Confessions of a Fug Drama Queen

Aug 18, 2009 By Jessica AT 12:29 pm

You know what’s sad? When someone who used to be moderately interesting turns REALLY REALLY BORING:

Yeah. Lilo’s all blond, skinny, wears ugly shoes and looks more convinced than ever of her own sexiness? SNORE. Wake me up when we get out of 2007.

What’s that? There’s more?

Oh, and she’s half-naked. This is supposed to INTEREST me? This is supposed to make me care again? Take a letter, Maria: address it to Lindsay’s management, if she still has any. Tell them to contact me if the following happens:

  1. Lindsay gets a job
  2. Lindsay gets a job in a movie.
  3. Lindsay gets a job in a REAL movie.
  4. Lindsay decides to chuck it all, and enrolls in a prestigious four-year university, where she excels with a double major in Economics and World Arts and Cultures and finally learns to read. She gains 20 pounds from eating giant bean and cheese burritos every night at 4am because she’s been up having profound and important conversations with the people in her dorm about the patriarchy and how it’s totally BULLSHIT.  She only ever has her hair in a pony tail and she occasionally goes to the bar in sweats. After she graduates, she gets a job that doesn’t involve selling spray tan or dressing like Marilyn Monroe and she has to answer her own phone and make her own dermatologist appointments. She buys her underwear at the Gap and always takes a multi-vitamin. Her friends sometimes tease her about how she was in The Parent Trap and sometimes when they’re really drunk they joke that the reason her hair is so big is because it’s full of secrets. When they’re REALLY drunk, they ask her if she’s sure she’s wearing her own pants and tell her to check the pockets for cocaine, at which point Lindsay rolls her eyes and changes the subject to her drought-resistant cactus garden. When that happens, someone should DEFINITELY contact me. Otherwise, I just don’t feel like dealing with this one anymore. Like, at all.

Fug file: Uncategorized, , ,
react: