I had this one in the hopper ages ago but kept forgetting about it, which ended up okay because InStyle served up another one in a similar vein. So, let us begin with Gwyneth on the October 2012 cover.
First, a detour, because you know we love cover lines. And this time, my favorite is the arbitrary italics on “15 Magic Pieces To Rework Your Wardrobe,” as if they were absolutely desperate to differentiate this from a competing piece called, “15 Magic Pieces To Rework Your Mother-In-Law’s Wardrobe,” which I believe led off Gentle Masochism magazine’s October issue. Also, aren’t stylists out of best-kept secrets at this point? Is that really an endlessly self-refreshing well? Honest question.
But what I really think when I look at this cover is: Janice Dickinson. Because on Top Model, Janice used to complain when the girls would pose like this, as she firmly and correctly believed that armpits are not attractive. And it’s true. Gwyneth is pretty; armpits are not. Even hers. This whole pose feels easy-breezy-CoverGirl in a way that Gwyneth herself really is not. And I don’t think InStyle’s readers particularly want her to be. Put her in this pose wearing a pair of Levi’s and a t-shirt, and it’s Good Housekeeping. Which is perfectly fine. But commercial, cheerful, sunshiney, regular-girl Gwyneth doesn’t feel like a fit with InStyle. Sure, it’s not Vogue, but neither is it a place you go for relatability. So while GOOP herself looks lovely, it’s just… strange. And pitty. Pits are for peaches, girl.
InStyle apparently really likes them, though. Here is November’s issue:
Okay, so this one isn’t overtly Pit Central. But it’s definitely adjacent. It lives in a suburb of Pitsburgh. And I think this cover, overall, is worse because the pose itself is ridiculously awkward. Nobody stands like this. Clearly they had Halle leaning on something that later got erased, but without the object, it makes no sense. Have you ever in your life walked by anyone, in repose or otherwise, cocking his or her body at this angle, with the arms arranged thusly? She’s like a freeze-frame at the end of an old ’80s sitcom — I can hear the studio audience clapping — or perhaps that moment in Dirty Dancing when Baby skips the lift in their mambo and improvises by doing some weird herky-jerky nonsense with her thumbs. Halle Berry is the last person I think of when the words “herky-jerky” ooze out of my poisoned fingertips. Or at least, she was. Now she just reminds me of someone at a party who’s trying really hard to air out her pits without actively fanning them.
And let’s not forget, it forces them to cut out both her elbows. Scandal: InStyle is an anti-elbowite. You heard it here first.
May we conclude by celebrating that in NEITHER instance did I resort to, “This cover is the pits,” nor a joke about Gwynnie going from the future Mrs. Pitt to the current Ms. Pit? I’m so proud of me.
Comments (28):
Neither are great, but at least they both look like THEMSELVES instead of generic, overly-photoshopped Celeb Bot 3000s, and they’re even smiling instead of making dead-eyed sexy faces, so both of these covers are light years better than most of what’s put out there, imo.
Gine – I agree.
I actually don’t mind the Gwyneth cover, but the Halle one is totally ridiculous!!
I think stylists must continuously come up with “Best Kept Secrets” in the way that Cosmo magazine continuously manages to find the “200 best sex tricks”…. Seriously – every single edition of that mag has new sex tricks…what are they suggesting at this point!?
It’s gotta be gross. I think we can all agree on that.
You guys reminded me of one of my favorite Jezebel posts of all time: http://jezebel.com/5919206/cosmos-44-most-ridiculous-sex-tips
Jen – I had to read that. It was so hard not to laugh out loud at my desk. I especially loved the commentary by Esmerelda Foofypants.
Best. post. ever. Thank you for sharing; I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.
That was hilarious. Loved it! It reminds me of my favorite blogger and her recaps of Cosmo – she reads it so you don’t have to! Here’s a link to one.
I immediately started giggling at Halle Berry’s pose. It’s just so ridiculous without the object on which she is leaning. And it does evoke an 80′s feeling. I’m certain her outfit ends with it being a leotard or jumpsuit rather than a dress. But what amuses me more is the tiny, “Halle Berry!” they insisted on putting in the little space next to her face.
And her name followed by the equally tiny exclamation point…..
The ladies themselves do look kinda awesome, the untypicality of the moods notwithstanding. Gwyneth should consider adopting the more casual style. It’s a lot better than most of what she comes up with.
Also, somebody needs to explain very gently to Nahla Aubry that she is not to use Mommy’s clothes for making her cut-outs.
The armpit looks fine to me. As long as it’s well-kept, I don’t think that’s any less an attractive body part than any other. Even rather pretty on a fit person with pretty arms, which applies here.
But I concur that Gwyneth is looking way too easy-breezy here in general. It just isn’t her at all, and I further concur in that I don’t think InStyle readers want that to be her, either. Paltrow’s appeal, to those who love her, is her very exclusivity and unattainable (for most of us) lifestyle. This girl looks like you could take her home to Mama’s Jell-O salad. And no, no you could not.
Also, have they actually narrowed her already-tiny waist? What FOR? I say when your photo editor thinks that even Gwyneth Paltrow needs to look slimmer, that photo editor needs some sort of intervention.
As for the Berry cover, in addition to ridiculously removing the supporting object, it also looks here like InStyle is trying to be FITNESS Magazine. But, yes, the little “Halle Berry” next to her face (thanks Faye!), like it isn’t such a famous face everyone will know it at a glance and they’re telling you some big secret, is hilarious.
Suburb of Pitsburgh. Genius.
On board with the Gwennie cover. Not a fan of her, but she looks great (and the color is super). The other cover? It’s Halle, it would take a monumental screw-up to make her look bad — and while the color is great, the pose….not so much.
“Pits are for peaches” – you were totally channeling Brick Berlin on that one.
Halle is doing the same pose as Ron Swanson!
Wow, I am typing something nice about GOOP for a change: I love her makeup here. Can’t stand her, but she’s killing it here (other than being in Pitsburg).
Yep – fug everything, but the ladies’ faces – the appear to have been spared Phototooling.
Both faces actually resemble the person who is posing, so that’s a big plus.
That Gwynnie cover reminds me of Christie Brinkley, or is it Cheryl Ladd, or is it every blonde cover model from the 80s and 90s.
That is what I was thinking or would if I were not so tired after staying up all night with the election. I wonder if Goop voted? Anyway, she looks fine but generic . How a style mag could make her look generic or make the gorgeous Halle look silly and less that she is – just beyond me.
I don’t mind armpits as long as they are shaved & deodorized! I like Gwyneth’s cover, especially because she is wearing a fabulous color, the dress is pretty, the bracelets are great and the hair & makeup are simple, natural and fresh! I think it’s FAB! Now, Halle Berry’s cover is ridiculous because it’s complicated, unnatural and tired! It’s trying too hard… I don’t like the dress, her pose is awkward, and the fact that they wrote “Halle Berry!” next to her, like the world doesn’t know who she is, drives me crazy! Her face looks lovely, so why didn’t they make it a close up? FUG!!!
The poses might be awkward, but I think women get enough crap from society about how to look pretty and be attractive and the last think we need is someone saying we have to take all photos with our arms down because, heaven forbid, someone might see our armpits. We’ve all got armpits! Own it!
I have the Gwynnie issue. Inside there’s a full length picture from the cover shoot. Ladies, this is A JUMPSUIT.
How about Halle Berry at opening credits of a sitcom? http://goo.gl/DKmpw
Something about Halle’s cover screams Random Magazine about Lady Fitness.
You referencing Baby’s awkward herky jerky dance move made me picture it, and that made me happy. Good times. Thank you.
But didn’t you notice her hair is covering her arm pit? It’s kind of hazy.