Fugger: Jessica Biel

7th Fugden

Feb 12, 2009 By Jessica AT 10:40 am

I know this happened over the weekend, but I just dug it out from underneath the giant pile of stuff from the Grammys and the BAFTAs and Sarah Jessica Parker’s starring role in Camel Toe Run. And I screeched in horror yet anew:

On one hand: enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that’s as near as you’re going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep’s house next time you’re in the neighborhood.

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Name Twin. That was unkind. I just could not resist. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m right. But look at Hilary Swank: when she was best known for being the Girl Karate Kid and making out with Steve Sanders, we never thought she would end up having two Academy Awards. And I have been wrong before. So….good luck with that, is what I’m saying. Because unless JT ends up writing some mangy tune for some animated — I’ll stop now. I’m sorry. Really. Forgive.

In fact, I feel so guilty about making all these jokes about your skills that I won’t even mention that you’re wearing a sofa. Are we square now? You’re the best.

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Fugth Heaven

Nov 24, 2008 By Heather AT 10:05 am

I wish I could’ve seen where this dress might have ended up had the designer gone with just one of these two fabrics, instead of both together:

As it is, in an attempt to be Very Interesting, the design choice instead leaves us with a garment that appears to be alerting us to Jessica’s right boob — as if we might not have known she had one, for instance, or as if need to keep an eye on it because it’s up to no good, or is about to attempt something shocking like pulling a rabbit out of itself. For one thing, I like to think that I wouldn’t need the aid of her clothing to notice a bunny coming out of there, and for another, just think of the resentment this preferential treatment could cause between it and her left breast. Life is hard enough without your boobs being in a blood feud.

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7th Fugven

Oct 29, 2008 By Jessica AT 10:21 am

Ah, this takes me back:

Fondly do I recall those halcyon days when I longed for nothing more than a Gunne Sax dress to wear to my 6th grade dance! The dropped-waist! The puffy sleeves! The prim, unflattering length! What joy! What bliss! What…terribly misguided times.
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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

Oct 27, 2008 By Jessica AT 11:53 am

When I first saw this pic, my reaction was, “OH! Huh.”

Like, I expected it to be either way worse OR way better than it actually is. Sure, her pants aren’t properly hemmed, but it’s more that this seems like it aimed for Avant Garde but instead accidentally made a pit stop at Sort of Weirdly Boring. Actually, I was thinking about this the other day, and I may have actually mentioned it here before, but: I feel like Jessica Biel has gotten wildly dull since she started dating JT. Not that she was like a fascinating creature before, but at least she seemed like a really nice, normal, super hot girl. And now she just seems BLAND. Is it possible that Timberlake is some kind of Man-Succubus, wicking the Interesting from the women he dates, in order to keep himself charismatic and relevant? But! Cameron Diaz didn’t turn boring when they were dating (that I remember). Maybe she got a little weirdly rage-y, all beating up the paparazzi and whatnot, which did seem sort of out of character. And she did turn wildly hot once they broke up, but I always attributed that to Revenge Hotness Syndrome (you know, where you have a really bad break-up and you take all the residual emotion to the gym, with the result that you both sort of run it out of yourself, and you also look AWESOME when you run into your ex at the local bar/the Oscars, causing him/her to feel deep, life-altering and never-ending regret about letting you go, the likes of which will probably lead to several angry, sad novels and bitter songs). But maybe she was just getting back to her old self. I don’t WANT to blame Justin for this. I really don’t. And yet…
 

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

Aug 26, 2008 By Jessica AT 12:30 pm

We got an email the other day from a reader, and it said something along the lines of, “Is Jessica Biel looking kind of bland lately, or is it just me?” And I was like, “gentle reader, it is not just you, for I was thinking the same thing recently.” I mean, it’s not that she woke up some morning and she was totally hideous — she is still physically lovely, of course — but she just looks so OATMEAL lately. To wit:

I mean, it’s fine. She looks fine. I just feel like iJEBT Iufiu9487ytg’jhnbhhhhhh.iwyriu bb b 

Sorry. I fell asleep. I was just going to say that she’s young and firm and gorgeous, so why doesn’t she try some eiwhto98e877244 *%&$Tgjkekgn .

Shoot. You know what? Why don’t you take over?

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Golden Globes Red Carpet Fug: Well Played, Lots Of People

Jan 18, 2007 By Heather AT 12:07 pm

As many nits as there were to pick at the Golden Globes, there were a lot of people who looked glorious. And in the spirit of karma, I’ve decided to spotlight a few of them. Although it might just be the soothing back rub Intern George just gave me; he does put a girl in a good mood.

Let’s start with Sara Ramirez from Grey’s Anatomy.

In addition to being a Tony-winning performer who held her own in that original star-studded Spamalot cast (check out “The Song That Goes Like This”; it’s funny, and she’s got a great voice), she is also, in my opinion, really wonderful and tough and funny on Grey’s. And here, she looks like an old-time movie star, utterly glamorous in ruby-red with a sweetly feminine coif. (See, Cameron Diaz? It’s possible to wear red lipstick and not look like a five-year old smeared it on for you.)

It’s also refreshing to see her working a real woman’s body. Forgive me if this is a pale retread of Jessica’s America Ferrera entry of yesterday, which was brilliant, but the point bears repeating: Remember on Ally McBeal, when all the actresses skinnied up because they had to go to work every day with Calista Flockhart and it made them insecure? Well, the Grey’s set has so far avoided such catastrophes, with Chandra Wilson and Ramirez (and to a degree Kate Walsh and Katherine Heigl) balancing out the very tiny Sandra Oh and Ellen Pompeo. I dearly hope none of them start emaciating themselves in a McBeal vein; in an interview, Ramirez once admitted that it was hard for her to watch the show in the early days because she felt she looked hulking, and that the underwear-dancing scene was a challenge to shoot for that reason — and so she hired a trainer and has felt better about herself. And that’s great and all, as long as it’s for her health and not because she thinks it’s required of her by the viewers or anyone else. Because Ramirez has been smoking hot from day one on that show, and she doesn’t need to change a thing.

Another stunner who got almost no attention on any of the red carpet shows: Edie Falco.

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