Dreamfugs

Now that I’ve waded through my year-end supply of gossip magazines with Best and Worst lists galore, I’m compelled to put up another dress here that I ignored the first time around.

Beyonce Knowles’ lacy blue gown from the L.A. Dreamgirls premiere got just about everyone’s “Best” vote this year, and although I can sort of see people’s logic in saying that, as a woman I can’t get over one very massive mental hurdle with this gown.

And that is: Aren’t her breasts about to pop out of that thing?

Well, actually, I also think all the lace is overly fussy and that the see-through quality of the dress has it walking a very delicate line between “sexy” and “I’m meeting you in the elephant at the Moulin Rouge to sex you into giving our nightclub lots of money.” But mostly, I can’t look at this dress without wondering how she is able to walk around in it without constantly checking on whether her nipples are saluting the flashbulbs, and also, how many pounds of boob tape she’s employing in order to give her the freedom to shimmy.

Am I wrong? Look — is that the top of a nipple, or a circle of tape over there on the right? Or just a dent? If it’s tape, it hardly seems like enough to keep those under wraps. How is she moving freely? How is she comfortable? Did she just want them pushed up high enough to rest a drink upon, or has she really not noticed their precarious and somewhat pancaked state?

Now, I do understand that for a lot of people, the very promise of a one- or two-gun salute may be precisely why this is a “Best Dress” contender. But as a girl who loves gowns, all I can see is a bodice that looks in serious danger of  making her mother cry. Does she want to make her mother cry? Is that her revenge for all those years of hot pants? Wow. Admirable cunning, Beyonce, if it’s true — who could blame you? She REALLY kind of has it coming, when you think of it in those terms — but you might want to consider orchestrating a less X-rated trauma. Becuse “What Would Tara Reid Do?” is not a viable mantra.