Fug Holmes-Fug

POSH: So, er, Kat(i)e… is that what you’re wearing to the Chanel show?

KAT(I)E: Yes. Tom picked it out. It’s amazing. He said it made me look extraordinary.

POSH: That’s lovely and all but don’t you think it’s a bit… much?

KAT(I)E: Tom told me that now that I’m an extraordinary childbearing woman, I should dress like one.

POSH: Well, you look like an extraordinary childbearing curtain in Chaka Khan’s brothel, sweets, I’m just being honest here.

KAT(I)E: Is it not amazing? Really?

POSH: It’s not that bad. It just doesn’t work for this occasion, babes. I mean, look at me — aren’t we going around together so that you can study me? You want to look chic and sleek, not bleak.

KAT(I)E: You’re so smart. This is so exciting.

POSH: I was in the Spice Girls. We did a lot of rhyming.

KAT(I)E: I am a thrilling woman.

POSH: Look, I’m going to level with you, Kat(i)e. It’s great that you’re trying to prop up your boobs, really– I have made a career out of that — but the bloody gown looks like it’s weighing you down, it’s way too much for a daytime event, and Kat(i)e, love, you’re not to wear closed-toed shoes with something that aggressive, okay? You might as well be wearing loafers, babes. Frumpalicious.

KAT(I)E: This is so amazing. I can’t wait to be a mother. Tom and I are really thrilled.

POSH: Er…what?

KAT(I)E: I am enjoying my courses in Extraordinary and I can’t wait to be a Tom Scientology baby.

POSH: Bloody hell, this girl’s malfunctioning. I can’t work with this, people. Hello? Can any of her minders fix her?

KAT(I)E: The wedding is in two Suris but she’s doing thrilled! I am excited to be Scientolmazing! Leah Remini amazatology!

POSH: Oh, bollocks to THIS. I need a drink.