“Sigh. Remember when I was dating Pacey? Man, I had it good. Do you think there’s a Sliding Doors alternate reality where he and I got married and our child wears flats and nobody looks at me and wonders what might have been? If you figure it out… maybe please zap me there, okay?”
Fugger: Katie Holmes
“I’m Katie Holmes. I’m wearing a cute dress, semi-horrifying shoes, and an invisible cape of intense desperation, subliminally pleading with you, the Youth of America to a) go see my new movie, Katie Holmes Pretends To Care About Her Career and b) to PLEASE CARE ABOUT MY CAREER AGAIN. I swear, I used to be a PERSON, not The Lady Married To Tom Cruise. Really! Find an old person on the street and ask them about Dawson’s Creek! SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A WALL ONCE.”
There is so much to discuss here.
1) Fifteen new ways to wear jeans? I’m only aware of one: as pants. Very eager to hear how I might wear them as a bra, or on my spleen.
2) The cover line writer for InStyle seems bored. “Fall’s Amazing Shoes.” “Fall’s Five Smart Buys.” Zzz. Although I do appreciate that it’s five, and not 576.
3) Apparently one of the ten style rules to break now is, “Try not to put words under someone’s armpit.”
I think that covers it, right? Oh, well, I guess there is the minor issue of WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH HER FACE??!?Q@$?. This looks like a computerized composite of Katie Holmes, like she’s starring in one of those creepy movies like Polar Express or whatever where they try and ascribe your face to a CGI character. Or like someone else’s eyes were grafted onto Katie’s face. It reminds me of the time I had two photos of myself and a friend, from the same party, where we would’ve looked really cute in the first one if my eyes had been open — so I took my eyes from the second one and pasted them onto the first, and even though they were taken like seconds apart and we hadn’t moved positions or angles, I somehow looked like reanimated evil and my eyes resembled direct conduits to Satan’s mind grapes. I’m not saying Katie looks that nefarious here, but … I mean, she’s Katie Holmes. Surely her natural best was good enough.
Shall we take a gander at what Katie “Joey ‘Kate Cruise’ Potter” Holmes has been wearing lately? WE SHALL. A warning for those of you with crippling Rumpled Shortsaphobia: things are about to get very real for you.
KATIE: So, yeah. ReelzChannel.
TOM: Beats the HeelzChannel!
KATIE: Right. So let’s get this straight. Nicole got To Die For and Moulin Rouge, and I got Mad Money and then a bunch of humiliating song-and-dance appearances and then FINALLY I got to play Jackie O and it’s suddenly just for THE REELZCHANNEL?
TOM: Also better than the WheelzChannel!
TOM: Or the FeelzChannel, for low-rent porn!
TOM: Or the SpielzChannel, all about people standing up and giving speeches! Or the PeelzChannel, for skinning oranges, or the BielzChannel, or the Tatum O’NealzChannel…
KATIE: Are you drunk?
TOM: Why do you ask?
KATIE: Well, you’re not making sense, and your shoes look like you spilled beer on them.
TOM: I resemble that remark! HAHA!
KATIE: I knew it. I can’t believe you told me this looked good. It’s BORING. I just played Jackie O, but I look like Joey P. It’s essentially a TANK TOP. It doesn’t even fit my boobs that well. Remember when I wore expensive stuff that actually LOOKED expensive? Even if it was crazy? I DID NOT MARRY YOU SO I COULD STILL LOOK LIKE JOEY POTTER. NICOLE NEVER DID THIS. WHERE DID IT GO WRONG.
TOM: Probably with us getting married in the first place. It’s kind of like a show on the SurrealzChannel.
KATIE: STOP IT.
TOM: Oh, whatever. Try turning on the SuckItUpAndDealzChannel.