FRIDAY AGAIN. I swear, every week I am thrilled and surprised anew that I made it through. And to celebrate, another Freaky Fug Friday contest. This photo seems…festive, no?
THE FUGEE: Pamela Anderson
THE DETAILS: Here,
Pammy is appearing in the pantomime of Aladdin, as the genie. I assume this particular genie ensemble is at least in part an homage to her Baywatch costume.
THE CHALLENGE:
This week, please write a rhyming couplet to accompany the above photo. A rhyming couplet is, as it sounds, two lines which rhyme and make a complete, snappy little thought. One of the best examples is by Alexander Pope:
- “True wit is nature to advantage dressed
- What oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d”
THE RULES:
All
entries must be posted in the comments section of this entry — not
e-mailed — by 10 p.m. Sunday night. From there, we’ll choose a small
selection of favorites, and y’all will vote to choose the winner. GET RHYMING!
Comments (318):
A few choices for you:
ONE:
For Pam, sexy’s not leather nor is it lace.
It’s hooker heels and case of drunkface.
TWO:
She’s wrapped in a table cloth, wearing no pants.
Teaching us all to do the chicken dance.
THREE:
Momsens’ favorite thigh-highs with GaGa’s funny hat.
With Tyra’s choice in swimwear, there’s something wrong with that.
A few choices for you:
ONE:
For Pam, sexy’s not leather nor is it lace.
It’s hooker heels and case of drunkface.
TWO:
She’s wrapped in a table cloth, wearing no pants.
Teaching us all to do the chicken dance.
THREE:
Momsens’ favorite thigh-highs with GaGa’s funny hat.
With Tyra’s choice in swimwear, there’s something wrong with that.
Tis often thought, though rarely mentioned:
Results defeat the well(?) intentioned.
In “Rode Hard” regalia she is magisterial
If you happen to touch her use some antibacterial
Pantomime or not, this holiday farce has no need
To don so tragic an outfit as to make our hearts bleed.
#1
It is not often you see a platinum tressed genie escape,
Less so clad in thigh highs, neoprene, and a sheer paisley cape
#2
Her stylist must have absconded from a smoky, pipe stoked dream,
For that ensemble would surely cause Stevie Wonder to scream
#3
Her feet were shod in horrendous lame` laced with care,
Her body barely clad, some red crap in her hair
In “Rode Hard” regalia she is magisterial
If you happen to touch her use some antibacterial
The tights and leotards are just a nod to the weather–
My original outfit was just the hat like a feather.
one:
I simply cannot ignore such hotmessitude
Despite the theater’s demands for verisimilitude
two:
I understand the need to suspend disbelief
But I can’t get past the red onesie titty-vag sheath
Red lips on her head suggest red lips below
This is dress for success for ho’s who need blow.
With polka-dot legs and a paisley cape
Pammy’s no genie, she’s a ‘ho-tastic jape
When the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips spit you out,
Micheal Rennie was ill and Dr. X has the gout.
Red’s Pammie’s color, or at least used to be.
Now it serves us as a signal to flee.
This appeared when I rubbed the lamp?
I wanted a genie, not a tramp.
One:
‘Though genies often live in bottles,
Pam’s appears to have made her blotto.
Two:
With three wishes, from genie you are blessed
I’d use them all to clean up this hot mess.
1.
It’s hard to be shocked, I guess I’m cynical.
Sad to say Baywatch was her career pinnacle.
2.
Can’t figure out, she’s all covered in spots.
And a big spotlight to highlight her crotch.
3.
Slutty nursing home couture
Is Pam’s costume du jour.
4.
Nothing for which she could really brag here.
What’s that on her head? An ode to Mick Jagger?
Quote would be from A. Pope, FYI.
Waking still drunk in a swimsuit brings sweet memories of past fame,
On stage with trashy stripper gear yields nothing but shame!
OR
Oh Pamela genie, you need a wish granted for your style,
No one will rub you when you are so in denial!
What yonder prank is folly?
A female “kiss head” posed as man-legged dolly.
When taken aback at a holiday show,
Aghast Santa exclaimed “Ho Ho….Ho?”
Behold the devil’s wicked tail upon her silicone mound,
’tis the beshawled spawn of Lucifer and dalmation hound!
While on Baywatch Pam’s sex appeal was uncanny,
But this evokes naught but inappropriate granny.
It’s not so much mutton dressed as lamb
as old stringy chicken now, poor Pam.
A deranged horny granny in Rue Paul’s leotard?
What Pam needs for Christmas is a fashion lifeguard.
Pammie here is in quite a state of undress,
matched only by that get-ups distress
A fan of method acting, its virtues she extols.
Alas, she’s C.J. Parker in every of her roles.
guess living inside a tiny lamp
gave Pammy here a muscle cramp
Knock kneed and stuffed into a red rubber bag
Pam gives us all a new definition of hag
A kiss alights her dainty crown.
Her face sugggest Argh! Blow the man down.
The sluttiest genie I ever did see,
was the lady in red who was once Pamela Lee.
Resembling nothing so much as an holiday-themed Bic on a bender,
Mrs. Anderson Lee Ritchie Solomon you are a fugger’s delight yet a disappointment to your gender.
From the fug Baywatch star of yore was thee Pamela
remains the red bathing suit of nostalgia, whilst wishing she was Lady Gaga.
Nothing inspires the snarkety bard
Like Pamela tricked out and trying too hard.
Although Pam may lack class in squillions,
At least this outfit ain’t on Robin Williams.
Whether concussed, flat stoned, or drunk on Scotch,
this flotsam fronts a Bay I would not Watch.
The means, it is said, justifies all the ends
But, Pam, you’re not sexy when wearing Depends
OF COURSE it’s Pope — Butler felt wrong when I wrote it and yet I didn’t double-check. Thank you for the poetical corrections and please don’t tell my English 10A professor.
CARRY ON!
Oh Yuletide Pammy – the reindeer you’re representin’
There’s “Don-ner,” Vixen, red Rudolph, and of course “Blitz-en.”
I hope you don’t mind the off color lingo
But is that a pee spot atop your bajingo?
Rub my lamp and I’ll appear,
in my Fugly Festive Gear.
In torn tights and lopsided chest,
I’m scaring the kids so I’ll give it a rest.
Released from a dumpster, not a well-rubbed lamp,
This past-sale-date “lady” is merely a tramp.
1.
As a scary genie, I think I ought’ll
Get myself stuffed back in that bottle!
2.
Despite granny tights and granny heels,
You’re only as old as your saline feels.
Ripped stockings, fugly shoes, and a Baywatch suit oh my!
All I can say is her costume designer was high!
oh what fine sir did not you intend
to pay good money to watch me pee my depend(s)?
“Oh Pamela, with candy apple lips gently kissing thy head
Perhaps, gentle they were not, as you now appear brain dead”
I was feeling full of holiday spirit…or spirits at least
#1:
Now tight with the likes of elves and reindeer like Prancer
Only Santa knows his bride’s past as a dancer
#2
There were never pictures on Christmas morn
Lest everyone know Granny used to be in porn
#3 (and my fave)
Only a bimbo this iconic
could make “Ho Ho Ho” seem so ironic
Polka dot skin looks like an infestation.
And you can’t cure it with an outfit that screams of desperation.
Twas the night before Christmas and Pammie thought, I know!
Since I can’t afford the Santa suit, I’ll come as his ho!
Pammy takes on pantomime full throttle.
Someone, please, return this genie to her bottle.
The career of fair Pam is not yet quite finished
Tho hurried along by assts diminished
I shudder and my eyes doth burn
Holes aplenty, stem to stern
Pammy A was desirous of making a statement,
By mimicking a drunken stripper granny with her assorted raiment.
correction:
The career of fair Pam is not quite yet finished
Tho hurried along by assets diminished
Behind a swimsuit, a red swirl of vertigo
Hides for the genie her case of vitiligo
Bad face, bad shoes, bad boobs, bad tights.
Pammy is causing us all sleepless nights.
Famous in the 90′s, dammit, see?
You’ll never, ever have a friend like me.
Hey kid, Aladdin, rub my lamps! Enjoy
What spews out of my spout, you lucky boy.
#1
Long after the kiddies have been tucked into bed
The parents will remember Pam’s at terror watch red.
#2
Inflating, botoxing and bleached up galore,
Poor Pammy looks like nothing so much as a washed up Ho Whore.
#3
I made a wish and rubbed the lamp
But I sure wish it come with pants
“Fashion as art” can be fascinating and fun:
For someone like SWINTON. But it’s silly and sad if you’re Pam Anderson.
While those shoes may not permit grace
Dear Pam, what’s with the constipated face?
Breasts bit by serpent and squeezed by maillot,
Pam’s face shows resentment of the costumer’s plot.
5.
She threw on her shawl, ran out in a rush.
Least of her worries, she forgot her hair brush.
6.
A kiss on her head from lips disembodied,
The cautionary tale of a former Baywatch hottie.
7.
To achieve this hair, I just used a blender.
For I meant to look like I’ve been on a bender.
8.
Drowning in bad fashion, Pam you’re a sight.
Not even Mitch could save you from this fashion blight.
Christmas is no time to tear Pammy to pieces.
(But look, there are shepherds abiding in the creases.)
She’s a genie in a bottle
Nasty platforms make her waddle
She’ll grant your wish with great finesse
Whilst looking the hot tranny mess
Paisley, spandex, a be-dazzled snake
An image I will be unable to shake.
I loved your article! I think you and your readers might be interested in another article I found, about beauty and dry eyes.
http://whatistheeye.wordpress.com/
Though covering her bosom was thoughtful and judicious,
Too bad that pants were not among Aladdin’s wishes.
Decked out in satin, her hose at half-mast
Pam models the Spirit of Lingerie Past.
Option 1:
This Baywatch babe is looking a little rough.
Pam, at your age, when will enough be enough?
Option 2:
Hey, Pam? You’re forty-two.
Listen, hot mess, you’re lookin a fool.
Santa says:
“Now boys and girls, file this tale on the cautionary shelf,
Look what sex, drugs and rock n’ roll have done to my elf!”
I thought that I had seen all, but
She’s found new ways to look the slut.
Most strippers take retirement rest-
Pam forges on in festive best!
1. Drugged up Pam is starting to look like a Tranny,
Please return the robe you stole from my Granny.
2. Dear Baywatchee, whats with the bad tan?
And is that thing on your head there to open a can?
3. Why yes I am a big hot mess.
With what’s left of my brain whould you expect any less?
Made up and dressed up, tricked out like a vamp – how soon can we get her back in the lamp?
The root of this crazy I cannot begin to trace,
For I keep getting distracted wondering what is that on her face?
“When recessions hit genies, resign to consign:
She asked for some pants, so I had to give mine”
I confess, I would be angry too
If attacked by the shower curtain err I could shampoo!
Red unitard & tights with a face that looks 63…
“Bet you ain’t never had a friend like me!”
Poinsettia may not be toxic to your cat,
Still, I’d advise against munching on that.
Revised:
Poinsettia may not be toxic to your cat,
Still, I’d advise against nibbling on that.
No, that’s not a sheep with a polychrome fleece – it’s Pam, on the run from the fashion police
Lips doth hover above her head,
as if to sweetly whisper, “Hey Pammy, thy looketh half dead”
or
Moldy thigh highs, sad spandex, and a bed skirt
Looks like Malibu Granny Barbie is hankerin’ for a flirt
“When recessions hit genies, resign to consign:
She wished for some pants, so I had to give mine”
(minor correction/not double entry)
My dearest darling Pam, so scantily clad yet again…
It doth grow tiresome, your nearly revealing where Tommy and Kid have been.
Oh genie! Of the proffered three wishes I only need one,
Please let Pammy’s reign of sartorial terror be done!
If this genie has a wish for everyone,
Mine is simple – “Begone, Pam Anderson!”
I posted earlier, but it seems the consensus is that the bejeweled configuration on her chest is a snake. I saw a tail at first. In any case, I a submitting this couplet in the alternative:
Behold the devil’s serpent upon her silicone mound,
’tis the beshawled spawn of Lucifer and dalmation hound!
Start dressing your age, half naked Pam,
For you’re starting to look like 8 day old ham.
or
If I saw this genie, my heart would stop,
Put it back in the bottle, and cork up the top!
or
Believe it or not, there is an age,
When boobs and vag should go in a cage.
The magic of Genies simply cannot
erase from my view this fugly harlot.
Desperation for relevance seen from afar
Nothing quite so sad as an imploding star
While I see Pam’s “glamour” as unseemly & deplorable,
In her delusion she’s kittenish & adorable.
Mere spots of light or a flesh-eating disease?
Pam will not be dissuaded from her Arabian striptease.
1)At first she was discovered on a football big screenie,
Now Pammy’s a paisley-clad, lip-headed genie!
2)Lips on her head, a hand on each hip,
Looks like the result of a bad acid trip!
What, you have a problem with the serpent across my jugs?
You should really just be thankful I got rid of the Uggs.
1)At first she was discovered on a football big screenie,
Now Pammy’s a paisley-clad, lip-headed genie
2) Lips on her head, a hand on each hip,
Pam looks like the result of a bad acid trip!
Those are not dots, they are the result of the light,
Wish the rest of the get up was less of a fright!
When the bottle produces an aged blonde genie
Best make your first wish a martini!
I’m glad to only view lips on top her head.
I feared we’d be seeing the other lips instead.
Over Pamela’s disheveled hair the disembodied lips loom
Apt as she’s dressed like she’s fallen down and gone boom.
You’d think that Pammi, with all her cash
Would dress so she doesn’t look like trash
When the genie is pantless with lips on her head
My advice is to cork it and drink wine instead.
Red-lipped hat and stripper heels may no scream “Seasons Greetings”
Unless it’s the Grinch who Fugged Christmas you are meeting.
Ahh Pam, I applaud you for trying…
But “washed up genie” I am not buying…
First Xtina, now Pammy as the new genie model?
Somewhere Barbara Eden revisits the bottle.
Pam’s Baywatch heyday we’ll not soon forget,
Though she looks rode hard, and put away wet.
We’re now at the point in dear Pammy’s career
Where you can’t tell what’s worse: the front, or the rear?
Holy crap!
A red dress’d sap.
Genie of the Lamp
you look like a tramp!
Lips, paisley’s and off set head jewels
tyring to play a genie, but we are no fools.
Pammy, you’re 43, you need a hug
becuase what you are wearing is a big fat FUG!
What ill-clad ghost, upon the darkened stage,
Disdains the dress-sense common to her age?
‘Tis Pam! – her golden tresses mussed
And on disply (as ever) is her bust.
Oh, ever beauteous, tell me (as you prance),
Is it, in heav’n, a crime to wear some pants?
And let me disabuse you, dear: the lips?
Do not distract from those still vis’ble nips.
Oh God! All England blushes bright for shame,
That Pammy now is classed a Panto Dame.
(With a grateful nod to Mr Pope…)
The lamp being rubbed was older than thought
And out popped a genie whose mess was red hot.
Thigh-highs and a cape
Do not a genie make.
You styled your hair with cokehead snot
Your hat does not help, Miss Gaga you are not.
The crotchtacular antics of Pam make me shudder;
Clearly its time, my dear, to cover your udder.
Pamela Anderson, for crying out loud
You look like the genie who wants to get plowed.
As gentile as the kiss placed upon your head
Grant me one wish genie and go back to bed.
Better dead than red was often said,
But Pam looks both, plus wicked bed head.
London tabs raced, no galloped, no, trotted
to finally print the line “Pam Anderson – SPOTTED.”
Pam started out a Baywatch Doll
And now she looks La Cage Aux Folles
The Genie may be on to another of her rants
But a kiss on the head never ever makes up for pants
“What’s up bitches; you rubbed and the genie is here!
I think the crabs are contained, so do not fear.”
I’m in the mood to help you dude,
Your act and look have come unglued.
Pam, you may have been cast as a genie
but your lack of pants does not arouse my weenie.
Pam, your outfit is not whole
Not even Tiger Woods would putt that hole.
We all knew that granny’s wits were starting to go,
when she showed up dressed like a hooker for the annual Church variety show.
A pair of my paltry paeans to Pam
1) Why must you snipe, you nasty prudes?
At least she’s finally caged her boobs.
2) The hair, the painted mouth, the shoes…
Bordello Barbie, is that you?
It seems likely Pat Field slipped Pammy some booze,
To convince her to don that “hat” and those shoes.
or
Latex and garters and D-cups, oh my!
Plus a hot oil hair treatment that was set to “deep-fry.”
or
I’m not a pervert, but I can’t help but stare,
and thank the Festivus spirit for the makers of Nair®.
Three wishes, you say? I know where to begin
Some pants for a start, cos that’s way too much skin.
In her spandex and stockings Pam thought she was flaunting
But in the minds of those children that image was haunting
Known for her love of showing skin was the genie
I’m surprised she’s not wearing her fishnet bikini
“You changed the theme from Tarts and Vicars?
Last to know AGAIN! It figures.”
A kiss on the head may be quite continental
But that head (oh, that snake! oh, those shoes!) must be mental
Your normal garb for a child’s play is rude,
But compared to this I might prefer you nude.
1. A vision, swathed by shawl and packed into latex
of a hungover, irascible dominatrix
2. She’s a lifeguard! A harlot! A crone! No…a genie!
She’s hard to distinguish from a drag queenie
3. A pall fell o’er the Christmas season
at the sight of Mrs. Claus with no pants and no reason
A story Aladdin would never have told
Was that of an over-the-hill centerfold.
With my vag on my head and pet jellyfish on sleeve
Burton’s Alice in Wonderland extra, don’t you agree?
Whilst in such a hurry to exit her lamp
Pam seemed to forget she was dressed like a tramp.
A genie, you say? Oh, mine eyes are bombarded.
This bombshell’s a dud. Honey, you’re unitarded.
She’s clearly a fan of kimonos, kimchee and breasts made in china,
But Is that a fishtail hanging from Pam’s vagina?
A truck drove through my thighs, then hit me in the face
I hope someone got its number, because it left more than a trace.
Ye magical Baywatch star hides in Granny’s shawl
Red kissed head and purpled strip-shoes lift her above all.
Though Pam’s kootchie show may cause me dread
Can’t help but giggle at the mic taped to her head!
Pam in a panto? Oh please, please, may I go?
Not often you see a stripper with vitiligo.
One cannot fathom what wishes this genie grants;
One would wish, only, that she’d look into pants.
No photo has ever quite made my head tilt,
So much as this one of a playmate in quilt.
And:
Unfortunate mess, crazed Pamela has chosen,
But I see the future; Beware, Taylor Momsen!
This crazy wackdoodle ensemble of Pam
is simply more mutton dressed as lamb
To clarify:
Resembling nothing so much as an holiday-themed Bic lighter on a bender,
Mrs. Anderson Lee Ritchie Solomon you are a fugger’s delight yet a disappointment to your gender.
1.
“Hey, saloon barkeep! Where’s my scotch?!?
It controls the stinging in my crotch.”
2.
Pam has some blotching on her hose
But it’s gotta be worse up her nose
3.
It’s not necessary to wear any drawers
When you’re dressed as an Old French Whore
4. “Do these curtains make my ass look fat?
I shall deflect with a stupid hat.”
I knew what this was as soon as I saw the photo! It was one of three pantomimes I recommended to a travel client whose family’s trip to London I was finalizing a few weeks ago. They made the right choice in taking tickets for a different Aladdin pantomime at the historic Hackney Empire instead (although this one features the great Brian Blessed in addition to lil’ Pam).
Anyway:
Whither thou goest, fair mistress of camp,
Uncountable gentlemen rub gleefully thy lamp.
or
A new genie graces our panto tradition
with much larger ornaments than bygone editions.
Oh how the mighty Pam has fallen so low, low, low.
First her face, then her breasts and, wait – Is that a camel toe?
T’was the night before Christmas and with lips on her head
A sad crazy lady whose careers’ gone to bed
In pleather, thigh highs and lips on her coif
This Genie’s dreamin’ she pulled this look off.
Pam may be used to donning bikinis,
But here, methinks, she needs a jean genie!
A silicone bosom, synthetic long hair — provided without hesitation!
But when she requested big red plastic lips, there was a miscommunication.
A few gems:
1. A night on the town leads to this
nappy hair topped with Mick Jagger’s lips?
2. Grammy’s tablecloth makes a lovely shawl
Wet Seal shoes from down at the mall
3. The red swimsuit was bedazzled with care
A comb never doth enter this hair
4. The ‘Fit is fug perfection down to a tee
Pammy knows her coutoure, can’t you see?
One can’t help but think it’s very unseemly
For the children of Britain to be exposed to that Genie.
Rat nest, old robe, thigh highs, stripper shoe,
Oh poor Pammie, you a foo!
Why must you tart up the genie by dressing a tramp?
Oh Pammy, we beg you, go back into your lamp!
with stockings stuffed and ‘golden’ tinsel angel-kissed
the elves’ gift to santa has mrs. claus mighty pissed
Baywatch Alladin? Pammy, say it ain’t so
Please put on some pants! Ho ho ho
Pam, you’ve seared my poor eyes with merely one glance,
Please, rub your lamp once again and wish for some pants.
Out onto the stage Pam carefully pranced
Dressed to perform her drunk chicken dance
A fanciful hat, a bathrobe and pleather,
It works for the season AND for the weather!
or
The polka-dot tights, the hair and the shoes,
each the epitome of class, too many to choose!
or
Are those gloves that I spy, Pammie’s hands on her hips?
Sweetie, don’t ask Lady Gaga for Fashion Tips
or
I envy that snake, as he slithers ’bout Pam’s chest,
It’s not every reptile that get’s a shiny red nest
or
Babe, I must say, for your age you look great,
But the purple platforms phase you’ve arrived at a tad late
or
There is nothing better to ring in the holiday season,
Then a wack-job in an outfit with no rhyme or reason
I could pretty much go on like this all day. This is amazing.
#1
So rarely do such grace and beauty meet
To make all other females obselete
#2
Oh sparkly onesie made of shame and scorn
You should be burned or hidden, never worn…..
#3
The wiry minx adopts a sexy squat
Yet all her subtle gestures are for nought….
The genie has escaped from her lamp by some sort of magic,
Please wish her back in, for that outfit is tragic!
Tho somebody told her this pose is quite hot
It just looks like Pammy is popping a squat.
If you mix Pamela Anderson with Blanche Devereux,
unfortunately, you will get a case of vitiligo.
To call pam a cougar is putting it lightly;
More a toothless old lioness wrapped up too tightly;
In red spandex unitard draped impolitely;
The genies I know never looked so unsightly!
Genie is stuck ‘twixt the rock and the hard-
The brain in her head and the boobs in her ‘tard.
Though I never loved the hard knockers life or were much of a Pammie-fan.
The sun has come out and I do applaud her new found career as Miss Hannigan.
It seems that fug has poor Pammy entranced.
Let’s hope someone wishes for her to get pants.
In pink cloven hooves and a red spandex suit,
Pam reclaims her title: “minx of ill-reupte”
“At last!” thought old Pam as she lurched round the stage,
“Just try to get this cougar back in her cage!”
Never, perhaps, has it been more truly said:
Malibu Stacy needs a replacement head.
A red swimsuit on Baywatch when young and alluring,
Doesn’t work so well when one is maturing
Disney is fretting to change out this hot mess.
They’d rather have Miss Piggyness.
The audience was puzzled when Pam removed her harem pants;
It soon became clear she was performing a stripper dance.
The children were scarred for life; that night in bed
vivid nightmares of Pammy’s dance replayed in their heads.
Pammy simply forgot to change before the play;
This is what she wears every day….
If her mouth-hat could talk, I’m sure it would rant,
“Nice try with the cape, but you’re still not in pants.”
or:
It’s ‘I dream of genie’ on uppers, you scoff!
That’s what you get when you Hassel the Hoff.
And to think I thought that it was scary,
When those lips were kissing Katy Perry.
“No doubt I’m lookin’ smokin’ red hot!”
“Not so, you crack-whore…and don’t you DARE squat!
Pam says “I refuse to wear pants, like Lady Gaga and others”
God bless their poor little hearts, and their shocked mothers.
Lo, the midnight hour has come at last -
Why, tis the Ghost of Gruesome Christmas Past!
Oh Genie, I’d like to use all my three wishes
To grant Pam a new wardrobe, complete with some britches
I wish I had been there to see the expressions on peoples’ faces the day
that Pammy appeared as a genie in her bad granny lingerie.
I’m glad that Pam’s working, you get the idea.
But I think that her bathrobe’s a drape from IKEA.
I wish I had been there to see the expressions on people’s faces the day
that Pammy appeared as a genie in her bad granny lingerie.
(Crap. Misplaced apostrophe.)
Good for old trashy fuggy Pammy
Made up like a hooker’s working mammy.
Watch out, Aladdin, you sad sap –
Rub this genie and she’ll give you the clap.
Kissed by an angel, wrapped in red latex, with stockings and hooker shoes
There’s nought like a christmas stripper to chase away those holiday blues
A childhood treasure, a befugged star,
You’ll howl and you’ll bay, watch from Jafar!
A fuddled bumpkin all pleathered aglow,
Left poor Jasmine in the undertoe!
I don’t believe she’s in the cast–I swear, she’s some interloper.
Aladdin’s genie does not look like a deranged Mrs. Roper!
“Pants in a Panto? I don’t think I’m gonna;
In this little outfit I upstage Madonna.”
“Pants in a Panto? I don’t think I’m gonna;
In this little outfit I upstage Madonna.”
Oops, posted that anon by accident.
A minute penis lies bound in perilous near reach of large vermilion lips,
It’s only protection an volatile force field of deep fried flaxen tips
Scarlet, synthetic woman with a past of ill repute,
The forked tongue on your bosom will do naught to dispute
Bosom snakes will crawl and slither,
Leaving glistening tracks yon and hither
If you were Pam you might commit to scarlet,
But would you go the full nine yards to harlot?
Feeling poetic, so excuse my taking the liberty:
On a moonless night’s long ago past misgivings,
a man rubbed a lamp, in search of forgiving
Three wishes to burn away an errant transgression
The resulting smoke revealed a harrowing progression
First his eyes turned upon tresses of spun gold
Turned, then burned, as the enchantress did unfold:
A former nymphet, who swam strong by the sea
Now bottled in vinegar, with the essence of a surgery
“Three wishes are yours, young man who enabled my release”
He replied, “I wish only to call out the fashion police”
For crimes of a heinous nature had been committed and not by the lummox,
Who refused to wish twice, nor thrice, and appeared quite flummoxed
The genie returned to her bottle in full fledged huff
Disappearing in a cloud of a noxious chemical puff
And that is the story of an ingénue confined to an earlier age,
Until heavily scripted bottles were no longer her only cage
She sits in her bottle; a miniature harem
And waits for the next, to visually impair them
For her one wish had never come true
To turn back the clock until 25 stuck like glue
It wasn’t her age that worried others, her disposition, or her power
It was her scanty, scarlet wardrobe that caused them to cower
Surely not a genie, but an aging dancer
At a festive strip-show extravaganza
Old-angry -washed up from baywatch fame,
On stage – fake boobs and camel toe maim.
I just can’t unsee
this outfit so tawdry and untwee.
OR
Heaven forbid a lady should learn,
publicly wearing outfits stretched so tight will cause your reputation to burn.
Pam’s given both pants and dignity a calamitous diss,
Even PETA would rather see her wear fur than wear this.
For never there was a tale of so much woe,
As that of Pammy and her camel toe.
A yard sale lamp,
Releases a disbarred vamp
For never there was a tale of so much woe,
As that of Pammy and her camel toe.
Oh why must you all stare at me
As though I must have leprosy?
When face, hair, and body all are fake,
What’s left to say, but O!, for fug’s sake!
The red suit, I’ll admit, does give me the willies.
That thing on your head, dear, belongs back at Chili’s.
“You laugh with such jest at my red rubber suit,
but you’re poor, tired, and ugly – I’m loaded with loot.”
Knock, knock; who’s there?
Saggy old hag, her dignity threadbare.
OR
Pam should have said, “No thanks!”
Not even she can pull this off without Spanx.
Hark the herald Fug Girls say – ‘don’t be mutton dressed as lamb’
Making Miss Blake L look modest means it’s time to put more fleece on, Pam…
What the Eff is that?
Makes me wanna barf in my hat.
Have a lovely weekend ladies!
Ladies, I LOVE these weekly contests, even though this is the first I am entering. Furthermore, LOVE you both and your unwavering wit. Lots of love around here.
First attempt:
With a pepper on her head and tights to her thighs
Pam’s adult dressing decision is hurting my eyes.
Better attempt:
The fame bell rings to warn when to let it be
Make no mistake, Pam – it tolls for thee.
Thank you, girls! Happy holidays to you!
Ruffly-Granny-Lifeguard yells, “Get off my beach!”
One sees that her sanity is clean out of reach.
Genie, I’m seeing spots before my eyes!
Yeah, and with two more wishes, you’ll get the whole surpise!
The problems I have with this pic are twofold,
This makes her look sleazy, and she’s clearly too old!
You see, 15 years later I fit into this costume still,
Now where the hell did I put my Vagistill
Ah, Christmastide! Ah, magic! The young ones’ eyes are round with wonder.
Aladdin’s genie…Pammie? Did a drag queen steal your thunder?
You see, 15 years later I fit into this costume still,
Now where the hell did I put my Vagistill
In the eighties a red-suited Pam could turn heads
In 2010 the same outfit fills us with dread.
Thanks to Linds I dont have to worry about tomorrow, La Chapelle’s coming over to shoot my new look for Ungaro
Option A:
I squat as though prepared to pee
From lips on my head, can you hear me?
Option B:
Wobbly on my tacky purple heels
Pre-show drinking makes me look as good as I feel
Option C:
My hair is mussed, my face is sliding
Under red plastic costume my flask is hiding
THought of one more:
Forgot to remove her backstage wrap
Costume so tight it might give her the clap
Tommy and Bob know it’s not too soon
To feel relief at ditching this panto-loon.
spots snake & tablecloth
all evoke a giant moth
{sorry}
Pam: “Behold, grandma’s shawl conceals a genie of the sexiest sort!”
Lips: “Pssst, Pam, your orthopedic platforms and back-brace betray you, abort abort!
Not a one in the audience thought ‘Ooh-la-la’
By now we’re all tired of Pammy’s who-ha
Now what cruel soul, and in what manner
Slipped polka dots in Pam’s self-tanner?
Pam works quite hard to show her stuff
But gravity has done enough.
In Canada’s color she makes Mounties ask,
“Before you come home please put on some pants.”
The bathing suit, red lips, and thighs
Make Lady Gaga shield her eyes.
In Canada’s color she makes Mounties incant,
“Before you come home please put on some pants.”
1. My Christmas Condom line’s off like a shot!
(Don’t make that face. My upper thighs got hot.)
2. A lampshade and some sneakers, decoupaged,
demand a swift sartorial triage.
Oh, Pamela! You resemble a tranny in heat.
How you stand with those tits is an acrobatic feat!
Genie spat from sartorial poison bottle most foul,
More apt attire: Death’s flowing robe- replete with cowl!
Oh Pammy, my dear, you really are mental!
Next time try pants: it’s less… elemental
Pam mused: “How to best acceserize my latex red?”
“Oh yes, with a hypodermic-needle stuck in my forehead!”
A kiss bestowed upon Pamela’s crown
turns my smile into a frown
Oh Pammy, we love you, despite fake lips on your head.
But you look so uncomfortable, like you’d rather be dead.
Pam looks less like a genie and more like another –
Which way to auditions for Gypsy Rose Lee’s mother?
Poor Aladdin had asked for a girl of perfection,
But deaf genie sent one with a raging infection.
1. Lips, spandex, all dressed in red
looks like Pamela just got out of bed.
2. From a young Aladdin fanatic:
Mommy! Mommy! Let’s go see Aladdin!
Oh my God this is not what I imagined.
3. Pamela is trying to work it like Rihanna.
Too bad she looks like she just got out a sauna.
Pamela’s opening lyrics in Aladdin:
Rub my lamp and I’ll give you three wishes
You’re prewarned though, it’s something that itches.
Poor ole Pamela, such a has-been
no wonder why Disney cast Jasmin
Normal folks wake from this dream drenched in cold sweat,
But Pam only wonders why she ain’t quite nude yet!
That gas lamp must have been full of it
to have passed Ms. Anderson in this outfit.
From oust the trailer park she came
A fashion victim with no shame
CJ the life preserver no more
Now just a common, um, eyesore
Looking like she was hit by a truck
Amazing ol’ Pammy can still make a buck
When the genie starts to dress like a whore,
It’s a good time to watch what you wish for.
“Yeah, this is what I’m wearing, bitches;
And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes.”
Bet you didn’t think when you rubbed that lamp,
that out would pop a trashily dressed vamp.
Title: A whole new fug!
Bedazzled singlet and paisley, lips atop are so crazy; what’s the worst? I can’t decide.
But from over here, its crystal clear, if she asks, decline her magic carpet ride!
Her stockings fled in fright
Screaming “this outfit’s just not right!”
Alas they had no place to go
Except from hooker-boot to cameltoe
Obscene genie, panties so teeny
Put lips atop her hair, looks like linguine
No pants in a pantomime
No reason, no rhyme
Red spandex and purple platforms make me blue
Polka dot lights, lips hat, thigh highs – ewww
Who wants to see Pam
Like this? Damn…
Children, of such fug genies beware
A pantsless ho with messy hair
Not a genie but a devil in disguise
fugging it up in spotty thigh highs
Taste is what this outfit lacks
Please, Pam, put on some slacks.
Why is Pammy’s suit fugly Baywatch red?
Next time ask for another color instead.
Do you really think Pam looks like Aladdin’s genie?
More like a stripper or a ho or something in between-y.
I applaud Pam’s anti-fur stance
But not her costume, which resembles underpants
Arms akimbo,
What a bimbo!
Pam thought “I wanted to show more skin.
What the hell am I on stage for again?”
It’s not mutton dressed as lamb
It’s Halloween Pam!
Purple paisley and platforms, crotch sheathed in rubbery red
Pam’s genie is fugly, it has to be said.
Tommy Lee’s ex
as a genie doth vex.
1)
Pam-you’re still sort of hot when your clothing is sparce,
but surely nothing’s worth playing this sad Baywatch farce.
2)
When you stomped onto stage, ‘stead of praising the skies
not a wish I did wish, ‘cept to cover my eyes!
3)
No offense, Pam, but a word to the wise:
most hot 40-somethings don’t go flashing their thighs.
4)
You stand there, asking me, “What’s your problem?”; well honey
I’m not the one looking like Mad Hatter’s Bunny.
#1
After seeing those orthopedic pink platform shoes,
I admonish you Pammy to cut out the booze!
#2
Is it the shoes or the robe that I most dread?
I actually think it’s the lips on her head.
#3
An ensemble this fug must be thrown on the fire
The one thing worse than this look? Easy… Barb Wire!
I have three wishes. I’m so happy I could dance!
I want world peace; a billion dollars; and for the genie, some pants!
LIPS OF RED ABOVE HER HEAD,
IN THIS GET-UP SHE’D BE BETTER OFF DEAD!
We get it, you’re not old and gray.
Now please Pammie, put it away!
Oft, hung o’er in red swimsuits she wakes,
Forgets her pants, and screams “I WANT PANCAKES!”
I’ve never met Pam Anderson, I don’t expect to meet her,
So may I implore some friends of hers to dress and style and feed her?
Hey! Ms Baywatch,
Though others may disagree, I do not wish to see…your crotch.
Donning Kate Perry’s hat, Pam is looking quite dashing,
And with Gaga’s vagina, this ensemble’s smashing
When pairing a housecoat with whore heels and tights,
Beware; to this outfit, Pam’s got legal rights.
Mark ye ladies while using filler,
Once a beach babe, now Phyllis Diller.
If trials come by error’s deeds then Alladin’s genie is charged thusly:
A thousand and one nights were spent in those tights, and damn, that hat is fugly.
Would be a shame to bemoan a woman, once fair,
Who is dressed in such vestments and a tongue in her hair!
I think that I shall never see,
A Pamela as trashy as this she.
And the lips whispered to her, as they floated there hovering:
“No, we swear, PETA doesn’t stand for ‘People Eschewing Total Asscovering.’”
after viewing this image of a wintery barbed wire,
i beg of you, please add to my scarred eyes some fire.
(no really; i am scarred for life)
And again shown here for all of our eyes
The same blonde, same suit, same wrinkly thighs.
How canst thou re-imagine Baywatch Swimsuit’s brilliant red?
A dose of vodka, Dolly Parton, and a vagina on thy head!
So many horrors in this grisly image dwell:
An aged drunken hooker visits us from hell.
So many horrors in this grisly image dwell:
An aged drunken hooker visits us from hell.
Slutty slutty slutty!
Nutty nutty nutty!
I think I’d prefer Katie “Jordan” Price
In a pink tutu with fuzzy dice
Upon her head a flame did dance
While it looked like something else was coming out of her pants!
Pray ruby lips that cough up Pam in fetid breath
Portend not impending doom cum fashion’s death
You used to be fine
Way back on Tool Time,
But now a drag queen you look like
Or a very skeevy dyke.
It’s hard to know which,
Go put some clothes on Bitch.
You boys are under duress
because mama is a hotmess, (NOT)
A Holiday sight,
Pam, that’s not right.
You are stringy and bony
like a piece of Rice ‘a Roni..
Your outfit screams like a comet
and makes me want to vomit.
My musings of this whore
have become quite a bore,
So I will take my leave
and go to the toilet and heave.
This crass old lass is quite a sight
To prostitute in broad daylight
Pleather bedazzling, dear Pammy, makes you look like a wornout loveseat chair;
Quick rule of thumb: Don’t go there if your outfit requires a bottle of Nair.
While ’tis said three wishes may be granted by an ageing genie,
Pray no one desires to see this one in a bikini.
Pam’s right breast is trying to flee the stage.
Who can blame it? This look’s an outrage.
Whilst dragon’s tongue protrudes from hair,
the body’s rest wishes it were bare.
Whilst dragon’s tongue protrudes from hair,
the body itself wishes it were bare.
Dear children do not rub that lamp
for the genie there may be this tramp.
A snake across the body does slither,
whilst delicate parts beneath it wither.
——————————————-
“Whilst” just seems to be the word for me today!
In the eighties a red-suited Pam could turn heads
But now the same outfit just fills us with dread.
A small Flame aloft screams “FIRE BELOW”
Wait a second! is that my grandmothers Throw?
i love you
your ideas are so different
check out my blog
http://unseenfashionaddicts.blogspot.com/
the lamp wuz rubbed and out came a genie
shh, say no more, don’t be a meanie.
A genie in lingerie? The kissy-hat is not a must
Add bad bedhead and pigeon toes–this outfit’s a bust.
The trampy swim meet went so well that I won first prize.
A giant lip hat, grandma’s afghan, and ugly thigh-highs.
1.
Ah, Pam, if only you had never showed
Your terrifying suit, and legs so bowed.
2.
What eye-engraving horror hath Pam sowed
In lilac lame hooves with haunches bowed?
3.
Someone should have told you that deranged
Was not the way to go: Pam, go get changed!
4.
Even fake lips won’t kiss that mess -
For the sake of our eyes, Pam, put on a dress!
Sign of end of civilization: not a horse with wings,
But a grandma on the prowl in her underthings.
Dear Pam,
If you wish to lose your rep as a ho,
You should tone down the red pleather camel-toe.
Judging by her composure, grace and charm
this genie was obviously bottled in a case of Boonesfarm
1.
My eyes were blinded by the obscenity
Of sheer wardrobe insanity
2.
Oh costumer, art thou blind?
Or perchance a saboteur of a kind?
Stockings, swimsuit, scarf…what a chore!
Why do I bother – everyone’s seen my goodies before.
Oh Pamela, symbol of sex so long ago
You finally grace the London stage – a sad clown children’s ho.
Aging starlets who seek the Youth Fairy,
Should remember that saucy does soon become scary!
Oh, how the ranks of his homeroom class must swell,
When Pammie’s boy brings mom for show ‘n tell.
Shouldn’t be caught in this outfit dead,
Even with a kiss from Heaven on your head.
these lips upon my head do appear
to be looking upon my outfit with a sneer
If I rubbed a lamp and found this genie on crack
Forget my three wishes, I’d send the thing back!
Pam Anderson used to be really hot
Camel-toe anyone? I think not.
As Satan’s minion Pam earns one horn
Doomed for eternity channeling Mamie Van Doren
Pam misunderstood – Aladdin’s the play,
not Best Little Whorehouse on a beach in LA
Pam misunderstood – ’tis “Aladdin” the play
not “Best Little Whorehouse On a Beach in LA”
The kids in the front row are gaping – bring me the pantyhose!
The more of her flesh we can cover up, the less it screams “panto ho’s”.
“LOOK, it’s not MY fault that to the exits you’re herding!
I only GRANT the wishes here, I don’t control their WORDING!”
Option 1:
lace up hooker heels and a red Christmas suit
this year, it’s the nice list that’ll give her the boot
Option 2:
bleached hair, platforms, and a red suit that clings
these are a few of Pammy’s favorite things
Option 3:
You’ll scare the kiddies, Pam, with your stockings-a-hole
I always thought your tape with Tommy was your best-of-all-role
(1) Oh Pamela, symbol of sex so long ago
You finally grace the London stage as a sad children’s clown ho.
(2) Alas, Aladdin, shake your magic bottle with gentle care
For inside might reside a thousand year old genii with a mismatched pair
(3) Wasn’t there an episode of ‘Extras’ which had an Aladdin theme?
How tragic is it that Ricky Gervais gave his genii costume more raw sexual steam?
(4) The dear child was an innocent and ever so cute
He wanted to know why Grandma was on stage wearing a camel toe bathing suit.
(5) From Playboy bunny ears to a lame flame (?) on her head
From being the fantasy of horny young men to being the reality they dread
Pam, still sleepy and stifling a yawn
Yells, “Hey, you kids, get OFFA MY LAWN!”
I used to look hot in painted-on jeans
But now’days I’m mistaken for Angelyne!
These are so funny there is no way to choose, here are a couple although I know I will lose.
#1
The wig, the hat, the shoes, the hose
All clearly prove she’s sniffing something by nose.
#2
Pammy looks a bit like a pissed off granny
and a lot like a misguided tranny.
Pam can’t let her Baywatch costume go
At least back then she looked good as a ho
Thespian Pammy has not thighs of thunder
But acts as if a train has passed thereunder.
1.
Oh no! Missed her cue? Run on stage nonetheless!
For the show must go on, e’en without half her dress.
2.
So fearless in displaying all her “charms,”
Who convinced Pam to cover up her arms?
3.
As strains of “Santa Baby” start to play,
A frightened St. Nick runs the other way.
Genie from Aladdin?
Annie’s Miss Hannigan!