Fugger: Khloe Kardashian

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR:

(Click on the pic and see this blessed kard full-size).

If last year’s card depicted a family of asshole maitre d’s, and the year before that looked like the bus ad for the third season of a cut-rate nighttime soap, then THIS year is cheery, cheery, cheery — or as cheery as you can be when your holiday card features a DEAD CAT IN A GLASS BOX. I mean, I presume that poor animal was alive when the photo was taken, and of course one doesn’t just blithely photoshop out a family member who happens to take her final jaunt up to the great catnip fields in the sky during the several weeks between your massive holiday photoshoot and the day you mail out your cards, but here is the real question: WHY IS THAT CAT IN A BOX TO BEGIN WITH? Is this some Schrodinger’s Cat joke that finally proves once and for all that the Kardashians are way smarter than anyone gives them credit for? Is the cat just trying to get as far away from Scott Disick’s bare ankles as possible? Are they trying to set me up for a “Dick in a Box”-inspired joke that is really just too dirty for me to make on this family website (and which I also can’t quite nail [no further pun intended])? Does Kim keep all her pets in the finest organizational accoutrements from The Container Store? Is this just the holiday card version of when your cat gets all stressed and decided to hide under the bed FOREVER or until you start using the can opener? HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR VISION, KARDASHIANS.

I will say, in the interest of holiday peace and joy, that — leaving aside the relative wisdom of including A CAT IN A BOX on your holiday card instead of Kanye West (in fairness, Kanye would never consent to being photographed inside a box; he can not…ahem. CAN NOT BE CONTAINED) — this card is actually kind of kute. I don’t know why Rob is being a DJ back there — is he a DJ now? I thought he was a trouser sock magnate — but everyone actually looks legitimately happy, and Scott is serving true Patrick Bateman realness, which is also HIS code for being legitimately happy. Khloe is five minutes away from “accidentally” pouring her champers onto Kris’s head, which makes ME happy, and also, I am thrilled that she and Lamar are still married because I love them together. DON’T JUDGE ME, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS.