Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Top Half

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, peruse the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Diane Kruger vs. Solange · Alyssa Milano vs. Jaden Smith · Bella Thorne vs. Mamie Gummer 

(1) LADY GAGA vs. (16) BAG

While Jessica’s placeholder for text is WORDS, I am too lazy, and so mine is often just letters. Usually the letter F. So imagine me dropping in photos before writing the text of this entry, with just F F F F everywhere around pictures of this:

Apt, no? I mean, F that thing. F it straight to Hell (and then bring it back and let it gossip with us about what it’s like down there and how good our reserved table is). It’s an Hermes Birkin defaced by some artist friend of Kanye’s, who probably thought — correctly — that he was putting one over on the Kardashians by getting one of them to carry an accessory decorated with images of them as hedonistic ghouls. I can’t decide if that guy deserves a smack for touching that bag or a medal for doing it in a way that HAS to have been a subversive ridiculing.

Bag is here because it beat Hat, and so Bag gets to take on a human competitor. Bag is merely Bag; Lady Gaga is multitudes. So drink in Bag, and then contemplate whether it can beat this:

Yes, Gaga is either dressed as a clutch, or a taco. I cherish the thoughtful way her security guard/escort is gazing at her, as if he’s thinking, “Is this, mayhap like Bag itself, a subversive commentary on the all-consuming Taco Bell world of ‘I Want It Now’ and instant fame and naked ambition, or is she filming Pan’s Labyrinth 2? Man, a Doritos taco would taste good right now.”

Bag:

Gaga:

Bag:

Gaga:

Bag:

Gaga:

Bag:

Gaga:

Bag:

Gaga:

Bag:

Gaga:

Bubble Bag:

Gaga wearing a bubble bag:

Whether you vote for her or not, I highly recommend a tour through the Gaga archives, because the gems I left OUT are truly magnificent, and include: overalls made of a Hefty bag with a translucent pink bra; makeup that kind of looks like it was done by the dude who painted Bag; a glamorous wrestling singlet, a windshield, a see-through white one-shoulder leotard, a bra and panties, some attempts at Real Person clothes that she wore to the Oscars, hair tentacles, a mustache… and that’s not even all of it.

Archive: Gaga, Bag

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(8) DIANE KRUGER vs. (9) SOLANGE

Diane Kruger is an adventurous lady, but usually, even WITH her cases of The Sheers, we don’t get pantied.

Until now.

Yes, hello there, underwear. We see you. How are you? Job going okay? What’s worse: Never being acknowledged, or FINALLY being acknowledged, but behind the screen of this hideous thing?

Diane, in fact, has been fearless with her limbs this year. She wore a green dress that was deeply transparent albeit a nice color, and she closed out the eligibility period in this little baby:

If you just look at her face, it’s money. If you look at the rest of her, it’s bankruptcy.

… I mean, did she accidentally water the skirt the night before and it just grew and grew?

Formal drawstrings should not exist. At all. (I think that’s what it is? If not, Illusion Of Formal Drawstrings is on my list as well, then.)

And I included these because almost everyone this entire freaking year wore a pair of super baggy leather and/or leatherette trousers. Including Diane Kruger, AND her opponent Solange:

They have yet to work on anyone.

I am not sure THIS would work on anyone either. Solange’s funky vibe is probably its best shot, and I love the shiny green clutch, but the rest of her looks like set dressing from the Baz Lurhmann Great Gatsby.

And that is a diaper. I keep being distracted by the groovy pants on the girl behind her, and I kind of wish she and Solange had traded outfits. Well, I’m sure SHE doesn’t wish that.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone:

And THIS IS THE STUFF OF WHICH NIGHT TERRORS ARE MADE:

There is a discussion in the comments of that entry about what bug, exactly, that is (we ruled out roaches). Fug Nation is smart, and necessary, and precious to me.

There’s more you’ll want to review: For Kruger, an outfit I call Elbow Hostages, the pimple suit, and an uncharacteristically dumpy, stumpy black thing; for Solange, something involving flamingos, this silliness from Paris Fashion Week, and a skirt that looks like Blue Ivy drew on it.

Both ladies are sartorially brave; which one was worse at it this year?

Archive: Diane, Solange

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(4) ALYSSA MILANO vs. (13) JADEN SMITH

Interestingly, Alyssa Milano wore a short version of a dress that’s featured in the next matchup, on the back of Mamie Gummer. Too bad they didn’t end up in the right places to face off — but, no regrets. Let’s just get punched in the face by this again instead:

A necktie AND a fluorescent gym class bib. Together. I wonder if the Project Runway All-Stars whom she judged would’ve backed out of the show rather than let her wield power over their designs. Possibly they HAD seen this, though:

And that. Is. An experience. SEMI-SHEER WIDE-LEG PANTS. I just now remembered that Mistresses got picked up for another summer season, and suddenly I am EXTREMELY excited about this because the more Alyssa Milano is tempted into absurdity, the better. Especially if it involves sheers, because this dress is doing HELLACIOUS things in her chest region and is another solid reason she’s a contender.

Lo, another necktie:

This one is paired with an excessively dumpy and frumpy thing that it seems even her seatmate is trying not to look at, for fear of it dissolving her poker face right there in front of Getty Images. Alyssa wore a lot of stuff that was terribly bulky on her, actually, including this furry bird dress and a frock with a beaded top. She also whipped out a jumpsuit with weird cutouts, and an outfit that might have been okay if she’d split up both pieces and worn them with other things, and then also done different makeup.

I also unearthed this:

Looks like a standard random act of thigh boldness, right? And then she turns around:

And suddenly there’s a corset and a scarf and some gangrenous-looking details on the mesh. Oh, Alyssa. Clearly she made an effort to step up her style apace with her TV exposure, but it hasn’t quite worked out the way she might’ve imagined.

Jaden Smith has been to the Fug Madness dance before, but only as part of The Family Smith; he is no less a part of that massive spin machine today. The fact that he’s constantly out in public AND dating a Jennerdashian means he’s officially Playing The Game, and so we’re free to include him in this one. This is his first solo season, and he’s stoked:

He also likes spandex and knows all his letters!

Will. Look down. No, DOWN, and to the left. Yes, your left. WHAT HAVE YOU LET HAPPEN THERE? Nothing that would give Justin Bieber pangs of yearning should ever be allowed on a person’s body.

I’m a little afraid of whatever this is:

And this photo has me extremely concerned I’m being hypnotized. Note to Jaden: It’s not working. I still hate whatever that jacket is that you’re wearing. Also, is this a fancy lead apron? Is that an ACTUAL tank top or just the shadow of one?

Also, did you know Jaden Smith and Helena Bonham Carter have something in common? Yes, they both have houses next door to Tim Burton. Just kidding. They both have worn mismatched shoes on purpose:

He also has such a strange sense of layering and proportion that I wonder what would happen if the two of them fully styled each other. Now THAT is a reality show.

Archive: Alyssa, Jaden

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(5) BELLA THORNE vs. (12) MAMIE GUMMER

THESE TWO. Okay. Let’s brace ourselves and get through this together. Bella is a classic case of someone who treats it like more is more:

More extensions, more patterns, more lace. MORE. And this ENORMOUSLY noisy thing is so much more. More sleeves, more fighting patterns, more pseudo-areolae dotted around it.

More bedspread. (How cute could that have been sans peplum, as just a minidress?)

More suede, more culottes.

More matchy, more Bermuda shorted, more crinkly, more secret bra peeping through the shirt.

More very poorly attached netting. MORE. It’s all so more. And there is more: More quasi-back-tattoo, more yellow crinkles, more transparency, more hideous jumpsuitness. She should be wearing less more. You feel me.

Speaking of more:

In the immortal words of Cathy, “ACK! Sweat drops!”

That was from the rock and roll Met Ball, and although the sides are actually pretty and you could argue it’s not entirely off-theme, WHERE IS HER MAKEUP, and does her harness change, and why do her boobs appear to be shedding something like they’re in the larval stage?

Contrasting Bella Thorne’s offerings, though, most of what Mamie has is actually less.

Less coverage. (Her boobs had better NOT shed that tiny bra, or else they will be naked.)

Less interest. (Aggressively bland, aggressively boring, aggressively blah… all the Bs are here.)

And less necessary.  It’s just… Sigh. She has the makeup down, and she’s SO cute, and I love her when she’s on The Good Wife. If these two could just meet in the middle and pop out as two more delicately styled people, they’d be in business.

Archive: Bella, Mamie

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