F’Day

“Dear God, it’s me, Beyonce,

I’m so grateful the Oscars are over. Having to sit there and look happy for everyone when I wasn’t nominated for anything was hard. Thank you for allowing me to remain calm and collected when You Know Who won. I was scared I might lose my shit — er, I mean, my stuff. Um, sorry about that. I was also worried that I might snap during our musical number and shove her into the orchestra pit.  So I really appreciate the fact that I did not. And thank you for her terrible gold bolero. I felt much better about myself once I saw her in that. Thank you also for these shoes, they’re very cute.  And, finally, thank you for giving me the courage to wear a zip-up, hoodie-style camo gown on TRL. Not everyone could do this.  Oh, also, if you could get Solange to stop singing ‘And I’m Telling You I Am Not Going’ to me over breakfast, that would be awesome. Today, I shoved a bagel in her face. I hope she forgives me. Amen!”