Fug The Cover: Ashlee Simpson

Riddle me this, children:

Is Ashlee Simpson turning into Ashley Tisdale, or is Ashley Tisdale actually Ashlee Simspon FROM THE PAST who, thanks to a purloined DeLorean, has returned to reclaim her life the way it would have been had she not fallen prey to the demons of “punk” and Pete Wentz, all full of Disney musicals and shocking revelations in this week’s Star magazine that — GASP! — she’s not naturally all that blond? If the two girls run into each other at Barney’s, will the universe therefore fold in upon itself, imploding right there between the Chloe and the Marc Jacobs? Or is Ashley really here on a mission from Ashlee, employed as a warrior from the past come to 2007 to take Jessica Simpson out of her misery, and she’s just loitering around the Disney Channel until she gets close enough to get a shot off? Also, what IS the one flirting move guys can’t resist? I need to know.