Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 5


This is last week’s episode, not last night’s — sorry for the delay in posting, but I was on vacation and then had a travel drama, and basically, you know you’re tired when you’re watching Dallas and you can’t understand the very basic words coming out of people’s mouths. So I had to pace myself. Which is exactly what I suspect Larry Hagman is doing, as halfway through this episode, he announces he’s Mysteriously Leaving for an unspecified amount of time and hops on a chopper. Do we think it’s budgetary, or to preserve his health and energy, or… well, maybe he came back right away, I don’t know. But he’d better bring something scandalous with him when he does return. The absence of JR Ewing is only tolerable if it promises to end in shenanigans. Or some she-Pam-igans, if you catch my drift. Which is not so much a drift as an explosion.

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Comments (22):

  1. nicola911
    0

    So, the Cowboy game… I was there, sitting several rows in front of Jerry’s suite (where that scene was filmed) and Hagman busted me sneaking a picture of him and fully photobombed me with a big ol wink. JR WINKED AT ME – WITH THE EYEBROWS! Sorry I digress because I am still ecstatic about the whole thing.

  2. Liane
    0

    I can’t stop giggling at Ewaaaang. Apparently, I am 12.

  3. CJ
    0

    Jordana Brewster needs to gain like, 5 pounds. I know she’s a tiny girl, but her face looks so gaunt, it’s bad. It makes her look older than she is (the cheekbones, the giant eyes), she looks awful. And her make up in frame 3 is REAL BAD.

  4. Carol C
    0

    I am laughing so hard, the ol’ “you owe me a new keyboard” is certainly in play. You should work for Television Without Pity!

    • Brenna
      0

      I actually think both Heather and Jessica used to write for TWOP – I know I used to read Jessica’s Dawsons recaps all the time.

      I always love the Dallas fug-caps. I don’t even watch the show, but I always laugh so hard at these that my co-workers come over to see what’s going on.

      • Jessica
        0

        Yes, indeed we did. That is how we met.

        • ML
          0

          Ahhh, good ole TWoP… PLEASE say one of you did the “Titans” recaps. The show was an absolute flop but those recaps are classic. I still read them when I need to laugh out loud and freak out the co-workers.

  5. Debra
    0

    Thank goodness I was not drinking anything when you made the comment about Jerry Jones being a fossil…or the aforementioned liquid would be all over my screen right now! Heather you are outdoing yourself with these Dallas posts…Keep up the fantastically good work!!!

  6. Sarah
    0

    I really wanted to give this show a chance, but after watching the original in the 80′s with my mom, I see that this is just a sad sad attempt at recapturing a show that can just never be redone. The cast is terrible and the only really good parts are JR and John Ross’ eyebrows :)

    The young additions are terrible, overact like crazy and shockingly unbelievable.

    That being said, I’ll watch it until it is cancelled, if only for the gratuitous shirtless shots of the guys ;)

  7. Heather
    0

    You may have a long wait — it’s been picked up for season two!

  8. vandalfan
    0

    “No, no, you’re doing it wrong!” for the win.

  9. Soapiness
    0

    I don’t know Heather, I think Josh Henderson does a great job in terms of his portrayal of John Ross. He’s quite believable and is one of the best things of the show after the original cast.
    That being said, the problem with Christopher is that he is so boring as a character and I’m not really feeling any chemistry between him and Elena. As for his acting, what do you expect? I mean, he’s an okay actor and you can see that with his performance.

  10. Eli
    0

    Julie Gonzalo has got to go. She is the worst of the bad acting young things on this show. She is too painfully earnest and annoying to play a semi-devious sexy con-woman. Granted, she aggravated me when she was on Eli Stone, too, but when you are outacted by not one, but two pairs of eyebrows, it is time for a horseshoe or something to dispatch her character.

  11. Lindsey
    0

    Oh these are the best! I clap and cackle with glee every week when I watch Dallas, and then turn around and do the same when I read the fugcaps. Thank you!

  12. ML
    0

    “JR is like, ‘Girl, please.’” > If there weren’t laws against it, I’d marry this sentence.

  13. Beanergirl
    0

    I am a frequent visitor to your site – but, never posted a comment before. I must say that these Dallas recaps are quickly becoming my very favorite thing on this site (and that’s saying a lot). Freakin’ hilarious.

  14. Pouncer
    0

    “He may have Southfork, but bitch can’t defeat a magic death-cheating shower.” — I could not stop laughing.

    Conan interviewed Jordana Brewster a few weeks back, and she was baffled by the promo picture that had all the cast in towels in the midst of a giant shower. I was horrified that she didn’t know about THE BEST TV COMEBACK EVER!!! An entire season of the show was Pam’s dream! It’s so crazy it can only be Dallas.