And it’s BACK. Are you ready to win some books? I know you are. Thanks for helping us out with this, K Stew:
THE SITUATION: Kristen Stewart, leaving (or heading to) the Balenciaga show in Paris, and POSSIBLY wearing shoes that are attached to her leather leggings, like you do. I’m wearing some now! (By which I mean, I’m wearing yoga pants.)
THE TASK: We haven’t done a haiku recently — due to not having done one of these in a while — so polish your 5-7-5 skillz and pen us a bitching haiku about K Stew that includes the words “vampire,” “leather” and “toes.” You can do it. Have some more coffee.
THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on Sunday.
THE PRIZE: Five of you (5)* will win a copy of Abby McDonald’s new book, Getting Over Garrett Delaney. What’s it about? Amazon tells us:
“Seventeen-year-old Sadie is in love: epic, heartfelt, and utterly onesided. The object of her obsession – ahem, affection – is her best friend, Garrett Delaney, who has been oblivious to Sadie’s feelings ever since he sauntered into her life and wowed her with his passion for Proust [...] But when Garrett leaves for a summer literary retreat, Sadie is sure that the absence will make his heart grow fonder – until he calls to say he’s fallen in love. [...] A heartbroken Sadie realizes that she’s finally had enough. It’s time for total Garrett detox.“
It’s super cute, and I know you’ll enjoy it!
*Unfortunately, this contest is open to US residents only.
Comments (177):
nails painted with blood
leather makes a vampire thirst
lick a toe, k. stew!
This is such a dorky question, but do you consider “vampire” to be two or three syllables? I actually pronounce it as three, but I feel like there might be some regional variation. My dictionary tells me either is acceptable.
If it says either, I’d just use it the way it scans for you — I myself say it with three.
I don’t get it. Where’s the third syllable? VAM-PIRE. All I get is two, no matter how many times I say it in my head.
Some people say vam-PI-ah. Or like me, say vam-peer (vampyr) just for fun
: )
Scuba diving, I
met a vampire shark who ate
my leather toe gloves
Dating a vampire
Means you have to wear leather
Edward sucks my toes
Yes! This.
I can’t even try now!!
Agreed. This one blows my measly attempt out of the water.
I don’t think I need to read the rest!
Most vampires fear sun
But even her toes know that
They should fear leather
like pickled pigs feet
encased in a leather jar
vampires eat them
Doth daytime vampire
With leather legs and cold toes
Vant to suck some fug?
Vampire leather toes
Is Aquaman in Paris?
K-Stew wants to hang!
Vampire
Toes and torso: spring.
Leather clad legs and feet: fall.
Vampire: all seasons.
freed from leather jail
vampire toes seek the sunlight
heedless of glitter
Leather? Pleather? It’s
Hard to be a vampire when
the blood rushes to your toes!
vampire maid offers
spring’s blood petals dressed as toes
beneath leather limbs
“spring’s blood petals”–love it!
Tight leather pants and
blood painted toes entice
Sparkly vampires can’t resist.
Freeing those vampire
toes from all that leather is
a big Fashion Don’t
vampire i
play but am not me
but for now
From Nosfera Toe
Leather vampire collection
You too can have sole
Awesome!
YES!
It has to be this one!
Love it!
THIS. Winner.
Leather vampires?
Watch AHS Season 2;
now with open toes.
Her toes rise from a
Leather coffin, a vampire
Of street germs. FASHION!
Leather pants are common
On vampires – not so much
Peasant tops and peep-toes
I don’t meed the residency requirements, and I made vampires plural which might disqualify me anyway, but I had to share …
If only leather
Went from head to toes, vampires
Could not access me
Peep-toed chimaera:
Leathery lady-mummy
and sparkling vampire.
Ah, Paris in spring
Smirks in S&M leather
She-Vampire, cold toes
wishing they too were
leather encased, K-Stew’s toes
cry vampire tears
Vampire sparkle? No,
True darkness needs leather skin.
And toes tipped with blood.
love this!
Vampire toes, red-
Bloodstained or essie “A List”?
Leather hides bite marks.
At brunch, a proper
Vampire pairs florals with her
Open-toed leather.
THIS ONE. YES.
Dressed for FANGTASIA
Bella will charm with her toes
Eric likes leather
OOPS, TRYING AGAIN:
Dressed for FANGTASIA
She charms vampires with her toes
Eric like leather
Vampire life is hard
Leather makes my toes look fat
God, I need a beer
awesome
Balenciaga
Would not approve black leather,
Peep toe, vampire pants
Hey there vampire girl
Doesn’t leather make you sweat?
At least toes breathe free
Her toes are fleeing
Scared to be too near leather
vampire polterwang
K-Stew is about
Leather-clad Vampire-Sad
Hide all but the toes
Grandma’s Couch Above
Leather Scuba Look Below
Vampire Red On Toes.
great one
Like this one!
Vampire haters unite
Against horrifying toes
Which creep from leather
Girl in a Vampire
Haiku. Leather legging shoes?
Her toes must be cold
Vampy? Try vampire.
In my leather pants,
I show only toes.
Bloody Vampire Toes
Clenched, Sweaty Leather Nethers,
Get Me Vagisil
hee hee
Maybe it’s because I’m in the middle of a BUFFY marathon, but I am digging the leather pants. She is young and slim, so why not? Also, I’m crappe at poetry.
me too, it’s not that bad. not at all.
Vampires can’t save her
From flesh-eating leather hooves
Lone toes may survive?
Leather, dark as night
With blood-red toes seeking light.
Vampire’s great fright!
Question for all the
Bella fan-girls: Do vampires
love leather toe pants?
Vampire footies.
Is leather the new garlic?
Edward wouldn’t bite.
ftw!
Do over. Forgot “toes.”
Vampire peep-toes.
Is leather the new garlic?
Edward wouldn’t bite.
Edward loves my toes
He said leather’s vampire’s friend
I suspect he lied
The toes are last to
morph when a vampire becomes
a leather mermaid
proper top, porno
bottom, toes exposed for a
vampire suckle
Anti-vampire pants
of leather should not stop at
your waist: toes to neck.
Leather pants-shoes blend?
Allows access to vampires
with toe fetishes
Like a good vampire
She’s wrapped in luscious leather
Her toes wiggle free
For leather and toes
(and certainly a vampire)
you cant’ beat Swinton
toes like a turtle head
leather water-snake gams draw vampires
moistness all around
I’ll bet a vampire
wearing leather pant-a-toes
smells pretty awful
Leather shields vampire
From sun, style and happiness
Toes, arms, face, immune
This leather shoe-toes
vampire look beats “lace dress big
black undies” (Fergie)
Vampire in leather
Ultimate gothic wet dream
Come hither! wink toes
i couldn’t decide if Vampire was two syllables or three…
Toes can breathe freely
Spring Volturi Vampire
Leather Collection
The leather blocketh
Hungry vampires’ desire
sans a taste of toe
“Hence is this vampire?”
“Leather-bound, she’s of Toewich”
“Of Which Wich?” “Toe, Bitch!”
love this! brilliant!
Even vampire beaus
Cannot weather the leather
Wrapped ’round Bella’s toes.
Good one!
opened toed leather…
pants?! a sparkle-less vampire
with a saggy crotch
Omigod, these are all so great. Fug girls, you have your work cut out for you!!
Good Sandy on top
Bad Sandy on the bottom
Schizophrenic Grease.
Really? styled as a leathered vampire?
looks like the female 1993 McGuyver..
So hide your toes and wear a proper shoe, KStew
Peep-toe leather pants
Show off your Vampire White Skin
In the wrong places.
Leather in her eyes
And lathered on her body
But never on toes!
Laura Ashley North
Dominatrix South: mope, mope
Vampire toes, leather
Feast your eyes, Vampire
on my bunchy leather crotch
and yum, exposed toes
Missing the vamp. Ire!
No matter how much leather
Your toes will be cold.
Vampire pale toes flee
the scene of a bloody crime
against leather pants
Sheggings by K Stew
Leather leggings show the toes
For vampires only
Ha!
btw, sheggings = shoe leggings (TM me)
Black leather stirrup / legging shoes? My eyes bleed like / bloodred vampire toes.
Leather leg condom
But Stewart left out her toes
For her vampire Ed
No vampire could
Scare me to my very toes
Like Stew in leather
Leather shoes with pants
Shants? Hipster vampire, she has
Claus-TOES-phobia
Vampire braves the sun.
Her leather uni-legs make
Edward’s toes sparkle.
Leather polterwangs hint
that R-Pattz’s freak curls my toes
His “vampire” never sleeps
Leather polterwangs hint
R-Pattz’s freak curls my toes
His “vampire” never sleeps
haikus are nonsense
this outfit is nonsense too
vampire toe leather
Leather pants, so tight
But my vampire likes leather
And so do my toes
Can we have more than 1 entry? Well, at the risk of disqualifying myself, here we go:
Leathered foot, why so
forlorn? Cloaked in darkness but
for your vampire toes.
Vampire’s Smiles:
Those toes thrust from leather lips,
Mouths of blood-tipped teeth.
Morose vampire girl
Toes snacking-accessible
Leather shoe-pants suck
in vampire leather,
your pedicure is twilight -
dark falls on your toes
A vampire empire
Brought low by toes that peep through
Leather, bright as sun
Leather pant-shoes show
My dainty crimson-tipped toes.
Feast on me, vampire!
Toes must breath freely
While leather strangles my legs
It’s the vampire way
Floral top, leather
bottoms, bare toes. Who dresses
in the dark? Vampires.
Balenciaga
vampire, leather, and toes, but
Where’s Lady Gaga?
Lady G’s no vampire
but she wears leather, has toes,
and sews pants to shoes
You’d think she’d be there
Toes at Balenciaga
in leather vamp drag
Oh well, Kristen S
I guess you’ll have to impress
with Vampy Leath’ Toes
So it goes
Leather with peep toe?
Ample vampire ponders
with Spanx they might work
flesh is his diet
but you want to stay intact
leather compromise
Vampire protection
Armor of silk and leather
Showing toes? Worth death.
Leather encased toes
A vampire takes notice
Edward’s nose wrinkles
Random toes peek out
Vampire with leather skin
We know your secret.
unless your vampire
likes badly fitting leather
he won’t suck your toes
It’s spring! Says the top.
Vampire smiles. But toes – ESCAPE!
Smiling leather tubes.
kinky vampire rule:
expose your toes as yummy
leather-clad morsels
Pale vampire maiden
leather scuba pants won’t work
with peep-toes: leakage
Chaste Bella on top
Ed’s leather clad wife below
Vampire chic her toes
Okay so my first entry I did without reading anyone else’s, but this one was inspired by some of the funnier seasonal entries. I love these contests!
Springtime for Vampires.
Leather? Check. Flowers? Check. WAIT-
Keep Them Toes Exposed!
My god Fug Nation is AMAZING!
Leather pants ain’t cool
When they droop in the crouch, feh!
Yum vampire toes
Oh hells bells, I wrote crouch instead of crotch!! What the hell is a crouch??
Leather pants ain’t cool
When they droop in the crotch, feh!
Yum vampire toes
Leather-dipped K.Stew
Has Achilles’ toes in front
Poor mortal vampire
What happens when a
Vampire is dipped in leather
Right up to her toes?
You’re thinking leather,
vampires, and toes. I’m thinking
I’m Sandy from Grease.
Vampires do yoga
In toeless leather leggings
For quick getaway
“Ill-Advised”
You may take my toes,
But you’ll ne’er take my leathers!
Suck it, Vampire.
To avoid sparkle
Leather vampire legs needed
Breaking Dawn: Part toe.
Ironic vampire
Toes sticking out of bovine
Kill her, make leather
Blood-tipped piggies peek
From sausage leather casings
Suckling vampire toes
Her red toes a-fire
bat leather-skinned legs vam-pired
She’s Bella inpired.
Oops! left out an ‘s’
Her red toes a-fire
bat leather-skinned legs vam-pired
She’s Bella inspired.
Holy water? No:
Sweat! Drips down leather, hits toes
and vampire-proofs them.
Mirror, who’s fairest?
My leather-clad vampire toes?
We’ll have to assume.
Stewed in leather clothes
Ne’er would a starved vampire
Gnaw on Kristen’s toes
(Disqualified by location, but would like to share.)
The red vampire toes?
The fugly leather shoe-pants?
This needs stake through heart
Those leather pants-shoes
Make your thighs say, “vampire”, but,
Your toes, “Jar jar Binks”
These leather shoe-pants,
Are great for us vampires,
But don’t burn your toes!
Fear foot-fond vampire
Leather chastity shoe-pants
Protect not your toes
Ha! I swear I did not read any of the comments before posting “shoe-pants.” Great minds, huh?
Red open toes yes!
But K-Stew are those leather
Pants or boots or What?
my vampire days past,
leather peep-toes ask to be
cast in hunger games
Silly, Vampire!
Wearing leather pants sans toes
Is for Karl L.!
Beautiful face but
Girl’s got vampire leather toes
That’s a dealbreaker
Vampires: the undead.
Forced to wear leather toe sleeves,
They’d wish they could die.
Vampires can’t bite
Through leather, but watch out for
Those foot fetishes.
Bella’s got leath-ings
Edward glitters with delight
Twi-hard sigh with joy
Re-read the rules — new haiku
All leather, red toes
Makes Ed a happy vampire
Twi-hards swoon blood love
Fashion smashion, ha!
Red toe vampires leather bound
It ain’t a good look….
Leath-ings show red toe
Vampires need to see some skin
Ed needs more than nails
Leather pantashoes:
worn so vampire boyfriends
can nibble your toes.
JLo once told me
Vampires will ignore toes
If leather is near.
[I'm Canadian so I'm playing for participation marks only]
Is this fetish gear?
Or Vampire leather day wear?
Her toes don’t sparkle.
Leather feety pjs
smirking leather clad vampire
so cold my toes
Tiny pants-vampires
can bite ankles but not toes
from leather cocoon
Vampire hunting pants
Toes can’t handle the leather
People still tuck in?
Vampire. Leather. Toes.
K Stew fills requirements.
Just barely. Again.
OR
K Stew’s leatherless
Toes bleed, drawing vampire eyes.
“Please, kill me again.”
I don’t meet the residency requirement either, but here you go:
Only expression:
Open toes and vampire love
leather explosions!
Full length leather spanks
Attracts vampires and big wolves
Or is it the toes?
Forks leading fashion:
Vampires love leather onesies
Wolves love open toes.
Jacob likes leather
Edward loves manicured toes.
Kristen, learn to act.
Vampire kryptonite:
ankles. Cover in leather
But let toes be free.
Lime green stripe leads to
Vampire leather bondage and
naked painted toes.
Leather scuba gear
and open toes will not help
fight evil vampires.
Slowly, my body
morphs into soft black leather:
blouse next and toes last.
Oh noes! Bella’s toes!
Vampire Nation’s sad to see
Leather in Paris
It’s vampire bedhead.
Ten toes all went to Paris
and said, “screw leather.”
The French vampires gaze
At zee leatherless toes and
ponder lost earring
(Insomnia is a bitch folks)
Fashion vampire fail:
floral meets leather meets toes?
Go back to LA.
Leather camel toe
Matches indifferent smirk
Vampire style is dead!
She will never get mistaken for someone with good breeding.
Vampires love leather.
And toes! (Human AND camel.)
This? Vamp heroin.
*not American, I just like counting syllables.
Hear ye, vampire Pattz
No leather on blood-red toes
Is my mating call
Bloodless pale toes peek
From endless leather leggings
Vampire needs new shoes.
I accidently left out the comma between bloodless and pale. It should read:
Bloodless, pale toes peek
From endless leather leggings.
Vampire needs new shoes.
Girl, where are your shoes?
Vampires in leather? Sexy.
Why emphasize toes?
They come with peep toes
These shiny black leather pants -
What vampire needs socks?
I just have to say that I love her shirt, but I don’t get why she’s only wearing one earring! And, I can see a little bit of her left heel, so both her toes and heels are exposed… Weird shoes!!!
it’s not an earring,
it’s the sun coming through
her stringy extensions.