It’s that time of week, Fug Nation. You to write the post about this photo, following
our very specific guidelines. The best
three (or so) entries posted in the comments — please don’t e-mail them to us
– between NOW and 10 p.m. PST Sunday night will be posted on GFY
Monday morning, with attribution, and then y’all get to vote for your favorite, to pick a winner. (Right now the only prize is THE THRILL OF
VICTORY.) Enter as often as you
want! Can we top last week’s amazing haiku? I believe!
THE PICTURE:
[Photo: Splash News]
THE FUGEE: Former and probably future WAG Elen Rives, who’s recently split from her uber-famous footballer boyfriend Frank Lampard in what sounds like a MESSY break-up. Unlike other famous Wives and Girlfriends (…POSH), Elen does not not appear to have a job as a pop star/designer to fall back on. Right now, she doesn’t even have a WIKIPEDIA PAGE, so it’s basically like she doesn’t exist. Hence, her agreeing to appear wearing THIS COAT at a celebration of Hello Kitty’s 35th birthday.
THE GUIDELINES: Your entry must take
the form of a limerick. Grammar and spelling count. You may be risque, as
in the tradition of all good limericks, but try not to get
crazy, full-on inappropriate. And although I think most of you are able to recognize a limerick once you’ve written one (much like porn), to make sure we’re all clear: a limerick has five lines, with a rhyme sequence of A A B B A. This is a famous one:
“The limerick
packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical;
The good ones I’ve seen
Are seldom so clean,
Whilst the clean ones are seldom so comical.”
Should you need further limerick-y explanation, this website is a tremendously good source for it.
EXTRANEOUS DETAILS: Ms. Rives hails not from England, like her soccer-playing ex, but from Spain. In which case, your limerick may easily begin, “There once was a model from Spain….” This may be helpful, because as My Fair Lady taught us, MANY things rhyme with “Spain.”
IMPORTANT WARNING: Please keep your entry in the spirit of the site itself. We’re pretty sure y’all know what that means. Now…..GO.
Comments (687):
“These bloggers are driving me batty.
See, I find this red dress quite natty.
While the shoes and the hose
May earn a few “no’s”
Jess and Heather were never this catty.”
Ex-girlfriend of a footballer,
You’re making me want to holler,
You’ve done bad things to Hello Kitty,
The tights and shoes are also a pity,
And what the heck is going on with your collar?
To the chagrin of the people of Spain,
Their reputation now bears a great stain:
For this WAG has come clad
In a coat that’s just sad,
Made of Kitties so senselessly slain
There once was a cat who said ‘hey’
But regretted doing so on this day
Cuz she got hung from a coat
(But couldn’t help gloat)
At least she had a Wikipedia page!
There once was a young Spanish WAG
Who was desperate to get her some swag
So she donned Hello Kitty
And man, it ain’t pretty–
She’d be better off wearing a bag!
A young lady who tried to look witty
Wore a coat made of all Hello Kitty
She thought she looked great
But we really do hate
To tell her in fact she looked “sh**ty”
(or “twitty,” if we have to keep it g-rated!)
Hello to the kitties that dangle
from a coat that looks, from this angle,
as freaky as hell,
but cuddly as well.
Hello Kitty I think must feel strangled.
Eh, first try…I might think of something better!
Recalling how WAGs are quite clannish
And afraid she’d entirely vanish,
Said, ‘Football? What’s that?
I’ve a coat made of cats!’
Cruella deVille, she was Spanish
Such a pretty red dress
Shame the rest is such a mess
Not sure why My Little Kitty is an Angel
Perhaps if we see it from another angle?
Someone should have told her that the phrase is not “more is less”
Her personal life was ill-fated
Her wardrobe becoming back-dated
What’s worse no exposure
Was risking foreclosure
So she decided to be anime-ted
Our Heather and Jessica want
me to be mean, but “nice,” in my taunt
But a coat – Hello Kitty
That’s so ugly and shitty
Means I’d like to be nice, but I “cahn’t”
Ellen was trying to be witty
in a coat made of stuffed kitty
but hailing from spain
unfamiliar with rain
in a downpour it wouldn’t be pretty
There once was a WAG from Spain
Who never wanted to be dubbed “Plain”.
So into Sanrio she wore a velcro coat,
And plunged into a Hello Kitty moat,
The only thing that can save this fug is rain.
Wow somehow I got My Little Pony and Hello Kitty mixed up in my head when I wrote that one line, so it should really read:
Such a pretty red dress
Shame the rest is such a mess
Not sure why Hello Kitty is an Angel
Perhaps if we see it from another angle?
Someone should have told her that the phrase is not “more is less”
Is that a lady wearing a coat of Hello Kitty?
Doesn’t she realize she looks immature and shitty?
But I guess now that she’s single
She’s gotta look crazy and mingle
‘Cause without a Wikipedia page her future’s not pretty
Kitty and Kermit were first ,
In this character-hunting outburst,
If PETA won’t protest,
Then someone must be next.
Is Sesame Street on alert?
“Frank,” she said, “Please take me back!
I’ve now made up for what I lack.
You said I was frigid,
But don’t be so rigid
My pussy coat takes up the slack.”
Possibly over the line into full-on inappropriate, but the pun wouldn’t leave my head, so I inflict it on the comments.
A model WAG, loath to be wussy,
Just split from a libidinous he,
Said “Sir, you’re no Beckham.
Peep this coat and reckon
It’s I who now get all the pussy.”
It requires a measure of skill
To give one so snarky a chill.
But I say! What a pity
To don Hello Kitty
Like a Plushie Cruella DeVille
Good lord it’s that WAG from Spain
Who wants millions to gain
Her coat made of kitty
Fills me with pity
And the shoes just causes us pain.
For the birthday of sweet Hello Kitty
She chose this coat…what a pity;
I’m guessing that she thinks it rocks
It stinks like a litter box,
Which is fitting, cause both things are sh*tty.
-Casey
Oh Elen, you make us guffaw
Your style breaks every law.
Young WAG, how we laugh
At your styling gaffe
As Kitty just gives you the paw.
There once was a lady named Elen,
Who for fashion was convicted felon.
Thought she’d be all that
in a coat of pink cats,
But like Posh, should have shown off her melons.
Well buenas dias, Ms. Catface!
Tu es ‘twixt a rock and a hard place:
Though your dress do I covet,
The coat that’s above it
Would better match Lady V’s “cigarette” case.
There once lived an Elen the Hermit
Who knew not of GaGa and Kermit,
She wore coat of Kitty
And thought she was witty,
But kept tags on so she could return it.
Ms. Rives, a fair Spanish belle is,
Wanted back at her hot ex with malice
So she donned coat and tails
To pick up random males
Mariah Carey is the only one jealous
Once said of a coat made of pelt: “It
takes guts and tags to render it quilted”
But when the silhouette’s catty,
makes a MODEL look fatty,
The obvious choice is to belt it.
There once was a skinny young hussy
A WAG, she could afford to be fussy
But when Frank kicked her out
She’d no money, or clout
Reduced to wearing clothes made of … Hello Kitty
The life of unknown’s is so s****,
In today’s warped world-view, (more’s the pity,)
There is nought we won’t do
The Bitch Goddess to screw
So we end up f****** by Hello Kitty
A break-up can be rough, I confess
It helps hit the town in a red party dress
But one can hardly expect pity
In a coat plastered with Hello Kitty
It makes one a little depressed.
Garments can cause so much peril
Like coats made of kitties, so sterile
But this lass’s smile
Is wide as an aisle
Makes me think all of her pussies are feral
Reeves she was married to Lampard
Now he’s gone and taken the bank card
Elen was broke
Now her styling’s a joke
Oh Elen times really are hard
There once was a young Spanish lass,
Who lacked quite completely of class,
An attention starved Leo,
She stopped by Sanrio,
And glued her cat-sign to her ass!
There once was girl named Rives
Who liked to advertise her quive
She wore a coat
In order to gloat
About the pussies lining her sleeve
Said a lady from Spain (perhaps Seville?)
“one hundred and one for a coat: a thrill!”
Alas, she got it all wrong,
The dogs were long gone,
Bad homage to idol Cruella DeVille
Ms. Rives is clearly bananas
wears kitty norm’ly on pajamas
It’s horrid, we’ll give
but somehow we’ll live
unless she flashes her cans at us.
Cruella deKitty reigned from Spain,
Putting fooballers through exorbitant amounts of pain.
But not for what you think!
She brought them to the point, where all they could do was look to the drink,
for her coat, made solely of Hello Kitty Cats
was anything but “phat”.
Dressed all in red,
she saw her men, and they fled!
Far from her stockings
that clashed with her shoes that actually were a rockin’.
Those alone, however could not distract
from the fact,
that she was Cruella deKitty, the one with the coat of Hello Kitty Cats.
Hello Kitty’s birthday she did celebrate
By wearing a coat we all dearly hate
Neither shoes nor dress
Will help her impress
Her former footballer mate.
The Grand High Witch did expound,
“I’m tired of all these childr…mice running around!”
Armed with new wig and mask,
She set to the task,
No more mice, but now fashion headlines abound!
There was once a young WAG hailed from Spain
Euro fashion she tried to ace, but in vain
From some young stud she ran
Selling out she did plan
Elen Rives, it is dignity you must try to regain
She thought she might go with faux fur,
but that idea just didn’t quite purr,
if animal cruelty is fashion,
tortured kitties are a passion,
so she gave these beanies some allure!
There was, once, a lady named Elen
She committed sartorial felon
She wore out her kitties
They got rather shitty(s)
So she upped and decided to sell’em.
There was a young lady from Spain
Going out in a coat in the rain
The coat was too thin
So Miss Kitty mucked in
Again, and again, and again
Imprisoned little stuffed ones I pity
Indignant end for a Kitty
Hello or otherwise
It’s surely no great prize
To be a coat worth only a buck fi’ty
The theory of multiplication
Is seldom a hallucination
But when Hello Kitty
Is a hundred and fifty
Methinks it’s an abomination!
Hello Kitty deserves a haiku
But that’s not what the rules say to do
A coat of Kitty angels
Seen from this angle
Almost as scary as the shoes!
The sad lack of any Wik page
Does declare her fame’s waxing age.
Her coat made of Kitty
Just gags, more’s the pity.
Might consider earning a wage.
When wearing a coat made of kittens
It’s best not to look quite so smitten
You look quite bats
For wearing the cats
Do you also have Hello Kitty mittens?
by Amanda in Austin.
There once was a WAG extraordinaire
Whose man loved to bang derriere
Since he enjoyed pussy
And she wasn’t wussy
She showed hers without a care
There was once a girl in the big city,
Who felt her life just turned out too gritty
when she got rid of Frank
so she went to the bank
and used his cash to wear hello kitty
Poor Elen recently bereaved
found a most curious way to grieve
to bid Frank adios
she went to Sanrio
and wore more than her heart on her sleeve
I guess she was seeking more fame
But kitties? That’s awfully lame
And why would you wear’em
When you could instead share’em
And save us from optical pain?
There once was a madame from Spain
Whose look I just could not explain
A Coat Made of Cats?
Are those Lavender Spats?
The sight of it gives me great pains.
This WAG seemed to run out of luck
So she tried to dress with some pluck
But they way to do that’s
Not a coat made of cats
And also I think the shoes suck
Tis tragic that Elen’s coat be made of cat
But this sartorial tragedy runs deeper than that
Between makeup, barely there
Bad shoes, blah hair
Elen should have upgraded with a matching kitty hat
Kitties abound on a trench.
The man who would burn it: a mensch.
“Who will wear it?” they pondered;
To a football match wandered;
And discovered this purple-shoed wench.
Our Elen was ever so keen
On wearing a costume for Halloween
That got our attention
And let me just mention
That’s the best “crazy cat lady” I’ve seen.
I love both the dress and the hose
And the shoes I’ll forgive, I suppose
And her wonderful smile’s
Sure to haunt me a while
But the coat makes me pinch shut my nose
She’s no longer married to soccer
And this Kitty coat’s really a shocker
All she wanted was fame
Yeah, we’ll remember her name
But only when we want to mock her
There once was a Spanish mujer
Who felt she had talent to share
It wasn’t quite much
As most WAGS are such
So she wore cats as pieces of flair
I spotted a coat full of kitty whilst in the city,
on a lovely women trying to look witty,
and I said “My word, don’t you know honey?”
men will never give up their money,
to a women with more than one kitty
A coat made entirely out of Hello Kitty.
Obviously, this girl is not very witty.
A professional cleat chaser,
A stylist must escape her,
Because this ridiculousness is just plain shitty.
Elen Rives, are you sure you’re alright?
I’m afraid that your trench coat may bite
Say “Hello Desperation”
To the folks at Fug Nation
And honey, what’s up with those tights?
Dear Elen here is from Spain
And her coat is anything but plain
The shoes look like hooves
And this outfit proves
Many kitties have died in vain.
There once was a lady from Spain
Who should have remained on the plane
With cats on her coat
Clear up to her throat
Her fashion drove locals insane.
There once was a model from Spain
And her coat wasn’t very plain
It was covered in kitties
But it didn’t expose her t*tt**s
So i guess we shouldn’t complain
There was a young Spaniard who upped the stakes,
but fell with too many dressing mistakes
She went a bit nutty
dressed somewhat catty
as if they were snowing in flakes
There once was an Elen from Spain,
who seemed to have brought so much pain,
to poor Hello Kitty
Oh God, what a pity,
to see so much pussy get hang’d.
There was a non-person named Rives,
Who wore stockings that would cover hives,
The shoes didn’t match,
Locks just pulled back in a snatch,
But at least her coat had many lives.
Hello Kitty angels may soar,
otherwise Ms. Rives is a bore.
Elen from Spain
is causing me pain.
What an attention whore.
A certain unknown WAG Latina
Wore “fur” in the fashion arena.
Paired grey wooly stockings
With golf shoes – how shocking!
Sanrio should serve a subpoena
This coat over not a bad frock
Bears presents for Octomom’s flock
Those shoes are not kicky
And you’ve got no wiki
The attention’s a bit of a shock
To the 35th birthday of kitty
At the behest of the Fugly Committee;
Came WAG Elen Rives
With her coat of 9 lives
To earn our derision and pity.
Elen Rives should be able by rights
To wear whatever she likes
But a coat made of kitties
And those shoes! What a pity
Can’t make me ignore those gray tights
Divorce made Elen want to shake up
Her clothes, her hair, and her makeup.
She thought she’d look divine
In a coat of feline,
But her hubby knew he’d won the break up.
She wore a frumpy red dress
Bunched at her waist in a belted mess
Her coat wasn’t pretty
It disgraced Hello Kitty
With shoes and tights that weren’t a success
There once was a girl in Hello Kitty
And the sad thing, she was very pretty
But her coat was a mistake
A WAG on the outs shouldn’t make
Those Ty cats are just sad, and not witty.
What about Hello Kitty is not to love?
Plus, you say, this “purr” coat fits me like a glove!
Well pardon me, miss
But my point is this
I fear what’s below is as bad as above.
There was once a lady named Elen,
whose parents had a hard time spellin’,
She wears kitties on coats,
not fit for a goat,
And those purple shoes have everyone yellin’.
If i were a hello kitty right now
I would hide very quiet on my town
Cause señorita elen rives is coming
And like a cruella devil of the kitties she´s hunting
I bet the next is gonna be a hello kitty prom gown.
“Who is that?” It’s just Frank Lampard’s ex,
She’s apparently missing the sex,
In a ho-hum red dress,
She looks quite a mess,
Suffering multiple dead kitty hex.
If i were a hello kitty right now
I would hide very quiet on my town
Cause señorita elen rives is coming
And like a cruella devil of the kitties she´s hunting
I bet the next is gonna be a hello kitty prom gown.
Here’s a tip for the lady from Spain:
Your cat coat causes deep pain;
Those tights are all wrong;
Purple shoes get the gong;
Next time, you should stick to the plain.
Poor Elen has just lost her man,
So she came up with a plan.
To advertise her new preference,
Cause she couldn’t just reference
That she so wanted a new wo-man!
Dear Ellen, though you are not a hussy,
your tights, shoes, and belt are quite fussy,
your smile is insane
and your hair is inane,
but I am most concerned for your pussy.
Of high class, kitty coats are not markers
Afterward she won’t know where to park hers.
Half Cruella de Vil
And a dash One Tree Hill
She’d've been better off going starkers.
She left the house feeling quite smug
Messy breakup swept under the rug
Then she looked at her shoes
Figured “nothing to lose”
Whether coat or scrolldown–it’s all fug
I misspelled her name … maybe if she had a Wikipedia page, that would not happen … Here it is, all fixed up:
Dear Elen, though you are not a hussy
your tights, shoes, and belt are quite fussy,
your smile is insane
and your hair is inane,
but I am most concerned for your pussy.
An unknown draped in dead Hello Kitty,
Had no clue that she looked pretty shitty,
She was dressed to be shunned,
And her hair wasn’t done,
Overall folks just thought “What a pity.”
If you go out with toys on your coat
And your age makes you legal to vote,
Please be a dear
And do listen here,
At least stash the tags in your tote.
Along came 60 Hello Kitties
Bound together, but not so pretty
Made into one hell of a coat
Worn by who who can’t gloat
Because her style is just such a pity!
WAG former, her popularity stagnate,
Elen took a publicity gambit.
Sadly a coat of this kind
Brings only one thing to mind:
The WAG is a real “pussy magnet.”
This Spanish rose should not invoke pity.
Though her problem solving is the worst in the city.
Can’t afford a skinned cheetah,
nor wants rage brought from PETA,
So she chose to don Hello Kitty.
Elen who has lost her man goes wandering in the city
Elen, no knows who you are, how will you get your pity?
Gray tights, red dress,
Purple shoes, what a mess!
And for the final touch, a coat adorned by HELLO KITTY
Poor, broken-hearted Ellen Rives
No longer among the footballers’ wives
Her destiny is near
A single, cat lady — it’s clear
She’s already broken out in kitty cat hives.
Remember Sanrio Surprise?
Elen Rives sure does by my eye.
Perhaps an endorsement deal
Had enormous appeal.
It offsets not being a famed wife.
A looker from Spain I did spy
And despite the tears in me eyes
I caught sight of a kitty
(More than twenty, maybe fifty)
Bedecking the WAG, Miss Rives
There once was a lady so pretty
quite obsessed with Sanrio Hello Kitty
that to her trenchcoat brand new
she went crazy with hot glue
now she looks like a freak what a pity
Gray tights with purple shoes
Give me the severe fashion blues
The kitties are scary
The whole outfit makes me wary
It’s apparently the Spanish WAG has no clue.
Oh look at me!
My coat is so twee
It’s better than bling
The Hello Kitties, they cling
As from the tights and shoes they do flee
There once was a coat made of kitty
Whose ugliness sure was a pity.
All else on the girl
Also caused me to hurl
While I was composing this ditty.
There once was a sad señorita
Who took solace in waxing fashionista
With a penchant for fur,
And creatures that purr,
At least she’ll avoid flak from PETA.
There once was a lady so pretty
quite obsessed with Sanrio Hello Kitty
that to her trench coat brand new
she went crazy with hot glue
now lady looks like a freak what a pity
There once was a girl walking ’round in the city
In a coat positively covered with Hello Kitty
“Oh no,” said she, “this jacket is bad!
I’ve left the tags on, and now I’m so sad!”
But it wasn’t labels making the garment a pity.
Excersize, go out for drinks, have a nice long soak
Call your mom, cry to your friends, hell, drink a Diet Coke
When the footballer you like
Gladly tells you “TAKE A HIKE”
It’s best not to go out dressed like a walking joke.
“Fur is out, and Hello Kitty is very much in in,”
Proclaimed Anna Wintour on a drunken whim.
So a footballer’s ex donned a coat
With Kittys from sleeves to throat
And my ugliness quotient was filled to the brim
I’d wear purple shoes,
If I could only chose.
Not so “witty”
As Hello Kitty,
But not so fuggy–J’Accuse!
There once was a model from Spain
Who caused everyone so much pain
When she went to the city
wearing Hello Kitty
as a coat that melted my brain.
The model from Spain was very pretty
Wearing her dress made of kitties
But sandals with tights???
Now that isn’t right
It made the whole outfit quite sh***ty
There once was a footballer’s WAGette
Whose beau had a two-timing racket
Growing sick of his guile
She changed her whole style
Which made her a real… kitty… magnet.
There once was a chica from Spain,
Who wouldn’t be thought of as plain,
But she should take advice
From a footballer’s wife:
Too much pussy can be such a pain!
There was a young lady from Spain
Who thought it was perfectly sane
To wear Hello Kitty
All over her bitties
Because she is desperate for fame.
This weird jacket, to some, may look “neat”
And it’s definitely not discreet
But at least it can pry
My scrutinizing eye
From her leggings and, dear God, her feet.
Ms. Rives, why is your smile so wide?
If I were in your shoes, I’d hide.
Take your mama’s advice.
The red dress is nice,
But pussies aren’t worn outside.
The WAG tag was all that she had
Till she let the cat out of the bag
Her coat of kitty
Was stylish and witty
but for the fact that it’s making us gag
Dear Elen, you’re breaking my heart.
I don’t even know where to start.
The shoes with those tights?
Your hair? It’s a fright.
And what’s with the coat, you mad tart?
Hello kitty would be her road to fame
Their little bodies all over her frame
Unfortunately for her
The cats did not purr
And even her shoes closed their eyes in shame
In a coat made of dead Hello Kitties
Elen Rives evoked all of our pities.
Do her shoes have fangs?
She could really use bangs.
Well, at least she’s not flashing her titties.
With an ex-boyfriend who plays soccer,
one would think she could have got some knockers.
That dress would look best
on a girl with some chest,
and with a belt NOT made by Dockers.
———————————
There once was a girl in a red dress,
who thought that she would look best
in a coat of Hello Kitty,
It was a terrible pity
because the result was a hot mess.
———————————-
Poor Ms. Rives has lost her footballer,
And has the misfortune of going blue collar.
You can surely relate
To her ill luck of late,
Forced to pimp Hello Kitty for a dollar!
There once was a model from Spain,
Her quests for the spotlight should not be in vain;
Her coat screams “Hola Gato!”
She might be delightfully wacko
Won’t someone please wiki her name?
There once was a clueless kitty
Who only wanted to see the city
Little did she know
That when it was time to go
Her outfit would be deemed such a pity.
There once was a lady with the blues,
Whose famous breakup made it on the news.
So, she went on a Hello Kitty killing spree;
And glued them to her coat with glee.
Maybe to draw attention away from those shoes?
A daft model wore a coat made of kitties
She thought it made her look rather pretty
’till she stepped out the door
Realized she looked quite a bore
What a shame, Elen showed she’s not witty
said Mimi, “what’s up pussygato?”
“oh, she’s proving that Frank is a vato”
by wearing my clones
she’ll show who has cajones
by starting a toystore riot-o
So she was swept under the obscurity rug
By a footballer who didn’t want her mug
But Elen had a plan
To get back at her man
But its were results were nothing more than fug
It is said that divorce is never easy,
Each side attempts to cast the other as sleazy.
What could never be fodder,
is a dream coat for a toddler,
With this outfit life is now breezy.
There once was a woman from Europe
Who had a bit too much of the “syrup”
With Kittys and Glee
How single she’ll be
We feel bad for the poor little trollop
Her ex boy-toy’s status sure had her beat
She needed photogs following HER on the street!
But we can’t see any reason
For wearing Hello Kitty this season
And letting Grimace explode on her feet.
There was a footballer’s ex in need of attention
(And, perhaps, a GoFugYourself mention)
So she covered her coat in kittens
And ordered two matching mittens
Creating with herself and PETA some tension.
oh lady from spain, you’re a mess
in that coat made of cats and that dress.
your boyfriend has left you
and because you’re bereft you
have moved on to pussy, I guess.
With her love life down on its luck.
She’ll wear nearly anything for a buck.
With a bold, hearty sneeze
Cats would fly off her sleeves
Then discussing her shoes, we’d be stuck!
The footballer’s former amour,
Said “My life on the sideline’s a bore.
I need a new passion –
My future’s in fashion!”
Her line? It’s called Pussy Galore.
Dear Elin has no paramour.
For that she must surely feel poor.
But she has a new plan
To entice a new man.
She is channeling Pussy Galore.
How come this WAG’s not all the rage?
She needs a Wikipedia page!
This coat starts her saga
She has trumped Lady Gaga
Cats are better than frogs, I would wage
When given this coat of dead Kitty,
She ought to have said “This is shitty”
But our poor, Spanish WAG
Said give me a bag,
And stepped out the door, mores the pity.
When you lose your first famous footballer,
it’s easy to slip into squalor.
Don’t drown in self-pity,
just show off the kitty,
and pick up another, but taller.
The Wag dressed head to toe in Kitty
Thought that she looked really pretty
But when she got to the party
Not only did she look tarty
But also kind of…shitty!
A girl with an insecure smile,
‘Cause her dress lacks cunning and guile.
With a purple heeled shoe,
Stockinged toes peeking through,
And sporting stuffed dolls all the while.
There once was a model named elen
who decided her outfit wasnt gellin’
she took the red pill
became cruella deville
in an attemp to outdo posh’s melons
Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty,
Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty and Hello Kitty,
Were hung by the throat
From a has been WAG’s coat
As were Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty and Hello Kitty.
There once was a model named elen
who decided her outfit wasnt gellin’
she took the red pill
became cruella deville
in an attemp to outdo posh’s melons
Elen’s coat is crawling with kitties,
At least we can’t see her tities.
But, oh, how her forehead does shine,
Damn, I forgot the next line.
I’ve never been good at ditties.
There once was a lady from Spain,
Who’s Hello Kitty coat earned her some fame.
With the tags still attached,
And her outfit mismatched.
It’s too bad it’s for being INSANE!
There once was a young WAG from Spain.
Whose breakup was causing her pain.
Unlike Posh and her titties
This WAG used Kitties
In a quest for some personal gain.
A WAG wore a coat, much maligned
Made entirely of plushes feline
Though most people knock her
For wearing that mock fur
I bet she thinks she looks quite divine!
Hello to the pussies oryentical
With no reference intended as to genital.
Your mugs on a coat
Give couture the bloat
And scream “Spay me now!” very prontocal.
She was a Hello Kitty fanatic.
If Sanrio made it, she had it.
When Frank said she was lame,
an old maid she became,
so this coat will be quite, quite thematic.
Oops, typo in my first submission:
The model from Spain was very pretty
Wearing her coat made of kitties
But sandals with tights???
Now that isn’t right!
It made the whole outfit quite sh**ty
There was a cute kitty named “Hello,”
’twas a symbol for all that is mellow,
’til CruElen DeRives
called up her nasty thieves-
now poor Kitty’s a coat straight from Hell-o.
I once saw a coat in green
Made of Kermit’s the frog, so mean
But now I need fame
So play GaGa’s game
And here I need a sentence that’s obscene
There is this lovely lady from Spain
Who loved to cause us great pain
She wore a coat made of Kitty
Thinking she looked Oh so Pretty
But we wish she had jumped out of a plane!
Lose your man? All alone? Got the blues?
Torn between toys and fur and can’t choose?
True, no cats have died
But that coat is offside
Take it off, and let’s discuss the shoes
Elen, you must miss your lad,
And want to prove that you’re not feeling sad.
But that coat of whimsy
As an attempt? Quite flimsy.
Hello, kitty’s out of the bag.
There once was a lady from Spain,
Who felt that her coat was too plain,
She hopped in a vat,
came out covered in cat-
My poor retinas suffer in pain.
There once was a lady from Spain,
Who felt that her coat was too plain,
She hopped in a vat,
came out covered in cat-
My poor retinas suffer in pain.
Warning to WAGs past, present, future:
Be careful you don’t turn a moocher
For if your gent should take leave
And give your clothes the big heave
You’ll dress like your brain needs a suture.
Bankrupt, your brain you wrack
And due to a proffer from your flack,
you now have quite a rack -
of cats, that is
Confusion to others it gives
And perhaps the desire to yak.
Defined:
Flack: publicist. I swear it’s word.
Yak, as in the vomit-y sense.
Ah Elen, you wished to look witty,
dressed entirely in stuffed Hello Kitty,
But your quest was in vain:
to be known outside Spain,
and Frank’s still going to think you look shitty.
Too easy a rhyme…
It’s sad that your man had affairs,
while you sat at home unawares,
but there’s ways and there’s means, dear,
to get your news to his ears:
killing innocent kittens s’not fair.
Off her nut by that bloke who kicks balls
Elen plays at hopscotch in the halls
But her meltdown’s completed
In violet clogs feted
And a frock made of pussycat dolls
There once was a pair of grey tights
With a red dress it was not a great sight
But with her coat made from Kitty,
It’s her brain we should pity,
And excuse her this bad fashion night.
Not bright it this ex-WAG Elen
Show pussy for press they’d said with a grin
So she threw Sanrio into the mix
Along with an awful pair of kicks
And thought she’d come off with a win.
Ack! Typo. Corrected:
Not bright is this ex-WAG Elen
Show pussy for press they’d said with a grin
So she threw Sanrio into the mix
Along with an awful pair of kicks
And thought she’d come off with a win.
Elen went to a Hello Kitty Soiree
In a coat that was quite passé
But her break-up with Frank
Has broke the bank
So let’s just nod and say Olé!
Her love life at present pathetic
She thought she’d go for a brand new aesthetic
She said with a grin
“It may scare away men,
But the cats find my new coat magnetic.”
This WAG was so frightened of rats
She wore clothing all covered with cats.
With mousetraps for shoes,
She looked mighty confused,
One wonders if she’s going bats.
Ellen’s smile show’s she’s not got the blues
With Hello Kitties in dozens, not twos!
She goes merrily along
Like she just hit the bong,
And with eyelashes on her shoes
There once was a lady named Cruella,
who was lonely without a fella.
So she turned to her sister,
who said you don’t need a mister.
Just go outside when it’s raining Kitty’s and Dalmatians without an umbrella.
Dear lady, you’re entitled to find new
Ways to get the attention of guys who
Don’t mind the hot mess
Of Kitty-coat. I confess
I’m more intrigued by the Hopscotch behind you
There’s no limits to what some do for fashion
Or whilst suffering the loss of great passion
But coats made of toys
Will not lure back boys
Especially when the rest of you is clashin’.
You’d think with a coat made of cats
It would be hard to really top that
But fug shoes with open toes
Paired with Granny’s support hose
Inspire us all to exclaim “Oh shat!”
There once was a model from Spain,
Who needed a salve for her pain.
So she wore purple shoes,
As a cure for her blues,
And a pussy coat to keep off the rain.
Did you mean to celebrate the Hello Kitty brand,
by looking like a carnival prize stand?
Those shoes are real scary
Like Lady Gaga’s millinery
Oh, Elen, I just don’t understand!
Seeing Lady Gaga’s Kermit frock,
The ex-footballer’s wife was in shock.
I’ll top that, she wept
As she silently crept
Up to Toys R Us wielding a Glock.
Her coat made of cats brought dismay
But she could have picked worse to convey
See, she could have flashed her bits!
And we’d be screaming in fits!
I’ll take cats over kitty any day.
You’d think with a coat made of cats
It would be hard to really top that
But fug shoes with open toes
Paired with Granny’s support hose
Inspire us all to exclaim: “Oh shat!”
A lovelorn young WAG seeking views
Donned Kitties that seem to amuse
But forget the fur coat
’bout which everyone wrote –
WTF’s going on with those shoes?!
A model once thought it quite haute
To put kittys all over her coat
Being from Spain
Her friends had to explain
It’s “pussy CAT” dear, not “pussy coat”
The jacket she wore through the city
Celebrating a middle-aged Kitty
Will steal your attention
And aid in prevention
Of notice her shoes are so shitty.
There once was a dame from Seville,
Who thought she’s Cruella DeVille.
But, Oh, What a pity!
She wore Hello Kitty!
And it just didn’t give the same thrill.
The dress underneath all those toys looks quite pretty,
But your shoes, tights, and coat beg commentary witty.
You’re not a transformer,
Your legs can’t be that much warmer,
And even DeVille would stop at kitties.
Once upon a Friday my eyes did cry
for a sight that was so awry:
an ex-WAG who was clothed
in a kitty-coat I did loathe
but worse yet was the comic sans “Ty”.
Good grief, I put a random apostrophe in my previous post. Let’s hope my students never find out! (and we won’t even get into the grammar from that first line, because, hey, it’s a limerick!) Anyway, it should read…
Ellen’s smile shows she’s not got the blues
With Hello Kitties in dozens, not twos!
She goes merrily along
Like she just hit the bong,
And with eyelashes on her shoes
Now here’s a familiar tune:
A WAG kitted out like a loon.
Her jacket is furry
But my biggest worry?
Her feet look like ninja raccoons.
The Cruella DeVille of the kitties
Found traipsing all ’round the city
their poor little faces
in so many places
No wonder he thought she was sh!tty…
(less profane version)
The Cruella DeVille of the kitties
found traipsing all ’round the city!
Their poor little faces
in so many places -
a sad and unfortunate pity.
While smuggling cats cute and furry,
Elen Rives was in quite a hurry.
She stuck them outside of a trench coat;
We sighed.
The line between fashion and taste? Blurry.
Miss Rives, I’m sure you are pretty
It’s hard to tell, as you’re covered in Kitty.
I can’t tell what is worse,
Those shoes! AND NO PURSE?
Please, do not unleash this on the City.
Now here are a whole bunch of Kittys
That wanted to wear something pretty
They picked out this model
On whom they will toddle
All day chauffeured round the big city
Elen Rives here thinks she looks pretty,
And hoped to find a new man in the city.
She didn’t understand,
So let’s give her a hand–
That’s not what he meant by “show me your kitty.”
Hello Kitties, how could it have felt
To be given wings, then sewn into a pelt?
Stressed out lady of Spain
Probably blames them for her pain,
But she chose gray tights and a brown belt!
Elen is desperately searching for fame
Does she realize fashion isn’t a game?
Such a sad wannabe
Posh Spice she’ll never again see
For her kitty coat she needs someone to blame
If you’re attempting to look cute – stop trying.
If someone told you that you were – they were lying.
That dress is a pity.
Oh poor Hello Kitty.
Sanrio fans everywhere are crying.
A model was told by a store,
“We’ll dress you as Pussy Galore!”
So she signed on the line,
Thinking she’d look divine,
But now she’s a kitty cat whore.
No excuse for the sad state you’re in
(those tights and shoes truly a sin!)
Of your breakup, I’m sorry
But the headline will surely be
“Look what the cats have dragged in!”
The thing you must know about Elen
Is, while it looks like she’s kvellin’,
She knows the coat’s dreck,
But they gave her a check–
She doesn’t care if we buy what she’s sellin’.
This outfit gives me the blues,
the tights I can’t excuse,
I’ll write her a note
“Please take off that coat,
and come lets talk ’bout your shoes.”
Revenge is a coat best worn warm
Said a model dressed far from the norm
When my fiancé, he strayed
These threads I had made
From his cats… do you think it’s bad form?
Spanish Cruella de Vil?
Your smile belies the evil
Of this crude display
On Kitty’s birthday
With the shoes, it’s all downhill
Frank left his poor model foresaken,
her sense of style visibly shaken.
That outfit is heinous!
No matter how famous,
no kitties can help save her bacon.
Forced to don shoes of gross plastic,
She decided to do something drastic.
Sadly the cats,
Failed to distract,
So let’s hope the pay is fantastic!
WAGs cannot be thought of as run of the mill,
But such judgment as this is making me ill
I’ll pass her a note:
“What a ghastly coat!
And you, miss, are no Cruella DeVil!”
In a coat made of angel cats
Or wait, Hello Kitty bats?
Wings or not, the cats weep
Who is this creep
Who dares to wear us with spats?
I’d say Elen dressed in a hurry.
Shoes purple, dress ratty, coat furry?
She can’t keep her man,
Cruella de Vil of Japan,
And she won’t get the vote of this jury!
A WAG cannot only be pretty
She must also be clever and witty
Elen got dumped good
’cause she misunderstood
When Frank asked to see more of her kitty
I’ll never wear fox or a mink,
Because fur is murder, I think,
But I am quite smitten,
With my coat of dead kittens,
All wearing satiny pink!
Why hello there! Meet my pussies
Enough for everyone, line up please.
Take a ticket
In order to lick it.
My coat awaits your lavish tongue’s tease.
Red, purple and grey, with a brown belt,
The palate’s enough to make eyes melt.
And what could top that?
A coat made of cat!
At least you can’t see her bare pelt.
There once was a smart Spanish WAG
Who bought a coat that made us all want to gag.
Though she should have burned it,
She decided to return it
And thus she left on the tags.
While attempting to try to look pretty
Miss Rives wore a coat made of kitty
Then she donned some thick tights
To protect her legs from catfights
The public hanging by PETA will be gritty
There once was a gal in the city
Who wore a coat of Hello Kitty
The styling was sad
Lady Gaga was mad
She’d not worn it first, what a pity
There once was a lady from Spain
Who snorted up too much cocaine
She thought it was wise
To wear shoes that could smyze
And a coat made of kitties she’d slain.
A trench coat is classy and clean;
Hello Kitty is soft and serene.
But if it should be done
That 2 become 1,
The result is not Posh but obscene.
Don’t expect much from footballer daters
To unusual tastes do they cater
Yes, she looks quite silly
But is anything really
A shock after Hello Kitty Vibrators?
You might think I’m feeling quite blue
So I bought stuffed kitties quite new
Don’t be such a bore
I’ve just robbed a store
My jacket is covered in glue
There once was a model from Spain,
Who was not blessed with very much brain,
But she’d cover her bitties
In a coat made of kitties,
So at least she can say she’s not vain.
O Lady of Spain, how divine
To vamp in a coat of feline
When your man does you wrong
Don’t request a sad song
Just flaunt your white pussy online
Thought Ellen, “My! How demure,
I’ll wear a coat made of PURRR.”
So she hid all her efforts in cardio
With a garment styled by Sanrio..
Who knew it would cause such a stir?
Afraid she’s a bit of a bore,
And feeling a tad insecure,
Thought “Toys of security,
My release from obscurity!”
But is seems to have failed hardcore.
Post-split with no Frank to hug her,
WAG Rives turned into a mugger,
Killed a hundred small cats,
And like poor Heidi Pratt,
Misunderstood when we all said, “I’d fug her.”
O Lady of Spain, how divine
To vamp in a coat of feline
When your man does you wrong
Don’t request a sad song
Just flaunt your white pussy online
Afraid she’s a bit of a bore,
And feeling a tad insecure,
Thought “Toys of security,
My release from obscurity!”
But is seems to have failed hardcore.
there once was a footballers wife
he have her nothing but trouble and strife
so down on her luck
she gave him the chuck
and now uses cats to sheild her from life
It was the birthday of dear Hello Kitty,
Which required attire somewhat pretty,
A San Rio store attack –
Some hot glue, and ALACK!
Oh Elen, you fell short of witty!
Purple, red, pink and grey
Plus hello kitty makes her day
She thinks she looks svelte
And throws in a brown belt
But things are not going her way
This outfit is surely a mess, yes
‘tho it covers a rather cute dress.
Yet it leads me to think
unless she’s had a few drinks,
that she might have a very strange fetish.
I’m not sure on my birthday I’d care
To have someone so brazenly wear
A mountain of mes
From shoulders to knees
You know, they sell gift cards out there.
There once was a model who swore
That she’d give in to her temper no more.
“I’ll never be moody
In my flypaper hoody
And run through a Sanrio store!”
There once was a WAG from Spain
Who had “Hello Kitty” on the brain.
She wore a Kitty coat in the cold,
Better suited to a four-year-old
And upon fashion sensibilities made a stain.
Do you think Wilma’d have melt
Had Fred dragged her home such a pelt?
Or would there be boos
(And yes, clearly no shoes)
Or simply a change of that belt?
Miss Rives, if I may be Frank
You have kitten all over your flank
Perhaps you’re aware
That they’re starting to stare?
After all, maybe it’s a prank?
There was once a Japanese street-style,
Harajuku girls we haven’t seen in a while.
Sorry, Gwen did it better;
You’re not a trend-setter.
We’ll have to put this outfit on trial.
Hunger for attention is rarely pretty
Especially for WAGs seeking pity
Say yes to the dress
But the rest is a mess
Really, would Posh wear something so…kitty?
There once was a WAG with no shame,
who sought irrevocable fame.
She covered her pea
with kitties so twee
And I still can’t remember her name!
Yesterday I was all fab and pretty,
but today my life is plain shitty.
My boyfriend grew tired
As his girlfriend I’m fired
Someone notice me in this coat made of kitty!!!
To a coat has been glued Hello Kitty
and me thinks that it wants to be witty
but ’tis gaudy instead
and poor girl’s been misled
which is more than just sad, it’s a pity.
There was a young miss from Granada
Who wore a cracked out feline pinata
It does not show smarts
And should come with darts
For crimes not covered by Magna Carta
You WAGs and your dear eccentricity!
A cat blanket? To save electricity?
“No!” the WAGs declare
“We’ve got cash to spare!”
“We just want to raise some publicity.”
Oops. I never took Spanish (can you tell?), so…corrected.
Well buenos dias, Ms. Catface!
Estas ‘twixt a rock and a hard place:
Though your dress do I covet,
The coat that’s above it
Would better match Lady V’s “cigarette” case.
I’m sure any way would agree,
after downing a bottle or 3,
that they too would wear plush
come across as as a lush,
in the quest for an appearance fee!
I heard Hello Kitties were in danger,
so with footwear of a Power Ranger,
attached them to my coat,
to protect-not to gloat-
yet i couldn’t look more deranged-er.
Oh Lady of Spain I adore you,
Yet still I fear I must implore you,
While there’s many ways that
One might skin a cat
This method is simply not beaucoup!
Here is a toothsome Spaniard,
Though perhaps that ought to be starred,
*As an aside,
She’s wearing plush hides,
I will be forever scarred.
You may think to yourself, “What the hell?”
Who actually made this coat to sell?”
Project Runway Committee
picked a theme, Hello Kitty!
… We can’t print Tim Gunn’s words of farewell.
Does she think she’s starting a trend?
Or begging a stylist to be her friend?
Hello kitties with tags
She’d look better in rags
She’s clearly gone off the deep end.
Hello Kitty is just not for me
‘She’ is vomit-inducingly twee
But famewhores do love
Her gift from above:
A chance to be seen on TV.
My dear fame-whoring coquette,
Your antics are as stale as ten-day old baguette.
That coat of slaughtered cat is uncouth,
And makes me long for a glass of vermouth.
Your new status: bachelorette.
Break-up binge left you bloated?
Your weight can be cleverly coated!
Impress other WAGS,
don kittens with tags
so the price of your ruse can be noted!
I’m tempted to say, hello, Kitty?
Don’t you find this, well, pretty
Cruel enough to los gatos
To say arri-cat-os
Then congratulate yourself on being this witty?
Mrs Elen will now be a Miss
And tell Frankie goodbye with a kiss -
But although a WAG
Is seldom a hag
This coat is really the pits.
Once dumped, it’s hard to feel glee.
Except perhaps mid-shopping spree.
What’s THIS that I spy?
Hello Kitty? Uh, nice try.
I’d say “Buh-bye” were it me …
This outfit is fit for a burning.
My poor aching stomach is churning.
That coat and those shoes.
Make me need some booze.
Hope it’s worth the money she’s earning.
(p.s. She IS getting paid for this, right? Please say yes. I don’t want to live in a world where people voluntarily wear things like this.)
Famous footballer’s Spanish ex-wench
Murdered kitties to make an odd trench
Fashion crime she committed
Surely won’t be acquitted
Fellow countrymen wish she was French
Do you see? I LOVE Hello Kitty!
No really, I feel effing pretty.
What blob on my head?
Stare at outfit instead!!
Though this blemish is threatening your city.
Item: BEANIE BABIES GONE GLAM!
Elen thought to herself, “Well, damn.”
Feeling lost, Wiki-free,
She went on a spree
And fell prey to this eBay scam.
With ease we’ve rhymed kitty with shitty
(It isn’t linguistically pretty)
But we must draw the line
Seeing time after time
That a pussy joke closes the ditty
And so with our minds newly clean
We wonder where Elen has been
Was she tripping on drugs?
Or not get enough hugs?
To wear a such a coat and be seen?!
Miss Rieves is proud of her pussy
So much she wants you to looksee
Obsessed with a cat
With purple spatz to match?
She really made a giant fashion whoopsie.
Let’s all cut dear Elen a break
For her honest (if fugly) mistake:
it was near Halloween,
and she thought “Peachy keen!
What a lovely mall kiosk I’ll make!”
Wearing a dress of deep red
Is a great option; when instead
A dazzler in white
Would invoke a great fright
With blood stains from stapled kitty heads.
Attention is something you lack
Your boyfriend just gave you the sack
It’s really no wonder
Your fashion’s a blunder
What does one wear when kitties attack?
though surely the woman shall lose
respect for the Kitty coat, whose
appeal is so tacky
and so clearly wacky,
i respect her much less for her shoes.
After hearing that Miley left twitter
One scorned spanish fan was so bitter
To her jacket she stuck
kitties down on their luck
Cos she threatened to eat the whole litter
Look! It’s Elen, future WAG
Her coat really does make me gag;
Adorned with wee Hello Kitties
At least we can’t see her ti**ies,
Not even to see if they sag
Lambert used to call her “Hey, baby!”
But she had enough of him acting so shady;
so she put on some hoes
with a pair of peep toes!
Now she looks like the crazy cat lady.
O lady of Spain I abhor you
But that coat won’t let me ignore you
Take your millions of pounds
And shop a few rounds
Surely London has something to restore you
What, you think this is bad?
It could have been worse, you’ve been had.
I heard Phoebe Price
wants one twice as nice.
Only she’ll be more scantily clad.
There once was a lady from Spain,
Who apparently misplaced her brain,
Wore a coat made of kitty,
Still with tags. What a pity.
It got heavier still in the rain.
Dearest Elen, for attention you scream.
“Hello, Kitty,” you purr while you beam.
The coat kawaii!
The shoes, oh so twee!
The look says “Otaku’s wet dream.”
or
This ensemble’s inspiration is hazy.
The pieces, haphazard and lazy.
The shoes with that dress?
That coat — what a mess!
I guess cat ladies really are crazy.
Glenn Close wore coats of spotted dogs
But Cruella wouldn’t be caught in those togs
Dead or alive
She’d never contrive
This excuse to be snapped by photogs.
The “Hello Kitty as angel” concept does not work well
As it is clearly apparent, this coat is from hell
Whether worn in England or Spain
This coat causes much pain
Even Elen’s cute shoes won’t help this look sell
What to wear to stand out from the mob?
A coat equal parts fug and macabre.
For the famewhore today,
Flashing one puss? Passe.
But now fifty might just do the job.
In saying Hello to the Kitty
Poor Elen looks far from pretty
When Lady Gaga wore Kermit,
She made me want to vomit
Let’s just be thankful Elen’s covered her titties
There once was a WAG, Elen Rives
Who was unknown, unlike most Wives.
So to feel famous and pretty
She skinned Hello Kitty
Giving many a sane woman hives.
There once was a model so pretty
Whose trench had gotten quite gritty.
She gave it a wash
And, oh my gosh!
It came out all covered in kitties.
Really, the coat’s just distractin’
from the scrolldown fug waiting to happen:
Open-toed purple shoes;
orphan-train stocking hues.
I’m dizzy from this interaction.
An unattached WAG is quite mired
In schemes to feel more desired.
Substances alluring?
The idea seems assuring.
(But her Japanese catnip backfired.)
This one’s for kits and giggles
Ay mujer! Que estabas pensado?
La cabeza dolia del helado?
Un gato impermeable
Es imperdonable
Tienes suerte si no pulgas contrado.
(Oh woman! What were you thinking?
Did your head hurt from ice cream?
A cat raincoat
Is unforgivable
You’re lucky if you didn’t get fleas)
‘Goodbye kitty; Hola lovely jacket
All that purring? I just couldn’t hack it!’
As for Frank? Well, be warned
Avoid a Spaniard who’s scorned
And who’s missing you’re hefty pay packet.
A flustercluck of felines on your back,
Pronounces you a pitiful fashion hack,
This plea for attention ~
Alas, your sanity is in question,
Even Bai Ling and Lady Ga Ga say, “Ack”.
Cats are often remarkably pretty,
Or cute when they are Hello Kitty.
But tacked onto a trench
on a young Spanish wench,
They manage to look rather… bad.
This lady shows she not some WAGS pawn.
With Hello Kitties that still have their tags on!
Her smile’s unabashed
But her shoes are eyelash-ed
Poor Elen’d be better with rags on
Hello Kitty, pet my pussy,
They are cushy.
Monster socks
We all know it rocks.
This coat makes me feel mushy.
Dear hello Kitty coat wearer
I dont like it, but to be fair here
You were recently unlovered
But at least you are covered
Lady GaGa would underneath it, be barer.
I want to wear something real witty.
Something that’ll remind him I’m pretty.
Tights and toes through my shoes,
this boring coat won’t do.
I’ll cover it with plush Hello Kitty!
There was a slim lady in red
Who wasn’t quite right in the head.
Made blue by a breakup
And almost sans makeup
Her kitty-coat fills me with dread.
I want to wear something real witty.
Something that’ll remind him I’m pretty.
Toes with tights through my shoes,
this boring coat won’t do!
I’ll cover it with plush Hello Kitties!
In fashion, risk-takers abound
And it seems that a new one’s been found!
But even Ms. Rives will aver
that the cat’s wearing her
Instead of the other way around.
There once was a kitty named Hello
And she was usually quite mellow
Until stapled to a coat
Worn with hooves like a goat
Made her wish for an end like Othello
Well, this ensemble does certainly not bore.
for a good answer we all do explore…
Perhaps she likes Bond?
and became over fond?
This brings new meaning to Pussy Galore
There are some trends just so avant-garde
You cry ‘Foul! That deserves a red card!’
But come this time next year
I can say without fear
We’ll be working the cat coat damn hard
When attention is all that you seek
Then a coat made of kitties is chic
But teaming it up with those shoes and those hose
Oh honey, you’ve won first prize as fug-geek
Our dear model Ms. Ellen Rives
One of football’s fantastic ex-wives
Wished to Kitty her coat
Strung them up by their throats
I think that’s two hundred cat’s lives.
There once was a lass from the Continent,
Who’d achieved meager fame just by flauntin’ it,
Showing off a coat that’s,
Festooned with stuffed cats,
So let’s all have a jolly time tauntin’ it.
We know you’re not a celebrity
So you’re showing some famewhore propensity
But a coat like that
With that creepy mouthless cat
You’d be better off being a nonentity.
When Lady Gaga wore Kermit we laughed aloud,
For who else would wear bodiless heads and be proud?
But then we saw this WAG
Wearing Hello Kitties WITH the tags,
Proving more than one stylist works only when plowed.
Sugardaddies are at a standstill
And Girl has got to pay bills
Dons this coat for attention
And a Page Six mention
And maybe a spot on “The Hills!”
Accosted for wearing her mink
This young lady was pushed to the brink.
She thought herself witty
To dress all in Kitty
Now PETA won’t know what to think.
There once was a lady from Spain
Who smiled like she was in pain
She wore hello kitty
And tried to look pretty
Alas, it was all in vain
A footballer’s ex once decreed,
That more fame was her heart’s truest need,
But those shoes, hose and dress,
And that Kitty coat mess,
Are making my retinas bleed.
A Spaniard betrothed to a Briton
Grew so awfully fond of his kitten
But when Frankie, he sinned
His poor cat, she was skinned!
And its fur had dear Elen quite smitten
A Jacket made from Hello Kitties
Who knew this WAG was so Witty
Now the Kids from Japan
All have plan
To bring footballer wives to their city.
She’s a footballin’ wife and so pretty
but she’s drowning in winged ” Hello Kitty”
what’s become of her feet?
purple stumps so petite
Fug or Fab? – there’s no need for committee
There once was an almost-ex WAG
Whose fortunes soon were to flag
In a vain search for pity
She covered a coat with Miss Kitty
And then matched her dress to the tags.
Hello Kitties fashioned by TY
Into Beanies are so cute, my my
But glued to your coat
They become a big Don’t
No matter how hard you may try.
From Spain came a girl who was pretty
But wore too much Hello Kitty
We’re pleased that she broke
From the bad balling bloke
And extend our sartorial pity.
I promise to send a haiku when my eyeballs stop bleeding.
There once was a boring brown belt
That was probably made out of felt
Imagine its surprise
To spy shoes with closed eyes
From under a stuffed-kitty pelt
In a breakup, it’s alright to grieve,
but don’t let your senses take leave.
Though advice surely varies,
most prescribe Ben and Jerry’s!
Not wearing your puss on your sleeve.
There once was a lady whose outfit was not pretty;
The worst part probably was the trench of Hello Kitty.
Although The gray knit tights were also out of place;
And the purple moccasin/orthotic-peep-toe heels were a disgrace.
Of Freaky Fug Friday she was unaware, for her face looked downright giddy.
Lady in red, I’m troubled by your coat
If this were a Naval Academy game, would you wear a goat?
What calamity befell your childhood
That innocent kitties could be so misunderstood?
I will now mull this over with a root beer float.
there once was a girl from the city
who celebrated the birth of a kitty
we saw what we saw
and looked on in awe
and agreed it was simply a pity
Some posh and impeccable WAGs
Would rather be caught wearing rags
Than commit fashion sin
Like the coat that she’s in —
Poor Elen HAS LEFT ON THE TAGS!
Oh for a person to gloat,
While wearing a Hello Kitty coat.
With a shiney face and dull hair,
And mis-matched colors one ought not wear,
This whole mess should be smote.
There once was an ex-WAG who bought
A pussycat coat as she thought
When clutching to fame
Plush doll clothing is game
But Lady Gaga she’s not
Elen in her coat from Hello Kitty,
Posing like’s she’s on “Sex In The City”.
But I’m afraid my dear
That it’s really quite clear,
Even SJP would not find this very pretty.
Attempting to be fashion’s newest heavy hitter
She eschewed the notions of taste and glitter
And when the weather turned brisk
She took quite the risk
But did she have to wear the whole litter?
There once was a girl seeking pity
After a breakup that got pretty gritty
We questioned her sanity
Screamed “Oh, the humanity”
For she had slaughtered and worn Hello Kitty
haha.
A coat made of Kittys! Hello!
A wonderful way to forego
The obvious pain
When forced to explain
The leggings and shoes down below
Oops – grammatical correction to my previous post!
Elen in her coat from Hello Kitty,
Posing like she’s on “Sex In The City”.
But I’m afraid my dear
That it’s really quite clear,
Even SJP would not find this very pretty.
You think the pussies are the thing that is worst.
However they merely distract from the purple that burst…
From my gray clad feet.
Two fangs you did meet.
Which atrocity was spotted first??
First those shoes with those tights – quelle horreur!
And the dress doesn’t fit, to be sure,
But these things I’d dismiss
If you’d learn only this:
We must not confuse toys with couture.
There was a young lady from Spain,
who’s break-up caused her great pain.
He wanted new “kitty”,
so she thought she’d be witty.
Instead, she just looks insane.
There once was a lady from Spain,
to make clothes out of kitties, she deigned.
A coat full of cats,
you’d think she was bats,
white fur is so easy to stain!
In a jacket of pink Hello Kitties
Ms. Rive covered many atrocities
That red dress fits her weird,
purple shoes that have beards?
Well at least she has covered her titties.
Breakups make Elen feel shitty
So she took to her favorite kitty
She wore grey tights with those shoes
And refused to sing the blues
But maybe should have flashed some titty
A once privileged lady quite pretty,
Decided to show off some Kitty (TM)
In a desperate attempt
To remain relevant
To the WAGs who looked at her with pity
H. Kitty, you know I adore ya
But this look really wasn’t meant for ya
For this you can thank
The ex-Mrs. Frank
And current “felina señora”
Oh lady Rives, so sad and blue
She lost her man, and her mind’s gone too.
That outfit ain’t pretty
How could she hang Hello Kitty?
Just keep her away from the zoo.
Oh dear! Sweet Lord of all might!
Thy face is so pretty and bright!
Despite that, methinks
Thy “ensemble” dost stink
Of herself, Miss H. Kitty’s own shite.
So cute and cuddly, innocent and dear
How could anyone think to turn her into outerwear?
I guess we’ll call this round done
Hello Kitty 0, designer 1 -
Poor Keroppi will forever live his life in fear.
The mystery WAG from Seville
A feline Cruella deVille;
What sick sort of deal
Does this outfit reveal,
Hello Kitty-cide purely to shill.
There once was a girl who liked cloning,
But her flat had a problem with zoning
Only two kitties per floor
So she cleverly wore
Her pets when the super was coming….
There once was a young gal from Spain,
whose wardrobe was far from mundane,
but, were she wise,
she would ditch the disguise,
and spare Hello Kitty her pain.
There once was a young gal from Spain,
whose wardrobe was far from mundane,
but, were she wise,
she would ditch the disguise,
and spare Hello Kitty her pain.
Ms Rives needs no help I see
In getting over Frank, the (alleged) hussy
She thought of a trick
That would make their divorce stick
Just wear a coat made of Hello Kitty!
While mending a broken heart
I flew awake out of bed with a start.
I dreamt he’d be smitten
if I were covered in kittens.
If it fails, I’ll say he doesn’t know art.
A señorita in red made a bee-line,
For a coat most decidedly feline.
‘iMuy bien! It’s so catty,
I look spiffy, quite natty!’
And her friends? Too polite to de-cline.
When be-coated with cats one can find,
That one’s fashion becomes much maligned;
It’s really quite galling,
To endure such name-calling,
In a coat that Ms Beckham designed.
While mending a broken heart
I flew awake out of bed with a start.
I dreamt he’d be smitten
if I were covered in kittens.
If it fails, I’ll say he doesn’t know art.
A footballer’s girl is a WAG,
Who’s generally good for a shag,
But when all that passion,
Is extended to fashion,
That much Kitty’s a helluva drag.
A lady from some Spanish city
Sported angelic Hello Kitties;
Purple shoes trimmed for golf
Made this viewer rolf
And the colors were all rather shitty.
There once was a lady in romantic dispute
Who tried to win public favour by looking cute
So she stole dear Hello Kitty toys
from precious little girls and boys
And stapled them onto her suit
OR
Senorita, tu never was una famous persona
Los tabloids refer to you as a greedy demon-a
Pero, that’s the least of your worries:
You’ve mucho offended the furries
So bugger off back to Barcelona
P.S. My Spanish is muy rusty ~_^
P.P.S. Wanted to write a limerick about her shoes, but that just snowballed into vulgar prose with no rhyme or structure whatsoever.
A lady from some Spanish city
Sported angelic Hello Kitties;
Purple shoes trimmed for golf
Made this viewer rolf
And the colors were all rather shitty.
There once was a lady in romantic dispute
Who tried to win public favour by looking cute
So she stole dear Hello Kitty toys
from precious little girls and boys
And stapled them onto her suit
OR
Senorita, tu never was una famous persona
Los tabloids refer to you as a greedy demon-a
Pero, that’s the least of your worries:
You’ve mucho offended the furries
So bugger off back to Barcelona
P.S. My Spanish is muy rusty ~_^
P.P.S. Wanted to write a limerick about her shoes, but that just snowballed into vulgar prose with no rhyme or structure whatsoever.
Ellen Rives isn’t short on charm
With a smile that’s far from lukewarm;
But, we’re getting uneasy–
It’s making us queasy
To think the Hello Kitties have eaten her arms.
There once was a lady in romantic dispute
Who tried to win public favour by looking cute
So she stole dear Hello Kitty toys
from precious little girls and boys
And stapled them onto her suit
OR
Senorita, tu never was una famous persona
Los tabloids refer to you as a greedy demon-a
Pero, that’s the least of your worries:
You’ve mucho offended the furries
So bugger off back to Barcelona
P.S. My Spanish is muy rusty ~_^
P.P.S. Wanted to write a limerick about her shoes, but that just snowballed into vulgar prose with no rhyme or structure whatsoever.
The breakup has wrecked her for sure
Lots of colors, none that match I concur
Gray tights with red sheath
Purple shoes with black teeth
Hello Kitty as her new faux fur
Hello Kitty coat, awkward-looking shoes,
red dress and grey tights won’t defeat these WAG blues
but if the Fug Girls do notice me
then the attention could possibly
keep my face and my name in the news
There once was a WAG who’s now single
In her cat covered coat she did mingle
To find a new beau
To keep her in dough
And make her Hello Kitty! tingle
Angel wings on a hello kitty
make for a coat that is quite shi**y,
with school girl tights
and shoes that fright
and even a Lohan will have pity.
What seemed a good idea at the time
Turned into a sad fashion crime
The coat, the tights, the dress
Made her a big ol’ hot mess
Forcing bloggers to mock her in rhyme
Ellen now wants to join PETA
“No fur!” She shouted “Who needs ya?”
So she whipped up a coat
(Hello Kitty, you’ll note)
And her sanity, “Hasta la vista!”
Red, violet and gray do not mix,
But while Frankie’s off getting his kicks,
Wan Elen went courting
Hello Kitty a-sporting
Attempting to get her fame fix.
And, because I didn’t haiku last week, please indulge me:
Disturbing footwear.
Purple Pac-Man monsters,
Lose the porn-stache, please.
When romances come to an end
Why not cuddle a little stuffed friend?
But, lest blogos should gloat,
Do not involve your coat,
For this eyesore will not set a trend.
Hello Kitty herself is endearing
But this coat’s effect is searing
My eyeballs and brain
Is Elen insane?
‘Off course’ her fashion sense is veering
There once was a coat made of kitten
Of which it was hard to be smitten.
Paired with shoes funky
And tights like sock moneys
There’s not much more to be written.
This kitten coat shouts a hello
The dress beneath it’s not mellow
The red and the pink,
They drive me to drink.
Take me to the bar, you fine fellow!
She’s lost her WAG-tastic rank
And no doubt, her bank account shrank
But a coat made of cat
And a forehead sans matte?
Please tell me it’s some kind of prank
While delectable Frank may be gone,
It’s good to see Elen’s moved on
Never one to be wussy
She donned her best pussy
Because fugly is better than ‘yawn’
Lady Gaga you surely are not,
Underneath this you’re probably hot!
But muppets as clothes
Is just not how it goes,
So much angst in fug nation you’ve wrought.
Cruella D’ville she ain’t!
Coat with a kitty saint?
One was in vogue,
The other went rogue
with glue guns and no restraint.
There once was a model from Spain,
Who could not appear to be plain.
She wasn’t too witty,
Instead went for hello kitty.
Sewing those to her coat was a pain!
Poor Elen could be such a looker
- At least she’s not dressed like a hooker -
But the plushies hijacked’er
(Bad taste was a factor)
¡Copón! The Hello-Kitties took’er!
(Copón is a Spanish profanity used only in Spain:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_profanity)
Hola Gatito will go where you lead ‘im.
Look closely; it sure is indeed ‘im
“Here kitty, kitty,”
Someone says to be witty.
Law, where’s PETA when you need ‘em?
Now, I’m not trying to slander
But if anyone’s trying to land her
Be very leery
For you could get teary
If you’re allergic to dander
The dress, tights, and shoes are all maybes
As for the coat of Beanie Babies?
I said to myself, Oh
Doesn’t she know
That wearing it could give her rabies?
She wore a coat of all Kitty
Oh those poor little cats do I pity
But doesn’t she know?
To catch a footballin’ bro
You must wear something less shitty
There once was a girl from Fug City
Who almost left looking quite pretty,
Till she put on thick hose
And some baffling peep-toes,
And a coat that shrieks out, “HELLO KITTY!”
That’s for the whole outfit. Here’s one for just the coat:
There once was a girl from Fug City
Who almost left looking quite pretty.
But she paved her whole coat
With fake-feline zygote,
And made us all shout, “HELLO KITTY!”
(Those Hello-Kitties look more like they’re at the embryo stage than the zygote, though.)
Miss Elen Rives, though you’re quite pretty
You’ve gravely abused Hello Kitty!
An outfit mismatched
With plush kittens attached-
Well, frankly, my dear, it looks… shoddy.
There once were high heels all in purple
Um……..
This poor girl hasn’t a clue –
She thought her Hello Kitty coat was cool.
The coat is too twee
For one as old as she.
At least it distracts from the shoes.
This poor girl hasn’t a clue –
She thought her Hello Kitty coat was cool.
The coat is too twee
For one as old as she.
At least it distracts from the shoes.
“Dear Fug Madness Selection Committee
Don’t you love my new coat made of Kitty?
With mismatched shoes and tights
In Twenty-ten I’ll put up a fight
Against SWINTON and that chick from the City”
Elena, you could be so charming.
Your visage and hair are disarming.
But look at your clothes:
Dead cat embryos!
Don’t you think that’s a little alarming?
Said the WAG with the angular face,
Who feared she had fallen from grace,
“I must get a new entry
to fashion’s fug gentry.
Hello Kitty will secure my place!”
There once was a WAG distracted.
Didn’t discern how the cat-coat attracted
Fuggers hither and yon
With their pleas of “Come ON!”
And chortles that won’t be retracted.
Frank Lampard is no Tom Brady,
But leaving her may have been shady,
He saw she was nuts
‘Cause she hated his mutts
Cats only for a crazy cat lady
It’s an urge she shuouldn’t fulfill.
But she can’t resist the thrill.
Kitty won’t get away.
Not on THIS Caturday.
I can has LOLcat Cruella DeVille?
I was up all night searching eBay
To find me a coat for Kit’s birthday
Fur? Sure, I said
Underneath I’ll wear red
It’ll match PETA paint tossed my way
Argh!! “shouldn’t”
Really I don’t understand
Why something like this isn’t banned.
She thought she’d have fun
With her crafty glue gun –
At least it wasn’t a bedazzler in her hands!
This coat made of Kitty, oh my.
I sit and I ask myself, “Why?”
Is it for Halloween?
It is searing my screen.
I must click away now. Goodbye!
Hello Kitty is a fad Japanese,
That really caught on overseas,
But a coat made of Kitty,
Bespeaks imbecility,
And is nothing but wearable cheese.
Elena, you could be so charming.
Your makeup and smile are disarming.
But look at your clothes:
Dead cat embryos!
Don’t you think that’s a little alarming?
(Slight edit from previous: “visage and hair” changed to “makeup and smile” — sad to see such a nice smile swamped by fug.)
So he took me for some kind of dimwit
And thought he could cheat, and then spin it
Now I’ve come prepared
To warn, fair and square…
Honey, you want a cat fight? – I’ll win it!
So he took me for some kind of dimwit
And thought he could cheat, and then spin it
Now I’ve come prepared
To warn, fair and square…
Honey, you want a cat fight? – I’ll win it!
elen’s man frank is honoured with stats
and she was respected with tips of the hats
but her story is over
she’s split with her lover
now she’s the crazy old lady with cats
elen meant to honour Hello Kitty
but she’s confused her fads a bitty
you see the cat is right
but the design is a sight
her coat of lolcats is a pity
So he took me for some kind of dimwit
And thought he could cheat, and then spin it
Now I’ve come prepared
To warn, fair and square…
Honey, you want a cat fight? – I’ll win it!
So he took me for some kind of dimwit
And thought he could cheat, and then spin it
Now I’ve come prepared
To warn, fair and square…
Honey, you want a cat fight? – I’ll win it!
Take my photograph won’t you, oh PLEASE?
I’ll throw on a kitten or three!
Hell, I’d wear orange spats
Made of Bill the Dead Cat
If you’d just take my photograph! CHEESE!!!!
So he took me for some kind of dimwit
And thought he could cheat, and then spin it
Now I’ve come prepared
To warn, fair and square…
Honey, you want a cat fight? – I’ll win it!
There once was a woman in pink
Whose Kitty-esque jacket did stink
Her fashion’s a crime
She should do hard time
In the un-fluffy gray-colored clink
“I have been told real fur is old
But cannot be left in the cold!
Decided to kill fake cats,
Hello Kitty duplicates
This, my friends, is pure fug gold!”
aack! sorry, mine posted like, 4 times!
There was once an Iberian WAG
Who, unFranked, saw her pap-rating sag.
But with brilliant aplomb,
She sewed kitties along
Her lapel and got back in a mag!
There was once a young WAG who got dumped.
To be Frank, her confidence slumped.
But then she sewed cats
To her coat (she looked bats!)
And her pap-rating thankfully jumped.
Without a moment of fame left to lose
Elen hopes beanie kitties amuse
But GFY readers know
They’re not just for show
But to divert our eyes from her SHOES.
It’s the ballad of Elen and Frank.
It’s got nothing to do with his bank.
But the muse was unkind!
Just suggestive stuff rhymed
And by a whisker, my limerick sank.
Oh Blast! No page on Wikipedia?
How to become the darling of all media?
Elen had a scheme,
Hello Kitty in cream,
Too bad, we all developed felinophobia!
This lady from Spain should now go
Far from us fashionistas who know.
Should this new look ascend
To a high fashion trend?
Los gatos nos dicen que “no!”
Poor heartbroken Elen was keen
To don a feline coat so obscene,
Paired with shoes that wink,
And her fame on the brink
To detract from her forehead’s bright sheen.
The model ex-WAG, oh do spill!
She needs a job, and is ready to kill…
“I have it!” she says
(Wearing jumpers on legs),
“Hello, kitties! I’m Cruella DeVil!”
There once was a young lady from Nantucket
Whose clothing caused viewers to be shockéd
But a coat this heinous
With Hello Kitties so extrenous
Would never have been seen even in Nantucket.
A pretty obvous spoof, I know.
Tho’ far from the plains of España
I still manage to wear what I wanna
Avert your eyes, if you please
But I CAN has Kitteez!
And shall drape them from here to mañana!
Girlfriend, for real, we need to chat;
You are wearing a coat made of cats.
You want him back?
Show off your rack!
But don’t wear shoes with…what are those, Spats??
There once was a young Senorita
Selling contraband cats on the street-a
Someone tried to confide
The loot should be INSIDE
Or you tend to attract Policìa
How am I able to say
What needs to in many ways
The coat is made of cats
The dress and shoes don’t match
And we find ourselves asking “por qué?”
There once was a gal on the go
With a passion for ‘Kitty-Hello’
Not just any fur
Would satisfy her
If the Kitty’s had mouths, they’d scream ‘NO!”
WAG, why the innocent smile
When your outfit screams out, “Plushophile!”?
Heartbreak’s no ball,
But why tell us all,
“Goodbye Frank, HELLO KIT-fur-pile!”?
There once was a girl on the go
With a passion for ‘Kitty-Hello’
Not just any fur
Would satisfy her
If the Kitties had mouths they’d cry “No!”
In the grand tradition of GFY “overheard” scenes:
Elen: Frank! Oh, Frank! Mi amor!
Frank: … (Lifting his jaw off the floor)
Elen: So will you take me back?
Frank: No, babe, that coat’s whack.
Elen: Guess I’ll return it back to the store.
After breaking up hard with a beau,
some gals need to put on a show.
Elen’s dressed to the nines
in a coat of felines
and we’ve forgotten her pain in one go.
Since they broke up, Elen’s heart has been all bent
Out of shape and in sadness rent
She wants him back, stat!
They said, “Flash him your ‘cat!’”
But that’s not how they meant…
“Immersion therapy,” says the doctor to me,
“Just the thing so that you can be free
Of your fears of twee cats
and angels. Why that’s
sure to work out, don’t you see?”
“In this crime against fashion, how do you plea?”
“Please sir, not guilty,
Consider my circumstance,
The victim of failed romance,
My defence is insanity”.
When a gal finds herself newly single
And heads to a shindig to mingle
It’s best not to wear
Crazy cat lady flair
Better off home eating Pringle(s)
There once were some kittens unjustly abused
When they witnessed the pairing of stockings with open toed-shoes
Someone called PETA
Who threw paint at the Senorita
Before letting the kitties loose.
Bereft of her boyfriend of yore,
Miss R. has a new life in store.
A Bond girl demure,
Her future’s secure.
Behold! Hello Kitty Galore!
´Although wearing this coat makes me sad,
and everyone will think that I´m mad,
it´s how it must be
for no one should see
the pimple I have on my forehead.´
This outfit is just such a pity.
For this nice Spanish girl should be pretty.
But she misunderstood
When they told her she could
Earn her fame just by showing her kitty!
Your romeo turned out a cheat
That ensemble a sad trick o’ treat
You are not short of cash
Why’d your pieces all clash?
‘Twas it jaw clips constraining your feet?
There once was a footballin’ Brit
Who dated a famewhore-ing twit
He chucked her from his team
So a plushie’s wet dream
She’s donned as a headline gambit.
Ok, second attempt…
A coat made of little cat angels
…shoot.
Oops, grammar counts…
Your romeo turned out a cheat
That ensemble a sad trick o’ treat
You are not short of cash
Why’d your pieces all clash?
Were those jaw clips constraining your feet?
There was a young girl in a mac
Who wished to win Frank Lampard back
So she called Hello Kitty
and said “MAKE ME PRETTY!”
So they stapled some cats to her mac
I don’t know if I’m allowed to make a slight correction to mine, but:
There once was a girl in Hello Kitty
And the sad thing, she was very pretty
But her coat was a mistake
A WAG on the outs shouldn’t make,
Those Ty cats are tragic, not witty.
She was invited for a 35th party,
Her stylist thought she was arty,
Poor kitty hangs her head,
Stitched, as it were, by a thread,
She doesn’t look any less tarty.
There once was a model from Spain
Whose love for a footballer star she could not retain
To avenge her bleeding heart from the not so lovely squire
She skinned his Hello Kitty collection and wore it as attire
And the world looks on with disdain!
There was a young lady named Elen
Who clearly got bumped on the melon
We plead with Miss Rives
“Please stay overseas!”
For here you are a fashion felon!
The dress could really be pretty
Until she covered it with Hello Kitty
Ugh, the tights or the shoes
Which is worse, I can’t choose
The whole thing is really quite shitty
There was a young lady from spain
wore her hair in an overly tight mane
her style would be great,
If only she were eight,
instead she’s just insane.
There once was this lady from Spain.
Who dresses as though she’s insane.
her boyfriend, he strayed…
This coat, she just made.
And now she is ready to party.
Elen missed out on the memo,
Cartoon kitty as clothes, oh hell no,
While the dress seems alright,
That belt and those tights,
Mean this outfit was doomed from the get go.
There once was a lass from Espana
who wanted to drum up some fashion drama.
“I’ll grab my share of those wikis
By flashing the world my….Hello Kitties.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LADY GAGA!”
Re-edit:
Ex-WAG, why the innocent smile
When your outfit screams out, “Plushophile!”?
Heartbreak’s no ball,
But why tell us all,
“Goodbye Frank, HELLO KITTY fur-pile!”?
First Gaga wore Animal’s head;
Now whole fleets of Kitties are dead.
When will PETSA* arise
And sanction these guys
With paint buckets loaded with red?
* People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals
Wool stockings with open-toed shoes
would normally make us seek booze,
but a coat a la Kitty
is really quite witty
and distracting enough to amuse.
There once was the WAG we’ll call El.
Who matched her dress to the “ty” tags quite well.
She thought her Hello Kitty coat was charming
Plus those tights, so alarming!
And are those shoes a’winking? Please, tell.
She’s a lovely girl one must confess,
But first strike: purple shoes with red dress.
Then the tights! And that BELT!
The Hello Kitty pelt?!
At least PETA is not in distress…
There once was a woman from Spain
who dared not take walks in the rain
without her own vet
‘Cause you know how cats get
when they’re wet: they will cause you great pain.
There once was a young WAG from Spain
Who one day went out into the rain.
Having lost her sensibilities,
She stepped out in a coat of stuffed Kitties
And was attacked by the neighbor’s Great Dane.
The lady she wore both pink and red
With hair that looks fresh out of bed
With shoes not-so-pretty
And way too much “Hello Kitty”
My eyes they do wish they were dead
I was horrified enough to write two.
==========
I know! Was ever a coat so glorious?
And created from a foe so notorious!
Hello Kitty came and scratched
But to Heaven was dispatched
And it was I who emerged victorious.
==========
My friend Hello Kitty passed away
So I made this tribute in one day
But the tags stayed intact
So soon it can be hacked
And parceled out for bids on eBay.
This WAG is looking quite droll
As she heads on out for a stroll
With forehead so shiny
And red dress divine-y
She’s off on a pussy patrol
Hello kitties and their TY tags enshroud
Purple shoes, red dress, and gray legs not allowed
Señorita, you smile?
Still, my eyes you beguile
An ensemble never so loudly meowed
Hello Kitty won’t make him come back;
What’s more, this distracts from your rack.
Your WAG days are done,
So go have some fun-
A cocktail of Fresh Step and Jack?
There once was a model so dense
She thought a coat made of kitties made sense
She thought it was fashion
And that maybe she’d cash in
‘Til we told her it just made us wince
There once was a model from Spain
Who insisted on giving us pain
By wearing a coat
That looked like a float
On her rep it became quite a stain
For Elen Rives I severely lack pity,
As she’s disgraced my dear Hello Kitty,
In that trench coat of shame,
She’s soiled your name,
Next to scat she even looks shitty.
Hello Kitty lacks a mouth we can trace,
WIth beady eyes she’ll see this disgrace,
You thought you looked stellar,
In designs that scream Helen Keller,
May your blank stare become a wry face.
There once was a kitty named Hello
so cute!, and in need of a fellow.
She could be a fine tote,
or an adorable coat,
but on Elen she looked oh so mellow.
You might think poor Elen Rives clashes,
with so many kitties she stashes,
A stuffy red dress,
a complete hot mess,
For god’s sake her shoes have eyelashes!
One Elen of Rives got dumped
By a baller of fame she once humped.
She bought some new clothes,
And wore her best hose,
So no one would know she’d been trumped.
A model in purple-hued heel
Was in desperate need of a meal.
She shrugged and she said
of her Kitties, “They’re dead!
And their flesh is more tender than veal.”
She thought Frank had become a bit shady
So she ditched him, and bought something crazy
Dear God, hatch a plan,
she needs a new man
I’m scared what she’ll do as a cat lady
Yes Elen, you look quite the hussy.
To leave the house, thus covered in pussy.
I believe your mistaken,
to think the prize has been taken.
Your look is all together too fussy!
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose breakup had caused her great pain
But oh what a pity!
For a coat made of Kitty
Surely just proves she’s insane!
There once was a red, belted dress
that alone would be cute, more or less.
Unfortunately
it’s on that wannabe
as a part of this steaming hot mess.
Your coat is covered in kittens
You smile like a Twihard just bitten;
The leggings are A-Rods
Not pretty just way gross,
And the shoes – I’m definitely not smitten!
Elen left all in a huff.
Walking was just not enough.
Those kitties can fly,
Just read the T.Y.
But bearing the bean bags is tough.
While angry shoes may serve to distract,
Hello Kitty has the real impact
The smile alone shows just how unwise
The stylish leanings are of this very Rives
Fly away kitties, while you’re still intact.
I dreamt of a man that was smitten
Who gave me this coat decked with kitten
It was only a joke
It turned out the bloke
Was – who else – but Lampard of Great Britain.
(Lampard laughs maniacally in the background – HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!)
Sorry poor Elen, but here goes…
There once was a lady named elen
who had obvious issues with spellen
“Hello kitty” she wrote
stuck a bunch on her coat
to distract from the shine on her melon
There once was a lady named Rives
Who made the whole populace grieve
all covered with cats
wings and tags still attached
is it heaven or hell we perceive
There once was a model from spain
Who found work was becoming a pain
She bagged a rich brit
But now they have split
She is doing whatever will pay
Hi Kitties! says shy Elen Rives
I’ll put you all over my sleeves
It’s your birthday today
And my boy’s gone away
So I’ll wear you to hide how I grieve
“I wanted to show that I am some fun,
But those who see me just turn and run,
I used to have pride
I’m wearing cats that have died!
Oh my God, what in the world have I done?!”
Elen Rives is hard to embarrass.
She’s got to work, she’s not an heiress!
To prove she’s not wussy,
She’s showing some pussy.
It would be worse if it were Paris.
One day in fashion you’re in, next you’re out
With Elen there isn’t miuch doubt
Catered to the wrong contingent
(More Bai Ling than SWINDON)
And darling, that group don’t have clout
omg i misspelled swinton and much
please forgive
i had to send it corrected:
One day in fashion you’re in, next you’re out
With Elen there isn’t much doubt
Catered to the wrong contingent
(More Bai Ling than SWINTON)
And darling, that group don’t have clout
A Brit Footballer’s wife named Elen
Upon hard times had fallen
A girlfriend consulted said ” Don’t be a wussy!
To earn cash just use the power of Pussy”
Obviously the concept to Elen was foreign.
A coat made entirely of Hello Kitty,
Obviously, this girl is not very witty.
She’s a professional cleat chaser,
but a stylist must escape her,
because this look is just plain shitty.
No! Mrs Lampard’s the name
Errm, yes I am quite insane
Why else would I be
Smiling happily
Whilst I’m wearing this lot, would you say?
seniorita was living in squalor
ditched by her handsome footballer
in desperate dismay
she took to ebay
now beanie baby supplies are much smaller
-liz
Cruella deVille, so they say,
Loves dressing in pets every day.
I tell you one thing:
She’s no more the king
‘Cuz this girl just blew her away.
Crikey, Jordan has been so nice
Since Frank has been out of my life
She said don’t be so prissy
Just get out your pussy
I’m so glad that I took her advice
Oh, footballerwife from Spain
If you feel that you look too plain
Then it’s with great prowess
That I must confess
That kitty-jacket looks quite insane
Anime has such cause for complaint
Lo! So many Japanese girls faint
You may think you’re clever
Nay, say Jessica and Heather
The second coming of Lady Gaga, you ain’t.
A woman who’s quite lacking in class
Always needs things to cover her ass.
She saw a few kitties
And covered her titties.
She must be smoking some awesome grass.
Not my best work, but figured I’d write something.
There was an oracle hello kitty
You can never have too many friends was her ditty
Elen got confused
Thought they had to be fused
Onto her coat earning her only more pity
The soon-to-be ex girlfriend of Lampard,
Scored herself many a red card
For wearing this little ditty
Covered in kitties,
But looking like she’s covered in lard.
There once was a girl, fairly pretty
Who wanted to avoid feelings of pity
So she put on a smile
And then stapled a pile
Of stuffed toys to her coat, Hello Kitty!
If you broke up and you’re feeling down
That your man has quite stepped out of town
Don’t sample the joys
Of a coat made of toys
Because, darling, you’ll look like a clown.
The girl from Madrid was no hag
Though her fashion sense made us all gag
A coat of stuffed cats, man!
Purple shoes stole from batman
My dear where’s your trick-or-treat bag?
Ole! to Elen Rives,
For showing she still has nine lives.
“Hello Kitty,” says she,
“Might get me invites to tea.”
“Barring these shoes aren’t bad vibes.”
A girl left a footballer named Frank
And trotted right on to the bank
But a coat made of cats,
High heels that have spats
Show she’s rich, but her taste is quite rank.
Here kitty kitty
That jacket’s a pity
And look at those shoes
I think she’s on booze
I’ve rarely seen fashion so shitty
Hey you, Elen Rives!
You give me the hives
With that hideous jacket
Your head, I shall whack it
You’re sure one of fashion’s nosedives
I once saw a white kitty jacket
So ugly I wanted to hack it
Up with some steak knives
As for you, Elen Rives
Fashion sense, oh! You surely do lack it
She told the doc sex was a chore
She ached, but her beau wanted more
He wrote her a script
To Barney’s she skipped
And now she’s got pussy galore
Once a girl from Barcelona,
Took on a Hello Kitty persona.
But in an attempt to look cute,
She rendered us mute
By all of the pussys that adorned her.
Oh Elen Rives it’s such a shame
You thought this coat might bring you fame
A nobody with no taste
Putting good toys to waste
Even for a WAG you are totally lame
A whole bunch of little white kitties
Try to cover up poor Elen’s t*tties
But what they can’t hide
Is taste so cock-eyed
That I screamed OH MY GOD THAT’S FUG CITY
(BTW I just wanted to say … the one I wrote with the steak knives? The rhythm really does work if you read it right. OK now I’m done.)
Poor Posh must be weeping in shame
Years of hard work down the drain
This whole outfit’s a joke
Wag rep’s gone up in smoke
Someone pack this tart off back to Spain
High Fashion is all merely vanity.
Sometimes fab and sometimes calamity.
But forget the grey hose
and those dreadful peeptoes
It’s the coat that is screaming “Insanity”
There once was a model from Spain
whose cat coat was more than insane
Though her shoes had eyelashes
she suffered flash bulb flashes
and showed that in breakup is pain
Sure, the coat is insane, and I think
that she probably should see a shrink,
but I must confess,
while she looks a hot mess,
it’s the shoes that put me over the brink.
Girlfriend got famous through media,
But this cat coat’s a real bad idea.
Though it may be for show,
We think “OH HONEY NO;
You’re not even on Wikipedia.”
I’m entering mine again – with a slightly different last line:
*clear throat*
High Fashion is all merely vanity.
Sometimes fab and sometimes calamity.
But forget the grey hose
and those dreadful peeptoes
That coat is just screaming “INSANITY!”
Im so sorry to say state this so bleak
As your indeed looking happy to a peak!
But really, are you five years old?
maybe you were horribly cold?
Either way your attempts make you look a tad eek
A gold digging WAG from a country remote
Found herself pennyless without even one green note
So she looked up above,
And praid for a partner so well-off.
But now she’s wearing their offspring out on her coat!
I’ve become seriously addicted to this little contest of yours, Fug Girls. I already posted a couple of limericks earlier, but found myself coming up with new ones while waiting in line at the supermarket and eating my not-yet-paid-for chocolate:
Having no hit singles or scent in a bottle
Senorita Rives cannot afford to be subtle
Without any shame,
behold her latest claim to fame:
The Madam of the new Furry brothel!
OR
Take that, Lampard, you boorish hound!
Your replacement will soon be found
I am young and fancy-free
And now all the guys can see
There’s enough pussies to go around!
Said a girl, ‘how I love hello kitty’
And: ‘oh, I wish I was that pretty,
But why one would be seen,
In a coat so obscene,
Tis’ a terrible, terrible pity’
Unless she’s beset with thumbscrews
No sensible* woman should choose
To ruin a dress
With the pictured hot mess
And a pair of unspeakable shoes.
*I initially had “shiny-faced” but after staring at the picture for way too long I still can’t work out whether the thing on her forehead is a reflection or a giant pimple… either way, I decided it would be ungenerous to mock it.
Sorry. I thought of a better last line:
There once was a model from Spain
Who insisted on giving us pain
By wearing a coat
That looked like a float
We concluded that she was insane.
Last one, I promise:
There once was a Wag who we pitied
Her coat was covered in kitties
But it wasn’t so bad
Because some of us had
An excuse to write dozens of ditties.
Inspired by her favourtie tv show
Elen thought that she too, could sew
So she grabbed a white trench
Got to work at her bench
Alas! Tim Gunn said ‘oh honey no!
A limerick right before bed,
Is making me light in the head.
Dreams of Japanese cartoons,
Ghosts, goblins, and goons;
With that coat, boy, she’ll never wed!
There once was a senorita named Elen
Who had one breast as big as a melon.
So she bribed some stuffed kitties,
To cover her titties.
And her secret, they won’t be a tellin’!
Oh, what an intriguing sight,
With her forehead so shiny and tight,
Poor Mariah will cry
That so many Hello Kitties had to die
And the fugging will not be polite.
An alien once went to Japan,
Searching for his biggest fan.
He ate lunch at Sanrio,
Then drove off in his Geo;
Alf threw up all over Ms. Reves Tan!!
It’s rather evident to me
what ellen wants us to see.
maybe I’m catty
but she’s downright batty
to cover herself in pussy.
In this era of reducing waste,
Don’t toss old Beanies out in haste,
Screw them, nail them to your coat,
Through the eyes and through the throat,
‘Til all your pussies are defaced.
Elen Rives thought her outfit quite pretty,
Protected by sweet Hello Kitty,
From exposing her boobs
To inelegant rubes
And shoes that would wink at the sight of a titty.
Elen Rives thought her outfit quite pretty,
Protected by sweet Hello Kitty,
From exposing her boobs
To inelegant rubes
And shoes that would wink at the sight of a titty.
There once was a lady named Rives
She was one of those footballer’s wives
She thought she looked pretty
covered in “Hello, Kitty!”
as she searched for a carnival in search of a prize.
There once was a footballer’s ex
Who wore Hello Kitty ’round her necks
Both model and coat
Made Cruella gloat,
“Darling, they’re Purr-fect trainwrecks!”
This WAG just don’t understand
(Perhaps she’s from a strange land)
Paying homage to Kitties
Won’t pay for fake titties
But Mr. Burns will pay you a grand!
(“EX-cellent.”)
There once was a Lady named Gaga,
Who started this strange little saga.
Muppets, kitties, what’s next?
Care Bears glued to a vest?
Or Elmo shorts worn by a jogga?!
Oops. I lied. One more.
Lady of Spain, I adore you
But this coat is making me say “Boo!”
It’s making me gag
And it’s making me sad
Please send this mess down the next loo.
Make me stop!
Miss Rainbow Brite, she better beware,
To don her head has become quite the dare.
Pound Puppies on pants,
and Popple tights that can dance;
G.I. Joe hats to put on my hair!
A classy WAG should not go ho’ing
Even with divorce news overflowing
So despite this whole mess
I say we are blessed:
At least her real pussy’s not showing.
A lovely young lady from Spain
Called her stylist, who tried to explain
A new puffy coat
Would make Anna dote…
Alas, f and s aren’t the same
There once was a lady from Spain
Whose stuffed-cat attire was insane.
But let’s not ignore
fug tights that she wore;
Vile sandals are also germane.
Hallowe’en is upon us once more
Trick or treaters flock to our doors
This costume though,
Could steal the show
It’s called “The Pussy Galore”
redo:
An alien once went to Japan,
In search of his biggest fan.
He ate lunch at Sanrio,
Then drove off in his Geo;
Poor Alf puked on this chica’s tan!!
Proud Elen found her next claim to fame
Dressing up as a carnival game
So come hither my pretty
in your coat of Hello Kitty
With this dart, I will gladly take aim
There once was a senorita from Meowrs
Who fancied kitties and footballin stars
Twas the season of trickery
but her fashion so sickery
She was punted straight out of club WAG’ers
Frankenstein Shoes are the thing to fight back
Against a Hello Kitty attack
They fly in like Tribbles
On trenchcoats they nibble
And you thought this outfit was wack
There once was a Spanish WAG wannabe
Who tried to use plush toys sartorially
I know Frank’s busy with Bolton
But Elen you appear to be moltin’
And this look’s just not right in hip Chelsea.
This coat is purely aesthetic
But please allow me to wax prophetic
If it was made out of steel,
Those Hello Kitties, I feel
Must be quite strongly magnetic.
There was a young lady from Spain
Who thought she’d start over again
By forgetting her ex
Not through drugs, booze, or sex,
But by causing Hello Kitties pain.
Said the marketing folks from T.Y.,
“Oh how we wish people would buy
Not just one little pretty,
But whole truckoads of Kitty!”
Said Elen, “I’ll give it a try.”
Elen Rives, your fivehead is so shiny
But you’ve harmed those kittens so tiny
Your face skin is tight
Your hands aren’t in sight
I wonder if they’re touching your vagin-y
You perfectly sweetfaced girl
you must really give us a twirl
I need more proof that this coat is true
Nobody ever went outside looking the way you do
Now please excuse me while I hurl
or:
The woman from Spain is a lovely sight
There is only one thing that should take flight
Make sure this coat is hidden
Because it should be forbidden
Than you, my dear, would be a true delight
Ms. Rives committed no crime,
She just wanted one night to shine,
But such feline aesthetic?
Now that’s just pathetic!
Perchance she drank too much wine?
There was a model from Spain
She thought she had so much to gain
Wearing a coat made of kitties
Managing not to show her t*tt*es
Looks like those shoes with teeth will maim
A jacket of cats will make some brows raise.
But for a WAG like this, publicity pays.
What’s more the pity,
when she says “Goodbye Kitty!”
she’ll still cause a general malaise.
DO OVER!
A cat coat will make some brows raise.
But WAGs know publicity pays.
What’s more the pity,
saying “Goodbye Kitty!”
will still cause a general malaise.
There once was a woman from spain
who thought she looked a bit plain
she said “I want to look pretty!
How about a coat made of kitties?”
But the people just thought her insane.
There is only so mucht that can be undone
and I am curious how this begun
You can bring the tights back
and put the shoes on the rack
But with that coat you look like someone it’d shun
OR:
A lovely dress and pretty face
Should make anyone gleam grace
But I just want to die
Hello Kitty is not you ally
Someone needs to put you in place
From the daughter Cruella de Ville
You all can say what you will
But the cat coat is warm
Despite all the scorn
So PETA can suck on my frill
Cast aside senorita with prospects thin
Outdoes many in terms of self-discipline
Though the coat’s made of kiddie toys
She has spared us her lady joys:
Maximum exposure with minimum skin.
Hello Kitty Cats on my coat,
the more the better.
Please take time to stop and dote.
(I should have worn my matching sweater.)
Pictures! Pictures! Take even more!
I must get in the post.
No, I am not a fame whore.
I just love my pictures the most.
I will make all the men swoon.
Why no you have not taken a drug.
The trend will catch on soon.
I look so fab and not at all fug!
Elen Rives is undeniably pretty.
And her coat is certainly witty.
This outfit is a mess;
Nothing matches her dress,
But thank God she didn’t show us THAT kitty!
poor miss rives lost her bf
but with looks good enough for hugh hef
she thought she’d pull off
this coat with a quaff
to which even lady gaga says “wtf?”
The cats on the coat of Ms. Rives
Think, “We’d give all nine of our lives
to not be seen here
but we’ll be in the clear
once someone noteworthy arrives.”
Trench made of Hello Kitty, what a coat
Frank departing ways, probably smart bloke
Dude, get a Wikipedia page
Then act your age
Next we will probably have to endure a bejewelled smoke
There once was a kitty named Hello
Whose fame worldwide did grow
One day she was cloned
Made into a coat this twit owned
How this happened she just doesn’t know.
Ok, re-write…
Trench of Hello Kitty what a coat
Frank departing probably smart bloke
Dude get a Wikipedia page
Then act your age
Next we will endure a bejewelled smoke
A Model and many Pussy-cats went see
The celebration of Hello Kitty,
But with her fashion afoul
And in lacking the Owl,
This limerick will not end happily.
For a fee that is smaller than nominal,
I’ll state my opinion abdominal,
(i.e. my gut feeling):
The coat’s quite appealing,
for feline festooning’s phenomenal!
There once was a model from Spain
Whose fashion taste was far from mundane
Using cruella de vil as her inspiration
She wore this hello kitty creation
Making people think she’s insane
There once was a model, quite pretty,
Whose fashion sense was a bit sh*tty.
Yet she wore her coat proudly
And shouted out, loudly,
“¡Feliz cumpleaños a ti, Hello Kitty!”
Oops. I misspelled her name, too (called her Elena). Here it is with the right spelling:
Dear Elen, you could be so charming.
Your face and your smile are disarming.
But look at your clothes:
Dead cat embryos!
Don’t you think that’s a little alarming?
I had to look up on YouTube to work out how to pronounce her name. Sad.
Oh dearest unknown Elen Rives
Who wrongly her publicist believes
A coat of Hello Kitty
Could look anything but shitty
When all who see this just grieves?
Elen has a mighty fine grin
While dressed in Hello Kitty’s skin
It might cut the chill
On the streets of Seville
But here one expects some chagrin
Elen may be an ex-wag
To me that’s no reason to brag
And a coat of old Kitty
On any committee
Is likely to cause one to gag
She was wearing a coat made of Kitty.
Over an outfit that just wasn’t pretty.
Though her shoes were quite shocking,
They won’t delay the mocking,
She’ll get from the Fug Girl’s committee.
There once was a cute Japanese Kitty,
Whose products could be purchased in nearly any city,
But ne’er a Sanrio do I recall,
Selling such a gruesome coat at any mall.
Lady Gaga is jealous…Pity!
There once was a young lady so charmy
Who wore a cat coat too utterly barmy
Not just any cat–oh no–but Hello Kitty
This was not good–fugly, but not pretty
And causing us all to rhyme most smarmy
I think the spot on her forehead is just camera-flash (not zit or super-shine). Could happen to anyone not inch-deep in matte makeup; ergo, her face *is* charming. But for those who feel differently, here’s a final edit:
Dear Elen, you could be so charming.
Your big, brilliant smile is disarming.
But look at your clothes:
Dead cat embryos!
Don’t you think that’s a little alarming?
Elen, you’ve set our tongues wagging
For dear, your bosom is sagging;
And pink kitties with red!
Have your shoes been bled?
Perhaps they are purple from gagging!
Dear Elen: So glad you’ve been freed
But your kitty coat makes my eyes bleed
Post break-up, think twice
Before fashion advice
From a Japanese pre-teen on speed
There once was a girl from Seville
Who thought she was Cruella Deville
Last night for the show
She just had to know
How many Hello Kitties to kill?
In Spain Elan wore a coat that was fluffy.
Hello Kitty’s she did think they weren’t stuffy.
But, then she was mobbed,
Her Kitty’s were all robbed
Elan’s Kitty coat was left looking scruffy.
There once was a ‘lady’ from Spain,
Who caused all our eyes so much pain.
She wore coats with cats;
Her shoes e’en had spats;
And n’er did she ever get lain.
In Spain Elan wore a coat that was fluffy
Hello Kitty’s she thought were not stuffy
But, then she was mobbed
Her Kitty’s were all robbed
And finally she did look quite spiffy.
There once was a sweet senorita
Not a crap did she give about PETA
She killed her some kitties
To cover her titties
Now she looks like a damn Trick-or-Treetah
Happy Halloween everybody!
This smile is me being brave
As I smother in this kitty cave.
You think it is cute,
This suffocating suit,
Soon it will be my pink furry grave!
Alternate ending:
There once was a sweet senorita
Not a crap did she give about PETA
She killed her some kitties
To cover her titties
Look out bitch here comes their Aunt Cheetah
There once was a model from Spain
Who smiled as if she’s in pain
With a belt ’round her waist
And shoes of … eccentric taste
And a coat that’s bloody insane!
There once was a coat made of kitties,
Which thought itself really quite witty.
The coat that she wore,
Marked the celebrity whore.
A WAG with no job, what a pity.
There once was a z-list non-entity
who just CRAVED a degree of celebrity
she was gagging for more
with her kitten couture
but that mess was more fugly than Givenchy
A lady out seeking fame,
Wore a coat that was rather quite lame.
With tags still on Kitties,
She thought she was witty,
Methinks she might win the Fug game.
The little red tags all say “Ty”
A noose ’round her fashion sense, says I.
For the kitties are stuffed
And the poor girl’s been rebuffed
If Frank’s gone, why should she try?
Since my number one goal is my fame,
Getting dressed every day is a game!
Awful coat, shoes, AND dress,
They’ll remember this mess!
So I win! Oh wait, no. I am lame!
Jilted Elen, some dating advice
(Listen up, ’cause I won’t say it twice):
A coat made of cats
Not only looks bats,
But it scares away men, not just mice.
There was a lass Spanish and daring
who made me say WHAT is she WEARING???
with an outfit so sh*tty
hello (jacket of) kitty!
My eyes hurt, I’m nauseous and swearing.
There once was a palette so random
it had red-pink-purple-brown and then some
put all together
just like stormy weather
The fuggers hath spoke: it’s NOT handsome.
There once was an ex-footballer’s ‘wife’
whose closet was a center of strife
Only garments of fun
None approved by Tim Gunn
And more stuffed cats than you could cut with a knife!
OW my EYES, this poor lady!
I would much rather look at Tom Brady
or even Gisele
say, that would be swell
Damn, I’d even take a fattened Slim Shady!
There once was a Spanish WAG,
She is a fame whore but no hag.
This has been quite a ball
Our stories are growing tall
Her choice coat makes me want to gag.
My dear Elen, this outfit’s quite rank.
When you picked it, how much had you drank?
In splits I hate to keep score,
But you’re such a fame whore
That I have to give this point to Frank.
Because this amazing thread/jacket inspired me to rewatch the KITTENS! INSPIRED BY KITTENS! video, I am forced to submit:
Kitties Inspired by Kittens Inspired by Kittens
‘We are wine bottles!’ they cry
‘I want beef jerky! I want to pie!’
But what will not hack it
is to cover your jacket!
‘Yuck! I have to go potty!’ they sigh.
What’s new, pussycat–whoa!
iDios mio! This coat is a No.
And despite what they say,
Grey textured tights you may stay
but zapatos, I will have you ‘to go.’
What’s new, pussycat–whoa!
iDios mio! This coat is a No.
And despite what they say,
Grey textured tights you may stay
but zapatos, I will have you ‘to go.’
Though not quite Posh’s successor,
This Spanish model tries, bless her.
She met in Seville
Ms. Cruella de Vil
Whose views on couture did impress her.
Great Jean-Charles de Castelbajac
On a morning of pure Wack Attack
Decided the muppets
Needed ruinous comeuppance
The Knocko-off wound up on this WAG’s back
apologies for ruinous rhymynous typo, to wit:
Great Jean-Charles de Castelbajac
On a morning of pure Wack Attack
Decided the muppets
Needed wretched comeuppance
Knock-off’s stuck upon this WAG’s back
[not great, but in syncopation.]
A girl once wore nothing matching
(Though her smile was still rather fetching)
But with the Cats of Hello
And the wreck down below
She received a poetical lashing.
There was a hot model from Spain
Who found her white coat rather plain;
Sewn on felines would sizzle!
She stepped out in the drizzle,
And learned that Kitties do not like the rain.
The Fug Girls and their readers obsess
Though she might look good in her dress,
Elen’s choice of a jacket
Makes her look rather whack-ed
And from toes to knees, what a mess!
Nuptials shattered, the ring in hock
Cursed beneath a Hello Kitty frock
Elen thought it dandy
To hint to the randy
No “key” could open her “lock”
The young Spanish lady in red
whose clothing quite fills us with dread,
Hello Kitty’d her coat,
from the hem to the throat.
A burqua’d look better instead.
If fug fame was this WAG’s intent,
then her budget was cleverly spent,
on her coat made of Kitty
and her shoes, downright sh*tty,
Too bad fugly just won’t pay the rent.
Yes I’m wearing a coat made of cat
Surely everyone will look at that
And should it not work
I’ll shorten my skirt
And wear only that and a hat
oops, need to change the third line
Yes I’m wearing a coat made of cat
Surely everyone will look at that
Though should it not work
I’ll shorten my skirt
And wear only that and a hat
There was a young lady from Spain
Who once made my head throb with pain
When I saw her coat
My lunch rose in my throat
And I saw my sandwich again
There was once a little red dress
Who went to the therapist to confess
“I feel so ashamed of being worn
With a Hello Kitty coat and purple shoes, might as well get torn”
But Elen Rives couldn’t care less
I’ve always thought it was a pity
When people dress like Hello Kitty
But to slay the poor cat
And wear the corpses like that?
It’s a good thing Miss Rives is pretty!
There once was a dame seriously lacking in elan,
Who deigned to wear a coat stitched with cats from Japan,
Her dress meowed to the world: ‘I’m newly single & not bitter!’
Yet clearly the coat was barely useful as kitty litter,
After all, the pussy doesn’t always maketh the woman.
Oh Elen Rives you may be newly single
But that doesn’t give you licence to mingle
In Cruella DeVille’s backup coat,
Upon which Katy Perry would surely dote,
And pressure socks that make your legs tingle.
In WAG-dom you have to have muy gall,
to keep your footballer in your thrall,
so I’ll give it my best,
and go forth badly dressed,
in a coat that I won playing Skee-ball.
There was a gold digger from Spain
A footballer she hoped to (re)gain
She thought she looked pretty
In a coat made of kitty
Young lady, you have something to ‘splain.
Can’t…stop…writing…limericks!
¡Dios mio! mi querida Elen,
That ensemble new men is repellin’.
Rid your coat of its cats;
Lose those crazy shoe-spats.
Do it now–I’m not askin’, I’m tellin’.
Dearest Elen, I know life’s been tough
Since you told Frank “‘nough is enough.”
But coats of Beanie Babies?
No ifs, ands, or maybes,
You’d be better off in the buff.
Poor Elen, your life’s been no gas
Since telling that cheater, “No más.”
Though Hello Kitty’s adorable,
This outfit’s deplorable.
Well, at least we can’t see your ass.
Elen Rives, we hear, is quite flitty
And her wardrobe an object of pity
She shouted goodbye
to her footballer guy
But instead should have said Goodbye Kitty
The dress, shoes and socks me laugh, sure
I pray this look will not reoccur
But those missteps aside
I cried and I cried
Over Elen Rives’ Hello Kitty massacre
The dress, shoes and socks me laugh, sure
The outfit is utter disaster
But those missteps aside
I cried and I cried
Over Elen Rives’ Hello Kitty massacre
It appears she wore a coat put on in haste.
She left the tags on; ’twas already a waste.
She prefers its untampered worth
But her cumbrous financial girth
Simply cannot afford her taste.
She’s like a little girl’s retail goddess.
Nothing about this is modest.
For this coat, many kitties died
So she could stand there with pride
The face-dot is what I find oddest.
A model she may be, but look: tights gray,
Dress red and oh, my!
That coat I can’t stand to behold
Poor Kitties pinned on it so bold
I’ll have to turn my eyes away.
The face-dot seems quite intentional.
Could the getup be any less conventional?
The shoes are appalling
Little girls are bawling
For the dead kitties that make this third-dimensional.
Well hello there, Hello Kitty
As a doll, you’re cute and you’re pretty
But covering up a nice dress
You’re sort of a mess…
See you in the next Sex and the City?
There was a young lady from Spain.
Who’s wardrobe was simply insane.
She wore coats made from cats,
To hid all her tats,
And to think Hello Kitty’s to blame.
Oh Elen, you look… rather proud.
I’ve not seen a coat so needlessly loud.
Between my repulsed gags
I see you forgot the tags
On the kitties which do overcrowd.
“Pussy for sale! Pussy for sale!
Would you like to see my pussy for sale?”
Get your mind out of the gutter,
for these words she did utter,
Pointing to her Kitty coattail.
With Miss Would-be-Lampards love life a mess,
You’d think she’d want calm instead of more stress.
But wearing those plushes
There’s bound to be rushes
Of seven year olds attacking her dress.
Not since Spain’s famed Inquisition
Has fashion seen such tortured exhibition.
Cats stitched to a coat?
Will get PETA’s goat!
Next comes arrest and extradition.
there once was a rich lady from spain
whose outfit was so freaking insane
hello kitties have been lynched
the dress is oddly pinched
ah, but the shoes bring the most disdain.
There once was a girl from Spain
Whose outfit did bring us much pain
the dress was alright
but the cats-just a fright
my horror is hard to contain
Hello Kitties “en masse” are quite pink,
and with whom did she have that last drink?
How much rum did it take
to look like a cake,
for an 8-year old’s party, you think?
Hello Kitties, grey tights, purple shoes,
are a new fashion trend one could choose.
What was she thinking?
How much was she drinking?
Her mind she did obviously lose.
A little-known model from Spain
Had spent half her life chasing fame.
She dated a baller
Who no longer calls her.
Now, as her cats found, she’s insane.
“Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies”.
This coat maker has a fast track for hades.
They must confess,
This is a mess.
Hello Kitty might invite her back for more parties.
Because today’s All Saints’:
On All Saints’, this bright, holy day,
We honor those who’ve passed away.
That those kitty wings
Help them reach higher things
Than this coat, we do earnestly pray.
I’m a nerd – ain’t got no fashion sense.
(Here, even grandma knows I’m dense.)
But even *I* know
That saying Hello
To Kitties this way’s an offense.
Your stylist’s been getting all fussy
Insisting that up you must gussy
Though broken of heart
You still played the part
And no one can call you a… hussy!
With that coat, don’t be looking so smugly
Though it looks rather cozy and snuggly
We have to protest
This look isn’t your best
Even Kitty is thinking, Hello, Fugly!
Of desperation, this look it is reeking
Your style, it might need a tad tweaking
You don’t look so gorge
Let’s call intern George!
He’ll have the advice you are seeking
Girl, here have a big margarita
Breakups, we know they’re a P.I.T.A.
But we have to say
This look’s not OK
Coats should never scream Hola, Gatita!
After breaking up with a celebrity
It’s not clear to you, though it’s clear to me
One shouldn’t show up
Dressed in kitty or pup
Whether the dumper or the dumpee
We see she’s ignored all our beggings
Fug or Fab won’t be one of her peggings
But at least we are glad
She passed on the fad
Of wearing her pants made of leggings
The Fug-O from Spain is a blur
Only PETA could take this for fur
Some socks in much pain we see
The unhappy shoes want to wee
And so I have to holler some slur
A yapping EurOPian frock
Spat the fish out just to talk
Its comments were true
They induced deja vu
Such a multitude gives you a shock
An out-of-work WAG was so pretty,
She thought she could hawk Hello Kitty.
She couldn’t foresee
That soon SJP
Would wear it on Sex and the City.
There once was a coat made of Kitties
Which would even be rejected by old biddies
The Shoes, hose and dress
Contribute to the mess
Oh Elen Rives what a pity
Behold a Spanish WAG lass
Who took fashion cues from Cruella’s sass
Elen donned Hello Kitty
Said, “At least I didn’t show titty
Wikipedia, don’t let my 15 minutes pass!”
OR
Elen, left tragically single
Took herself out to mingle
In a coat made of cute
“Glad I gave Frank the boot”
Gotta find a new footballer to dingle.
Can I actually just vote for Sara M. right now? The use of Spanish tipped me right over the edge into love.
(Not for the contest)
When I look real close up, I opine
That the forehead spot *is* camera-shine:
Each eye has a dot
That is matching the spot,
And she’s got a flash-shadow behin’.
But that’s just an opinion of mine.
And she’s sure dressed crazy enough for the spot to be deliberate…
There once was a WAG from Spain,
Who’s Kitty’s attached with distain
Purple open toes shoes,
and socks give me the blues,
No Wiki page frankly, you’re slain.
OR
Elen has Kitty blood on her dress,
Purple shoes with socks showing, a mess,
Those Kitty’s are but a dream
With wings I could scream
But at least we can’t see all her flesh.
I’ve OD’d on chocolate for sure
While seeking a retinal cure
Ex-WAG’s tights and shoes
Did cause pupils to bruise
And kitties sure ain’t haute couture
Her smile is really quite affable
The red dress I’d even call passable
but earning a dime
in this fashion crime?
Sweetie, it’s just plain laughable.
My time, Elen thought, is so long overdue.
Hello Kitty will help my solo debut!
She wore red spectrum hues
And her backgammon shoes,
But was avoided like the dreaded swine flu.
I’ve this wonderful friend you should know,
though her mood at the moment is low:
she’s terribly shy,
and she just lost her guy,
but she’s dying to say “Hello!”
This coat made me spill out my Lager,
God who’s that if it’s not Lady Gaga?
Oh it’s just a noname
Who put herself to shame
Well this Kitty’s not worth a new saga…
Elen’s walking the streets of the city
on cute legs whose color’s a pitty–
so wonderfully coy,
she needs a new boy,
and lures them in with her Kitty.
Elen’s walking the streets of the city
on cute legs whose color’s a pity–
so wonderfully coy,
she needs a new boy,
and lures them in with her Kitty.
Oh Elen, this dress could have been
a perfect outfit for Hall’ween!
But how did you dare
To rock it elsewhere?
And now look: everybody’s so mean!
There’s a pretty young WAG in the news
Who must have been hitting the booze
She wore a Pussy Galore
Of which she should have thought mejor
and threw her eyelashes down on her shoes
There was once a young Spanish girl
Who thought she was a Pussycat Doll,
But to wear all this non-sense
She must get Antin-license,
Otherwise she is not a Nicole!
When asked how the kitties sat still,
Ms Rives responded, “I kill!
I slice open their throats,
Attach them to my coat;
Faux fur makes me desperately ill!”
In Ghostbusters 2 slime of pink
Brings to life a fur coat made of mink.
These weasels condemn
The poor girl who wore them.
Lady El might be next, don’t you think?
Hey chicas! You know that I’m famous?
I dated that guy – what his game is?
Como? What you say?
My coat’s meowing today?
I wish cats could speak you what my name is.
Me llamo Elen; nice to meet you!
In Spanish and English I greet you.
I admit with a grin
At love’s game you win
But at wackadoo dressing I beat you.
Elen asks herself what she should bring
As she steps out the door for a fling
Purple shoes and red dress
Brown belt (quite a mess)
Kitties hold on with their own static cling
Cruella de Ville would say, “Hell no!
Cut the tags off your coat before you go
Don’t stick kittens on whole
Just the skin, that’s the goal
but this look is a definite hel-lo!”
There once was a woman with no shame.
She said the break up was to blame.
She wore a coat made of (stuffed) cats.
But Damn! was she also wearing spats?
Hellooooo, this kitty cannot be tamed!
Young Euro WAG so pretty
Thought she would wear Hello Kitty.
Till a cranky Rottweiler
Tried to defile ‘er
And ruined the coat. What a pity.
There once was a model from Spain
Who broke up with her footballer swain.
Starved for exposure,
She lost her composure–
Flashed her kitties at Harrods, for shame!
To win Frank back Elen missed the boat.
For when rakishly he would gloat,
“I’m out chasing pussy,”
I cannot believe he
Meant the kind glued to her coat.
Wearing a coat bountifully adorned with Hello Kitty
This poorm disillusioned woman clearly deserves our pity
Her dress, albeit bright,is quite a bore
Her shoes make us shake and scream “please, no more!”
And that, my dears, is what we call the nitty-gritty.
Hello Kitty should never be used
To distract from those ugly shoes
And gray stocking that sag
At least cut of the tags
From the ears of the cats you’ve abused!
Oh, Elen, of coat Hello Kitty . . .
So sad you considered this witty.
From the scalp-scraping do
To those ice-scraper shoes;
It’s not even FAO Schwartz-witty.
Oh Elen, how do you say?
“Mi amigos don’t go away”!
“Hello kitty is the lamb,
I’m a bit of a ham”.
“I’m on the circuit and here to stay”!
Oh Elen, how do you say?
“Mi amigos don’t go away”!
“Hello kitty is the lamb,
I’m a bit of a ham”.
“I’m on the circuit and here to stay”!
Shoes and stockings, pure Balenciaga,
A cute red dress, for which I’d go gaga
If it weren’t for the belt
And the Sanrio pelt –
Good god, get this poor WAG a lager.
There once was a girl who liked kitties
And thought they were so very pretty
That she decided to wear
Not one, not a pair,
But a number closer to fifty.
Dios Mio! Que horror!
This coat is quite a bore
But in Espana it’s quite chic
To wear cats like a freak
Beats dressing like a whore
There once was a woman from Spain
Whose efforts to match went in vain.
So she tried to distract
With a coat made of cat.
Chica! Kitty and mink ain’t the same!
There are ways to get over a man whore:
Drinking wine, say, and hitting the dance floor.
Shopping is fine
Unless after the wine
And your new clothes, they come from the toy store.
There once was a girl who, quite prettily,
Stamped her foot and demanded quite snittily
“I’ll design my own garment
But for fabric, a varmint!”
The result, you can see, is quite kittily.
There once was a woman from Spain
Whose efforts to match went in vain.
So she tried to distract
With a coat made of cat.
Chica! Kitty and mink ain’t the same!
There are ways to get over a man whore:
Drinking wine, say, and hitting the dance floor.
Shopping is fine,
Unless AFTER the wine
And your new clothes, they come from the toy store.
A modern day Cruella de Vil
With a coat that is certain to thrill
Down the dowdy gray tights I shall cruise,
‘Til I get to the horrific shoes.
Ehhh, keeping lunch down will take skill.
There once was a young gal from Spain ,
whose wardrobe was far from mundane.
But, were she wise,
she would ditch the disguise,
and spare Hello Kitty her pain.
No doubt Hello Kitty is cute,
and so is fair Elen, to boot.
But a coat that has eyes
makes its viewers despise
the entire ensemble forsooth.
Elen’s marriage got a bit gritty,
Indeed, it turned downright s****y,
So she packed up her things:
clothes, books, the ring;
and thought, “Who needs him? I have Kitty!”
Bai Ling has a cat named Quiji,
a half-cheetah hybrid is she.
While exotic and pretty,
she’s a dangerous kitty:
we can’t all be Bai, now, can we?
Remember our friend Lindsay Lohan?
It’s quite sad when she splits with a man.
She tried going lezzie,
but, man, that got messy,
at least this coat covers the cans.
Here’s a former footballer’s wife,
whose marriage went through some strife.
She said, “Hey, you know what?
Let’s get out of this rut!”
Her coat said, “Hello!” to new life.
In comfort, this coat is lacking.
Style? It’s been sent packing.
Practicality? Naw!
These are not design flaws,
Of desperation this coat is smacking.
In comfort, this coat is lacking.
Style? It’s been sent packing.
Practicality? Naw!
These are not design flaws,
Of desperation this coat is smacking.
While wearing a smile rather pretty,
her london fog all Hello Kitty,
Ms. Rives knew she’d bank
’bout 12 million from Frank.
The thought kept her from feeling quite sh*tty.
Once you’ve rhymed sh*tty and kitty
Describing a style that’s a pity
There’s no going back
You’re an internet hack
Just as bad as the gal who’s — wearing some really ugly stockings that don’t go at all with the venus flytrap-like shoes – coat, what coat?
(See how I did that?)
With her Footballer Ellen did tire.
But now she has set her sights higher.
Since she’s done with her man,
She unveils her dark plan,
To trap the pop diva Mariah.
The coat is a joke. Can I add?
Those shoes, Elen are you quite mad?
Are your feet ninja turtles?
Do they help you to hurtle
Through cat heaps, battling the bad?
There was a young lady from Spain
Who slaughtered some kittens in vain
The terrible hussy
Had a coat made from pussy
But rather than cute – looked insane
Our Elena, she said !Hola Kitty
I will use you to make my coat pretty!
My Frank will be smitten
With a coat made from kitten
As from now on its the only the puss he’ll see
“You can see from my smile in a trice,
That I know I don’t look very nice,
Now I’ve lost Frank, though,
There’s less in the bank, so
Headlines! Whatever the price”
There once was a lovely young WAG
Who was scared of becoming a hag
So as not to look sh*tty
She enlisted Miss Kitty
One hopes there’s a fab matching bag
Dude, you should have gone full on Kitty
Covering your white spot and shoes that are shitty.
We are so put out
Are you trying to cover gout?
These limmericks have been so witty.
I have not had my 2nd cup of Joe yet, spelling corrected.
Dude, you should have gone full on Kitty
Covering your white spot and shoes that are shitty.
We are so put out
Are you trying to cover gout?
These limericks have been so witty.
There once was this chick from Spain.
With some douchebag named Frank she’d lain.
Now she thinks she’s famous,
But her taste is completely heinous,
Ummm…Elen? Who are you again?
I thought of a great new creation:
remake 101 Dalmatians.
The Kitties were cheaper
Just one was a keeper
The rest are Cruell-a sensation!
I glance at this picture and sigh,
And think to myself, c’mon why?
No matter the season
There is no good reason
For cute little kitties to die