Fugger: Justin Bieber

Billboard Music Awards Bieberly Biebered: Bieber


“What up, foxes. It’s me. The Leaning Tower of Bieber. Want to scale me? Like my body is your Amazing Race and Phil is hiding in my hair and the first one to the mat gets a jet ski and a lawn gnome, or some shit? Oops, sorry, Mom. She asked me not to swear. She also asked me to stop tucking my big-boy pants into my kicks, but I’m all, ‘MOOOOM, only OLD PEOPLE wear pants that go all the way down,’ and she was all, ‘YOUR pants will go all the way down if you don’t tie them to your underwear,’ and I was all, ‘Peace out, Mommy, that’s why I have a pocket chain, it hooks to my tighties,’ and she was all, ‘You smell like Drakkar Noir,’ and I was like, ‘MOM I’M A RAPPER NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOONE,’ and so she texted Selena and told her to stay home. So I’m PROWLIN’, HONEY BABIES. You feel me? Come feel me. I got room for two in this hoodie.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Fugs and Fehs: Wango Tango


Wango Tango is a concert that KIIS-FM (the local pop-music station here in Los Angeles) organizes every May, and which generally features a LOT of artists who are intensely popular but ultimately kind of flashes in the pan, mixed in with people like Britney. If you want to feel old, you should look at the Wikipedia compendium of past line-ups, as they are kind of brilliant time capsules of pop culture. For example, the ’98 line-up included Hootie and the Blowfish, Vonda Shepard (!), Paula Cole and Meredith Brooks, Olivia Newton John (???) and N-freaking SYNC, who were not even the headliners (that honor went to Mariah Carey, which is fair). 1999 had — among others — Ricky Martin and Britney, a girl I’ve never heard of who doesn’t even have a Wiki page anymore and who therefore isn’t even officially alive, and Fab of Milli Vanilli in the midst of his failed attempt to be a solo artist. The following year, N*SYNC headlined (that may have been the year I personally saw N*SYNC at the Rose Bowl and had an argument with the 12 year old in front of me about whether or not JC was my boyfriend or hers [I let her win when I realized what for me was "an argument" was for her DEADLY SERIOUS. I realized this when she asked me if JC and I had "an anniversary" (we do not).]) and there were two bands I’ve literally never heard of, plus Sisqo (remember when you couldn’t get in your car without hearing “The Thong Song”? Personally, I am much more a fan of its contemporary “Hot In Herre”), and J. Simp…backed up by Nick Lachey. You guys, that page is a total wormhole and you should go procrastinate there. Get ready to say things like, “OMG REMEMBER O-TOWN?” And then come back and look at all the fools Hologram Me is going to be waxing rhapsodic about in 2022.

[Photos: Getty and WENN]

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Fugtrospective: The Year In Bieber


Basically, we couldn’t resist any excuse to run this photo. But asid from the fact that the fixation with his hair makes him the male version of The Rachel these days, it’s actually sort of fascinating to flip through A Year In The Life, because I SWEAR by the end he looks older. Which he’s supposed to, but still. It’s the magic of slideshows.

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Justin Fugber


Oh, Bieb. I know it’s a beach wedding, and the rules are often different — if there are any rules — when you have to traverse sand.

But when your girlfriend is in a ball gown (I think she was a bridesmaid?), you should maybe try a little harder not to look like you just wandered into the party to try and get an autograph. It seriously looks like Selena made you mug the maitre d’, dearest Bieb, so you’d at least have something non-skanky on over your Hanes. And what the heck is going on with your pants? Are they belted around your upper thighs? Are you smuggling a few Coronas into the ceremony? Did the doctors tell you not to wear anything tight or remotely constrictive in advance of your paternity tes…ACK. NEVER MIND. U-TURN. HIT THE GAS. GET US OUT OF THAT MENTAL PLACE.

Sigh. These kids today, I’m telling you. Anyone want to sit on my porch swing with me and shake our fists? The first bag of Werther’s is on me, if you bring the denture paste.

[Photo: Splash News]

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AMAs Fug and Fab Carpet: Selena and the Biebs


I really kind of feel for Selena Gomez. It is hard enough to be involved with a 17 year old boy — from what I recall of 17 year old boys, my first-hand knowledge of which of course dates from a time when we all lived in caves and had to wash our loincloths with rocks and had not yet fashioned the wheel — without having your boyfriend be the target of a paternity crisis covered by TMZ. (No offense to the three 17 year old boys who read this website — when I was 17, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and TV consisted of primitive cave drawings, I thought you were quite dreamy and spent a lot of time riding my pterodactyl past your caves to see if you were home.) But my advice to Famous Ladies With Boy Trouble never wavers. It is the same as my advice to non-famous ladies with boy trouble: it’s in your best interest to look extra hot at all times, just in case you find yourself in a situation where you might end up thinking, “I can’t believe [XYZ] just happened, and I hadn’t even washed my hair.”  It’s sort of a corollary to my personal motto, “Put On Some Lipstick, You’ll Feel Better.” So what I’m saying is, I don’t know what kind of shizz is going down between these two, but I approve of her popping up at this event looking fantastic whilst he looks like Eddie Munster. It just pleases me.

[Photos: Getty]

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VMAs Fug Carpet: Justin Bieber


It occurs to me now who Justin Bieber is: He’s Amanda Bynes in She’s The Man. With equally improbable success with the ladies.

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