“Hola, lovers. You may have heard that America made me angry this week, but pull up a block and listen to my truth: America is fabulosa, and I am not angry. Because when America voted off our favorite little lady pet, I got to make it about YO, and THAT is the most importante of all.”
Fugger: Jennifer Lopez
“HOLA LOVERS. I have a treat today. It is a piece of sugar-coated sex called MY NEW VIDEO. And it stars a piece of sugar-coated sex called MY NEW BOYFRIEND. Ay, okay, he is not totally nuevo, but, you know, he is a fresh teeny baby compared to Marc, who is eleventy thousand years dead.”
“HOLA LOVERS. Time for your Vitamin J shot. You take it in your HEART.”
“HOLA LOVERS. Por favor, notice who I cling to like a raft on the Clean Sea, and who has to keep a respectable legal distance from yo when he walks out from backstage, ahem, Aerosmell. It is no accident. I think it oozes.”
“HOLA OSCAR. Let’s see you ignore me when my new commercial is directed by Darren Aronofsthingy who did that American Pi, and some movie about sad birds! If he could get Flatalie Portman an award, then WHAT CAN HE DO FOR ME?!?!”
“Dear Marc. In the immortal –PUN INTENDED — words of that lady who sings this, “My bloodshake brought all your teeth to the block. And they were like, ‘It’s better than yours.” But you leeched me, and I had to charge.’ And now that you have been sent the bill, EX-LOVER, I hope you see this photo and go into withdrawal and quiver and shake like a human blender trying to make a Barbie smoothie.
“So adios, EX-LOVER. Look at my many blood-colored panels on this dress and dream of my neck syrup and then CRY. I would say SUCK ON IT, but YOU CAN’T ANYMORE. LOPEZ WINS AGAIN. Besos! Watch my show! It’s ALSO better than yours.”