Fugger: Jessica Szohr

Vanessa Fugbrams

Jul 12, 2010 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

When I heard Gossip Girl was going to Paris, I had this horrible fear that the whole SHOW would go. So, less like the brilliance of Brenda and Donna Go Abroad And Brenda Meets ‘Reek’ And Donna Almost Becomes A Model While Wearing a Giant-Sunflower-Print Dress, Like, I’M SO SURE; Meanwhile Dylan and Kelly Go All ‘Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover’ On The Beach And David Silver Sings About People Who Are Precious To Him And Andrea Gets A Bad Haircut And Brandon Dates A Bigot, and more of people illogically following Blair and Serena to Paris for contrived reasons, until they all end up standing at the Eiffel Tower bleating, “Rufus? What are YOU doing here? DAN? And VANESSA? Aren’t you too boring to be here?” And then it would be a parade of anyone who was ever on Gossip Girl, like Dorota and her new baby, and Carter Whatshisface, and Blair’s old minions, and her new ex-minions, and Jack Bass, and Rufus and Lily’s downstairs neighbor, and some extra who likes to sit on the Met steps who would be all, “Blair WALDORF! I haven’t seen you since you left for sixth-period English a year ago!”

Anyway, fortunately, my fears may have been unfounded. I have tried to make this as unspoilery as possible, but I don’t think it will ruin anyone’s day (except perhaps Jessica Szohr’s, as she is probably really bitter that her character is Too Dull For Europe) to say that this photo was not shot in Paris:
Hairy purse, denim vest-jacket — whatever. But are we, as a nation, really ready for clogs to come back? I just read an Us Weekly where a photo caption claimed Rachel Bilson is totally stoked for them this summer, and apparently V here is on board, but I am not so sure. To me, they are best left in Holland, and Melrose Place reruns. And V here is no Amanda Woodward. Like, get back to me when she makes her boss hang himself over his own desk, you know?

poll by twiigs.com
Fug file: Poll, , ,
react:

Fab The Ad, Kind Of: OP

Jun 23, 2010 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

[Photo: Splash News]

I actually think this ad for Op is really cute. But it also could not look more like a promo for an ill-fated dramedy about a group of twenty-something friends grappling with life and love in the big city, rather than a clothing ad. Trevor Donovan and Dianna Agron there on the left clearly play the golden couple — they seem perfect on the outside, but they have Secret Problems, obviously. Like maybe he secretly wants to be a lumberjack (judging from the shirt. Although, dang is he handsome). Jessica Szohr is the Quirky Artistic Single One, who is secretly in love with Cory Monteith, but Cory Monteith is secretly in love with Cassie, who is also Jessica Szohr’s roommate and already has a boyfriend (who is jerky and terrible, and thus not pictured: he will probably get drunk and fall off a dock and drown — conveniently, right in the midst of sweeps — at which point Cory will move in, destroying Jessica– a trauma I can only pray will force her into a Heartbreak Haircut, losing her Extensions of Doom). God, I can smell the CW-polished angst and outfits from here!

I hope it goes without saying that I would obviously DVR that show and watch it every week, so maybe Op should get on this. They could even call it Ocean Pacific. You’re welcome, Op. I accept checks, cash, and credit cards.

Fug file: Fugs, , , , ,
react:

Gossip Fug

May 25, 2010 By Jessica AT 2:00 pm

So, I thought this season’s Gossip Girl finale was pretty good: terrible things happened to characters I hate, a terrible thing happened to a character that I LOVE but it’s okay because that terrible thing is going to lead to some good plot developments, and someone dramatically revealed that she’s magically knocked up. But it wasn’t until later in the week that I realized why it was REALLY AWESOME:

NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. I wish Vanessa could ALWAYS be off on mysterious trips to Haiti or Cuba or the Congo or wherever. They could mention her in passing, but never would she appear to ruin things with her horrible extensions. I’m sorry, Jessica Szohr, I know this means you would be out of a job, but that would give you more free time to reflect on where you’ve gone wrong. You could begin with this.

Fug file: Uncategorized, , , ,
react:

Met Ball Fug or Fab: Jessica Szohr

May 6, 2010 By Heather AT 9:30 am

Riddle me this, Internets: Why does Gossip Girl‘s Vanessa Abrams get everything she wants, ever? She randomly applied for the Tisch writing program and got the LONE NYU spot despite having no writing experience, she’s slept with most of the male leads on the show now (hang onto your pants, Rufus and Eric), and she just got some lavishly exciting news internship that is A Huge Opportunity and thus Very, Very Exclusive, even though we’ve never seen her do anything that would indicate anyone thinks she has actual talent (with the exception of accidentally capturing Tripp Van Der Bilt’s fake drowning rescue on tape). My pet peeve is when TV shows TELL rather than SHOW, and yes, I do totally understand why that statement is amusing coming from someone who just typed an entire paragraph before getting to the sartorial point of this post:

I might need someone to tell me whether this outfit is any good, because from what I’m being shown, it doesn’t compute. There’s something about the drama of it that I appreciate, something about the cut of it that looks like a fish is vomiting, and something about the bodice that makes me think of a maillot, which reminds me that I have to shop for bathing suits, and that will probably make me stabby. I need a helping, calming hand.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug file: Fug or Fab, , ,
react:

Well Played, Jessica Szohr’s Head

Jan 6, 2010 By Jessica AT 10:04 am

It’s true that Jessica Szohr is dressed the way I do when I’m freezing cold and I just decide I don’t care how I look, I’m just going to layer the hell out of it and pretend the mess is entirely on purpose. But right now, I really could not care less about her outfit. Three guesses why, and if you watch Gossip Girl, the first two don’t count:

Her HAIR. HER HAIR. IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER. Those of you who haven’t given up on GG this season are well aware that, for the last several months, Vanessa’s extensions have looked SO ratty that people (well, meaning…me) have actually been known to scream involuntarily when the camera cuts to her. May I refresh your memory?
Read More

Fug file: Well Played, ,
react:

Jessica Fugzr

Sep 11, 2009 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

In a way I sympathize with ol’ JessicaSzohr here. Her Gossip Girl
character, Vanessa, is heinously boring. Like, keep an episode stashed
on your TiVo, because if you are ever having trouble sleeping then you
can watch one of her scenes and slip deep into a rejuvenating nighttime
coma. So of course La Szohr is going to dry to drum up some off-screen
interest via her wardrobe.

BUT:

She and her animal-print hooves don’t exactly look INTERESTING so much as vaguely threatening, like she can’t decide whether she wants to sleep with you, beat the tar out of you, or just ask you to hold her feet while she does some sit-ups. And we’re only about three days into the explosion of sheer clothing and already I’m exhausted by it; that shirt leaves little to the imagination and even less to be desired. Especially once you peek at the back:

Read More

Fug file: Fugs, , ,
react: