Heather AT 12:00 pm
J.Lo and Cameron Diaz
Cameron DiazJennifer LopezJ.Lo and Cameron DiazJ.Lo and Cameron Diaz
5 photos in gallery

J: HOLA LOVER.

C: HOLA LOVER.

J: Nice try, SO CUTE, GRACIAS FOR COMING, but you wouldn’t know how to HOLA LOVER if it hit you on la cabeza with a surfboard. Do not even attempt it, James Cameron.

C: No, no, I’m Cameron Diaz, not James Cameron.

J: I care about that as much as you cared about your makeup. HAHAHA. I GOT YOU, CANDACE CAMERON. Don’t mess with my block.

C: You’re a nutjob.

J: Lopez for president! Viva 2013!

C: There isn’t an election in 2013.

J: YOU SAY THAT NOW, CAM NEWTON.

C: I… never mind.

How did J.Lo do?

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And Cameron?

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[Photos: Getty]

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Fug the Show: American Idol, Hollywood Week Shenanigans

Feb 22, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
Los Tres Amigos, minus two amigos, maybe plus one again
Mas yo!Girl I SavedGirl I Saved Moments Before I Saved HerYo and two other people
17 photos in gallery

“HOLA LOVERS. This telenovela about me just got so muy interesante! Before there was dumb singing, and clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right! Now there is collapsing and sweating and vomiting, and clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right! My part is Angel of Life. No, es verdad, I save a girl’s life just by standing next to her.  I would not lie to you about my powers, lovers. Lying is for vampires and Assflecks. Lopez is for TRUTH.”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, auditions 6 and 7

Feb 7, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
Yo!
HOLA ABUELAListen to meDRAMA!Better AND WORSE
14 photos in gallery

“HOLA, lovers. Remember me? The beautiful one who rocked your world last year with whatever that song was about being on the floor? What was that called… Ay,I have no memory! YOU try sitting next to Mold Spice every day. You too will smell your way to tonto town! Anyway, amigos, apparently now EVERYONE has a new song out, ahem, MADONNA, and now EVERYONE thinks we want to look at them singing it, ahem, MADONNA. The jealousy would make me muy alegre if it was not distracting people from my shorts. So RUDE.”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, Auditions 4 and 5

Jan 31, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
HOLA ASPEN
HOLA AGAINHmmThreatsAhhh
8 photos in gallery

“HOLA, LOVERS! Let me tell you a tiny secret, amores: This job is BORING. I do not want to hear eighty five eleventy thousand people sounding like Toni Braxton in a mousetrap! This is why I try to bring the fabulous, lovers. Because I want to scare them. I want to scare them into going home and letting me live mi vida without one more person saying, ‘Ay, Jennifer, you are my inspiration, you are why I am so excelente,’ and then making a Kelly Clarkson song sound like Ben Whatballs eating pancakes. I would rather drink a Dirty MarTylerHAHAHAHHAHA I kid you, lovers. I am so funny. Can I be the Most Beautiful and Hilaaaarious Woman this year?”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, auditions 1, 2, and 3

Jan 24, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
GUESS WHO???
EL COCHEEEEEEEEEEKMAS COCHE!RANDY NO
17 photos in gallery

“HOLA LOVERS! I am BACK! Strap in for five months of brave, beautiful yo as I bravely, beautifully find somebody who will be very famous for about thirty seconds, but make ME very famous for a long time because of how nice and loving I am to people who are not as beautiful as yo! America needs a hero, lovers. America needs ME.”

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