Hot Right Now...

Fugger: Jennifer Love Hewitt

The Fug Fuggerer

Jan 25, 2008 By Heather AT 9:04 am

Friday is FINALLY here. We are thrilled; it’s been a long week for us – we’re currently traveling for work and blogging by candlelight in the wee hours, so thanks for putting up with our often hugely slap-happy ramblings, which for us feel scrawled on the back of our hands with a sinister blood quill a la Dolores Umbridge’s torture method in the fifth Harry Potter book. Anyway, the net effect is that, in addition to getting behind on other things — like sleeping, and eating vegetables — I am lagging on a post I’d been meaning to do all week about Ghost Whisperer.

I know, you guys are probably sort of sick of hearing us yap about cheesy television shows you likely ignore but we love for inexplicable — well, totally explicable, but maybe only to us — reasons. But hear me out: I was way behind on my episodes, so I didn’t realize that back in November, their rogue costumer struck again.

[Photo: My TV set and a digital camera]

Ahoy, Jay Mohr! First of all, what are you even doing on Ghost Whisperer? Don’t you usually play a fast-talking jackhole, as opposed to the fast-talking family-friendly academic you’re playing here? Granted, your snarky comments are becoming the show’s only bright spot, but it’s still really jarring to see you doing gentle weekend television and spewing stuff about the occult and the spirit world and Chinese takeaway instead of cussing out some poor schmoe. Second, please do tell us how you managed to avert your eyes from Jennifer Love Hewitt’s insane shirt. It looks like her elbows are wearing a wedding dress. They are the brides of Fuggenstein. And third, are Jennifer Love Hewitt’s arms actually that freakishly short, or is it just an optical illusion? It reminds me of the Seinfeld Puffy Shirt. If she’s going on the Today show tomorrow to hawk it for charity, I will feel bad. But not as bad as if I’d been forced to wear it. I’m beginning to understand why actresses become divas — it’s to stop stuff like this from happening to them at the hands of other people who don’t understand how long a human’s arms are supposed to look.

However, this was not the most grievous offense of Rogue Costumer. That was merely the icing on this chewy, billowy, trouser cake. With apologies for the quality of the photos, behold:

Mostly Well Played, J.Lo.Hew

Jan 10, 2008 By Heather AT 10:50 am

Katherine Heigl’s recent spate of interviews and the wretchedly unfunny previews for 27 Dresses have me a) concerned she might be a bit of a pill in real life, b) totally sick of her, and c) in disbelief that this movie appears to think that simply dyeing her hair faintly brown will help us believe Katherine Heigl is suddenly sort of frumpy and dowdy and weak-willed. Great message there, people.

In fact, I wish Jennifer Love Hewitt would go BACK to being a darker brunette because it makes her look more striking. Check it out:

This is just an achingly pretty dress, which paired with the shoes gives Jennifer a really lovely old-movie glamour. Even Cardbord Heigl seems to be eyeing her, all, “I can’t believe you look better than I do. SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN, ho. Trust.”

As a fair-skinned lass, I know it’s tough to wear that pale pinky color
without it washing you out (and as a side note, I accidentally pasted that sentence into Google and it came up with a line from what’s trying to be the world’s longest poem that read, “It would help if the firefighter inside you lit a fire,” which… I don’t think THAT’S necessarily the solution here; for one thing, it would char the heck out of her womb). Jennifer mostly succeeds, and I think the “mostly” comes from the fact that it’s her hair — with an assist from her makeup — washing her out and not the dress. If she went back to that awesome, shiny darker brown hair, and possibly rediscovered bangs, she could probably get away with the minimalist makeup and the light hue of the dress, because the dark cherry on top would elevate it all.

Also, Dark-Haired-Hewitt is from the glory days of the Ghost Whisperer — YES, the show has some, thank you very much — when her coifs and fake eyelashes and old-school nighties and bedjackets were HUUUGE. So maybe I’m just being nostalgic. Still, that doesn’t detract from how fantastic that dress is on her. She’s someone who’s struggled, I think, to find the right cuts of clothes to accentuate her natural assets (I am not at all sure the Ghost Whisperer costumer is putting this kind of effort into it). This one is perfect: She’s all woman, brimming with curves that demand to be celebrated. Which I am sure her fiance will gleefully take care of later.

The Ghost Fuggerer

Dec 3, 2007 By Heather AT 11:05 am

Apparently, Jennifer Love Hewitt made a statement recently on her personal blog in response to photos of her in Hawaii in a bikini — in which she looked lovely and curvy and healthy and as if she actually enjoys her life, as opposed to analyzing the carb content on every plate of food that passes her way and obsessing over her hips. It takes a lot of guts to enjoy your beach vacation when you’re a celebrity who knows she’s going to get photographed but doesn’t have Cameron Diaz’s tall tree of a body, which is what most people seem to expect. And so it came to pass that J.Lo.Hew responded to criticism of the photos with a note about how, in fact, her body is totally healthy. And it made me love her even more than I did when she premiered on Ghost Whisperer with the bangs and the giant hair and the eyelashes, and all those nighties and bed jackets (speaking of which, J, we miss those — can you consider going back to the hair, at least?).

Anyway, so that, plus the news that she got engaged to cute, cute Liebgott from Band of Brothers, has us all aglow with warm feelings for Ms. Lo.Hew. Feelings which only intensified when we saw the recent paparazzi photos of their “romantic walk on the beach.” Which is not to say that it couldn’t have been romantic, but rather that I seriously wonder whether it was spontaneous.

[Photos: Splash News]

I mean… that is a RANDOM PARROT on her shoulder. Is there really such a thing as a random parrot in this world? Where did this parrot come from, and why is it perched on her while she walks meaningfully along the shoreline wrapped in an old bedsheet? Did Ross coordinate his shirt on purpose? And how did the paps know they’d be there? It all sort of smacks of, “See? THIS is how we wanted to be photographed after our big Love Announcement, not frolicking around Hawaii half-naked.” Which I sort of understand — everyone secretly wants one of those hilarious pictures that people in soap operas happen to have on their desks/mantels/computers, where it’s an unguarded, loving moment that is supposed to look candid but fails because no one in real life ACTUALLY manages to get such a perfect close-range photo of themselves laughing gorgeously into each others’ smiling eyes under flattering lighting.

But this is not that photo. This one sort of seems to say, “God, I hope Us Weekly is watching. Should I close my eyes and rest my head lovingly on his shoulder? Yes. But I can’t walk very far that way so they’d better get the shot fast, and God, I hope Ross doesn’t do that brow-furrow thing while I’m looking so peaceful because it will kind of ruin the moment if he looks like he just smelled a dead seagull.” Or, “Okay, I thought a bird on my shoulder would be very Sleeping Beauty In The Forest With Nature, but it’s impossible to keep a straight face with this f’ing parrot’s nails digging into my shoulder while it caws the words ‘Sister Act 2! Sister Act 2!’ into my ear, so at what point does the damn bird wrangler peel this thing off me?!?”

None of which diminishes my affection for Lady Lo.Hew. Instead, it cracks me up. I just wish she’d worn something other than what Melinda Gordon would’ve put on to run to the market, and then the antiques store, and then the family of the little boy she’s trying to cross over, and then the hospital, and then the school, and then the underground tunnels, and then home for dinner, and then back to the family — all while everyone else is wearing a heavy winter coat.

Fug Whisperer

May 15, 2007 By Jessica AT 9:27 am

Regular readers know that I have many, many secret shames, but one of the least secret and MOST shameful is that I regularly watch The Ghost Whisperer. I can hear you laughing, but I promise you there is nothing more soothing on an early Sunday evening than a TiVoed episode of Jennifer Love Hewitt bouncing around sending people into the light, and a glass of wine. The show is formulaic, but actually kind of addictive: J Lo Hew is refreshingly non-scrawny and her boobs and her hair and her fake eyelashes and her endless supply of fantastic nightgowns are seriously entertaining. Plus, the dude who plays her husband is super hot. Anyway, it’s definitely not operating at levels of Heroes-like watchability, but it’s worth it for J. Lo Hew’s outfits alone, because they are INSANE. She has worn nightgowns as dresses, giant peplums on tiny coats, and vintage ball gown after vintage ball gown (during the day, of course, like, while at the grocery store). This past week was the show’s season finale, and we were treated to some truly awesome (in all senses of the word) costumes. For example, this seems fine, right?

Kind of boobtacular, and a whole lot like a nightgown and not really something I would wear to a meeting with Julian Sands about Mysterious, Possibly Psychic Child Survivors of Terrible Disasters (that’s the back of Julian’s head there, and, yes, he needs a new agent. Julian, yours was the first manjunk I ever saw on the big screen, in A Room With a View, and a classier and more romantic introduction to cinematic male anatomy probably does not exist. I loved you deeply, and still have pretty much that entire movie memorized. What are you doing on CBS Friday nights? I guess I should be glad you’re just a troubled (para?)psychologist here, and not an evil lunatic like you were on 24).

But then she stands up:

Erm, sorry about the quality of that picture. My kitchen window is not actually part of her outfit. ALTHOUGH SHE’D HAVE ROOM FOR IT UNDER THAT SKIRT. Also, why does Julian have so many clocks?

Anyway, just when you’re thinking that this Ghost Whisperer will be the most sartorially heinous of all Ghost Whisperers, this happens:

Oh my god, she’s so cute! Like That Girl, if Marlo Thomas could talk to the dead! At last, the Wardrobe Bitches have forgiven her for that time she played Audrey Hepburn and put her in something that works on her curvaceous bod. NOW I can concentrate on the show: are they going to kill off Jim, J Lo Hew’s dreamy and constantly supportive husband, whose scenes are all conveniently set just post-shower, while he is wet and shirtless? Please God, no!

But then something worse than the death of the man-candy occurs. And I have placed it after the jump, so as to spare your delicate retinas.

Oscar During-Party Fug Carpet: Well Played, J.Lo.Hew

Feb 28, 2007 By Heather AT 11:37 am

Apparently, in Hollywood, there’s a party for people who didn’t get invited to the Academy Awards, and they get all dolled up in their finery and congregate to watch the telecast together. It’s like the Red Carpet, Jr. Which is both sweet and maybe a little sad, like it’s the overflow audience for a talk show that just missed the cut, except with better clothes. Still, these parties probably had a killer open bar, and who are we to imply that anyone should refuse it?

Certainly not when they look as divine as Jennifer Love Hewitt did.

This is a woman who’s historically had a lot of trouble dressing the boobs and the hips without making herself look ten pounds heavier than she is. So we’re thrilled to see how this dress skims her in all the right ways, putting a little cleavage — okay, a lot of cleavage — on display and giving herself graceful, clean lines everywhere else. She’s even got a soft, romantic updo and her bangs are out of her face, an elegant change from the everyday for her.

Whatever Ross McCall is doing for her, he obviously does well, and so we hope he keeps doing it. Maybe he’s The Fug Whisperer — he sees her fug when she can’t, and he helps it cross over into the light so that it leaves her alone and she can get on with her life without worrying that a possessed peasant top is going to throw itself at her and bind her to it for an entire afternoon.

Whatever it is, well played, both of you. Just don’t go any further with the Mystic Tan.

Golden Globes Red Carpet Fug: Well Played, Lots Of People

Jan 18, 2007 By Heather AT 12:07 pm

As many nits as there were to pick at the Golden Globes, there were a lot of people who looked glorious. And in the spirit of karma, I’ve decided to spotlight a few of them. Although it might just be the soothing back rub Intern George just gave me; he does put a girl in a good mood.

Let’s start with Sara Ramirez from Grey’s Anatomy.

In addition to being a Tony-winning performer who held her own in that original star-studded Spamalot cast (check out “The Song That Goes Like This”; it’s funny, and she’s got a great voice), she is also, in my opinion, really wonderful and tough and funny on Grey’s. And here, she looks like an old-time movie star, utterly glamorous in ruby-red with a sweetly feminine coif. (See, Cameron Diaz? It’s possible to wear red lipstick and not look like a five-year old smeared it on for you.)

It’s also refreshing to see her working a real woman’s body. Forgive me if this is a pale retread of Jessica’s America Ferrera entry of yesterday, which was brilliant, but the point bears repeating: Remember on Ally McBeal, when all the actresses skinnied up because they had to go to work every day with Calista Flockhart and it made them insecure? Well, the Grey’s set has so far avoided such catastrophes, with Chandra Wilson and Ramirez (and to a degree Kate Walsh and Katherine Heigl) balancing out the very tiny Sandra Oh and Ellen Pompeo. I dearly hope none of them start emaciating themselves in a McBeal vein; in an interview, Ramirez once admitted that it was hard for her to watch the show in the early days because she felt she looked hulking, and that the underwear-dancing scene was a challenge to shoot for that reason — and so she hired a trainer and has felt better about herself. And that’s great and all, as long as it’s for her health and not because she thinks it’s required of her by the viewers or anyone else. Because Ramirez has been smoking hot from day one on that show, and she doesn’t need to change a thing.

Another stunner who got almost no attention on any of the red carpet shows: Edie Falco.