Fugger: Scarlett Johansson

Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

Nov 20, 2012 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

Scarlett Johansson looks about as bored as I’ve ever seen her.

Seriously, her last couple red carpet events she’s seemed barely there, like she’s flipped a switch and so her body is present but her mind is in Tahiti, or in rigging Blake Lively’s airbag to explode with shaving cream when she opens the door. As for the Rodarte she’s wearing, there’s something groovy and jungly about it, but I’m a little perplexed by the front piece:

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Met Ball Fug Carpet: Scarlett Johansson

May 9, 2012 By Jessica AT 9:30 am

You know how on SNL, when Amy Poehler was still there, they’d do “SERIOUSLY?!?!?! With Seth And Amy”?* I sometimes do a version of that in my head, called “SERIOUSLY?!?!?! With Seth And Amy and Jessica” and it basically consists of whatever I’m thinking about whatever dumb outfit I’m writing about. To wit:

SERIOUSLY??!?!?!!?! You’re in the number one movie in the country and currently on the cover of Vogue and THIS is the best you can do for arguably Fashion’s Biggest Night? SERIOUSLY???!! A dress that manages to be both bland AND weird AND dated and half-assed bedhead? SERIOUSLY??!?!!!! SERIOUSLY.

*I have been informed — correctly — that is is actually REALLY?!?!?! With Seth and Amy. My defense is that in my HEAD it is called SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? because….that is how my brain works. CARRY ON.

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Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

May 3, 2012 By Jessica AT 8:00 am

Jeremy Renner LOVES a shiny suit:

He also seems to really like ScarJo, and I feel like if Jeremy Renner likes her, maybe I can, too. BUT WHAT OF HER ENSEMBLE?

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The Fugvengers

Apr 20, 2012 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

I wish there was a movie called The Fugvengers. It’d be about a group of self-appointed Fashion Police who dole out vigilante justice to, like, the people at their Starbucks who are wearing sheer tights with cropped tee shirts and the girl at their office who wears stripper shoes with lucite heels to shareholders’ meetings.

Hold your horses, Scarlett. We’ll get to you eventually.

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Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

Apr 12, 2012 By Jessica AT 10:00 am

Every time I write about ScarJo now, I think about how she hates being called ScarJo. Personally, I think “ScarJo” is a very cute nickname, but I am a fan of kooky nicknames and Heather calls me “J.Mo” all the time. From your friends, they are a term of endearment. It’s not like we’re calling her BigHead Marblemouth, or something. That being said, I will punch you in the eyebrow if you call me “Jessie,” so I guess I have to let her choose her choice to hate it.

Let’s talk about Ms Johansson’s outfit:

Peplums ahoy! In general, I am actually not a huge fan of ScarJo –  huh. Seriously, she’s right. I actually am just too lazy not to use that. It’s because I ALWAYS have to look up how to spell “Johansson.” This is also why I call Matthew McConaughey “MattMcCon.”  Where was I? Oh, yes: I am the only person in the movie theater who groaned audibly when she popped up in the trailer for The Avengers.  I mean, listen, the rest of the movie? I am there. Joss Whedon? Yes. RDJ? Of course. Chris Evans? Remember how I used to Not Get Him? Well, I liked Captain America AND he was the only part of Scott Pilgrim that I enjoyed, so now I am in (YOU WERE RIGHT). Everyone loves Samuel L. Jackson, and eye-patches, and now he’s wearing one. Thor is hunky. Ruffalo is a rumpled dreamboat. Everyone enjoys them some Jeremy Renner. I actually even really like Gywnnie as Pepper Potts (I actually secretly tend to enjoy her as an actress). And then Scarlett Johannson pops up and I swear to the sweet lord of sandwiches, her body language in every single shot I’ve seen of that movie makes her look like she’s posing for her action figure. Ugh. I just don’t buy it.

THAT BEING SAID. I kind of like this dress. Although the neckline might be bizarro? Let’s look:

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The Black Fuglia

Feb 8, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am

Something about this bodice — seriousky makes it look like a frowning insect with very long droopy feelers.

I swear I’m not on any medicine. Stare at it for a while and you’ll see. Pretty soon you will feel its bitterness. It just seems angry at me. Look, Crabby Insect Gown, it’s not MY fault Scarlett has a fantastic body and is doing absolutely NOTHING for it by wearing you. She didn’t ask me. And I don’t even know if YOU are, empirically, the problem. I think it’s just that her ex-husband is cavorting around with Boobs Legsly being “captured” by paparazzi in completely random places where you know the paparazzi do not go unless someone with a schedule has called them, and thus I kind of want her to throw that in his face by strolling around at her prescribed appearances looking drop-dead fab. And the path to that, I’m sorry to say, is not through YOU, Cranky Bug Bodice. At least not today.

[Photo: Getty]

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