Fug Getting Married/Well Played, Viola Davis

“Hello. I’m Anne Hathaway:

“Welcome to my one woman show! It’s called Cream of Wheat: A Love Story, and it’s about my life-long affair with warm breakfast cereals. This is my costume for Act I’s closing number, a stirring song called ‘Sowing My Quaker Oats’ and — oh, FINE. FINE. I JUST PICKED SOMETHING BLAND. IT HAPPENS. I’m not HAPPY about it. PLEASE don’t take a picture of me next to Viola Davis. Have you SEEN HER?

“SHE LOOKS AWESOME. And she’s SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM. I WANT TO DIE. Do you think I can lure her into the bathroom, knock her out by pushing her against the tampon machine really hard and then swap outfits before she comes to? Would that be considered Conduct Unbecoming to an Oscar Nominee? LIFE IS SO HARD.”