Fug On Over

Poor J. Simp. She doesn’t look half bad, but you want to forestall tabloid covers calling you a Sad, Desperate Spinster who CAN’T STAND that her sister got married and sprogged up while you’re still Desperately, Sadly Searching For Love, don’t go out in a black gown and a sad expression. You are only giving US Weekly a photo to run on the cover of the JESSICA: STABBED IN THE HEART, AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT REALLY HURT issue. And while we’re on the subject, can I just say how ridiculous it is that every magazine in Hollywood seems to be peeing themselves with horror over the fact that J. Simp hasn’t managed to get married again yet? She’s not even 30! She had a terribly painful divorce! LET THE GIRL DATE AROUND. The earth will not stop spinning on its axis, throwing us all into everlasting darkness and terror, if Jessica Simpson has a few years of confusing relationship troubles LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO EVER LIVED.

And thus concludes the entry in which I defend Jessica Simpson.