Fugger: Kristen Wiig

Lately, Marie Claire has done some really good covers — like the revelatory au naturel Kim Kardashian shot (which Allure basically tried to rip off a couple months later, except for how theirs turned out really sweaty and less flattering and, well, worse), and the in-your-face Jolie shot, and even last month’s Blake Lively effort. So I was bummed out by the Kristen Wiig edition:

Kristen Wiig is a very pretty lady, and seems like she’s probably fun. Not that you would know it from this. If you had never heard of her before — say, you just woke up from a very long coma, in which your dead uncle told you all sorts of truths about your soul but absolutely nothing about pop culture — you would wonder if “HER LOL INTERVIEW” was actually supposed to read “LOW,” and that she’d spent the whole time in very low spirits and with low energy, speaking at low volume, sitting in low light, briefly lowing like a cow, and then, I don’t know, low-balling somebody on a pair of shoes on eBay. That thing is stiffer than a face on Real Housewives: Pick Any City. Her smile seems forced and insincere, as if the wind machine made it hard for her to breathe, and the pose seems arranged chiefly to maximize boob exposure — something I don’t traditionally associate with Marie Claire. In fact, to close the circle, LOL does not feel like a very Marie Claire term either. And can you really get naturally perfect skin? Isn’t the whole idea of having to do something to your skin to make it perfect the OPPOSITE of it being natural? I’m confused. I don’t think of Marie Claire as my friend who texts in teen shorthand and wears underboob blazers. Maybe we need to go out for a ladies’ night and hug it out over some cocktails.