Fug

An excerpt from an IM conversation had by the writers of our sister site, Go Fug YourScientologist.com, located deep within the Scientology Center:

HALEY: Ew, did you see what Kate Cruise is wearing today?

JENNIFER: I know! She’s FULLY wearing the 8-month pregnancy pillow instead of the 10 month pregnancy pillow. SO. GROSS.

HALEY: I KNOW. Why doesn’t she just put on some LEGGINGS and call it a day?

JENNIFER: HAHAHAHAHAHHA. You’re so funny. I can’t believe John Travolta didn’t think you were clear enough to ride on his plane last week.

HALEY:  Shut up, that really hurt my feelings. I heard he flew right past Xenu.  I can’t believe I missed that.

JENNIFER: He totally didn’t, unless Xenu lives in the Capital Records Building.

HALEY: HAHAHAHAHHAHA

JENNIFER: Seriously, though, don’t tell him I said that.

END TRANSMISSION.

Here’s the thing: Katie Holmes, of course, is dressed fine — incorrect-sized [ALLEGED] pregnancy pillow aside.  But she looks like hell. Which is what HAPPENS when you’ve been PREGNANT for ONE YEAR.  For REAL. This is officially the WEIRDEST CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP EVER. I mean it. Sweet fancy Moses (not you, Paltrow), what is going ON WITH THEM? Anything could happen with these two and I wouldn’t be surprised. To wit:

1. Katie Holmes “has” “the baby,” and enters a nunnery. Tom Cruise raises the baby on his own. There’s a lot of “I LOVE THIS BABY.” Not surprising.
2. Katie Holmes “dies” in “childbirth.” Tom Cruise raises the baby on his own. Holmes is occasionally spotted around town, like Elvis, except in the shoe department at Neiman Marcus. Not surprising.
3. Katie Holmes mysteriously disappears. Foul play is suspected, but there’s not enough evidence for anyone to be charged.  Years later, it is revealed that — with the help of a sympathetic Scientologist on the inside [Veronica Mars's Jason Dohring] — Katie’s parents, Joshua Jackson, Kevin Williamson, and Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger staged a dramatic kidnapping at Cruise’s headquarters, spiriting Katie away to a small town in Ledger’s native Australia where she lived out the rest of her life under the pseudonym Josephine Witter.  It is also revealed that an attempt to kidnap the baby was thwarted when Dohring and John Travolta quarreled over the last jelly donut at the Celebrity Centre and Dohring was rendered persona non grata at Casa Cruise in solidarity, thus removing the team’s access. Not surprising.

Look. When InTouch and US Weekly are speculating that the pregnant starlet girlfriend of one of the biggest stars in the world is wearing a prosthetic belly, you are, at the VERY LEAST, in the middle of the most poorly -managed public relations disaster this city has seen in many, many, many a year.

So let’s INDUCE THIS KID and get on with chapter two, already.