Fug Kisses

An Open Letter to Jessica Simpson, From Concerned Women of the World:

HONEY. How many times do we have to talk about this? You have to buy the actual size that you ACTUALLY WEAR. NO ONE will know what that size is. NO ONE! Instead, they will just stop thinking things like, “Jessica Simpson’s dress is too small. It’s not very flattering on her. That poor girl. Why doesn’t anyone help her out? All the unfortunate outfits and the bad boyfriends…it’s like no one cares. I’m sad now. I wonder where I put that plate of potato salad.” Do you really want random strangers on the internets worrying that your friends don’t care while misplacing deli salads? Do you want that? I can’t imagine you want that. What you do want — if you haven’t figured it out on your own — is someone in your life who will grab you and say, “Don’t wear that, and stop twittering Tony Romo! You can do better in both categories.” Ashlee’s unemployed! Put her on the job.