Fug Karfugian

Kim Kardashian is truly famous for nothing. She has no discernible job, nor has she ever done anything really noteworthy in the public eye, and yet I know a lot about her. She is Brody Jenner’s step-sister. She’s friends with Paris Hilton. Her late father was one of OJ Simpson’s defense lawyers, though that was mostly just because he was friends with OJ. He didn’t really do any lawyering.  OJ lived at the Kardashian compound until he turned himself in, so Kim may have some inside scoop on whether or not OJ actually Did It (ahem). And now one of the things you know about me is that I know A LOT about the OJ Simpson trial, primarily because a great deal of the legal shenanigans were aired on local television during a very warm Los Angeles summer that I spent stripping wallpaper for my mother.  And speaking of criminal:

Listen, girl. When you’re dealing with those big old (fake?) boobs, you really can’t just drape a tablecloth over them and call it a day, because it makes you look like one of those ladies on the prow of the ship. (Intern George has just informed me that those are called “figureheads.”  He has an impressive breadth of knowledge, truly.) And while it is conceptually dramatic to come sailing into the harbor with the strength of thousands of seaman behind you, this is not a look that translates well to the red carpet.