You know, as much as I am not a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow — with the exception of GOOP, I don’t even think her weird snooty tendencies are entertaining; just tiresome — I am always relieved when she works. Because she would sooner die than be regular. And no, I don’t mean that in a digestive way. I am pretty confident she drinks active, intestine-regulating cultures drawn directly from a ram’s pelvis and injected into her morning acai juice pancakes.
So, as usual, Gwyn gives us much to ponder:
The shoes are a great edgy complement to the grainy gold fabric. Also, her eyeliner looks nice. Which is worth noting when sometimes, eye makeup is a person’s undoing (like, seriously, whoever does Jayma Mays’ makeup on Glee so that her eyes always look pink-rimmed and bloodshot should watch her appearances on other shows, because she is adorable). And I WANT to like the folds. Really, I do. Maybe they are artsy.
Or maybe not:
Somehow this makes all the gathers less cute and more… random, like somebody tried to pin it to make it fit, but did it in the front by accident and then forgot to do the sewing. It evokes how no matter what I do, I can’t get my fitted sheet to lie straight over my mattress and memory-foam pad. There is always a crease somewhere.
Also, as much as I love the metallic and the mini (and her legs, dammit), it’s not really very flattering to Gwynnie’s boobs, which is sad, because boobs are a treasure. Maybe she should GOOP about it. She could call it “GOOP: Droop.” Man, I love/hate that newsletter. I enjoy imagining that all Gwynnie’s exes, their current flames, the ladies who came before her in her exes’ lives, and Winona Ryder all flop down in bed with the laptop — not together, although THAT is even FUNNIER — and say, like, “$54 Himalayan salt? A licorice and green-mung cleanse drink? She couldn’t even make CHEERIOS.” And then Wino Forever would make that drink and dump it over every copy of Iron Man she could find at Target. Oh, it would be sweet.
Comments (140):
Forget the dress, what is with the hair? I think she got a little carried away with the bleech – yikes!
Saw her on Letterman…absolutely no personality, just blah, and yeah, the hair looked bad!
Despite her penchant for unapologetic condescension and often questionalble wardrobe choices, Gwyn’s shoe game is ALWAYS on point. For that, she gets a pass.
With those magnificent treasures adorning her feet in this photo, I have one question “There’s a dress?”
Yeah, she has great legs but enough with the micro minis and the tranny shoes. I like sophisticated Gwyneth much better. She is getting a tad long in the tooth for this look.
NOTHING about the cut/fit of this dress is flattering. Is she blind?
From the thighs down, I must agree — gorgeous.
Oh c’mon – this is Gwyneth Paltrow desperately trying to look as hot as Scarlett Johannson.
Gwynnie knows she has legs that look great in mini-length hems, so she’s sticking to those (much like the first Iron Man promotional tour). But I find it interesting that she’s wearing an architectural dress with folds after that pretty one ScarJo wore at the event where Gwynnie wore the ill-fitting formal-shorts suit with the hoof shoes.
Gwyneth: you are naturally pretty, and come from money. You managed to have the Weinstein’s steal an Academy Award for you from Cate Blanchett. You are married to a rock star and gave your children weird names. But, all these things will not make you 12 years younger and give you ScarJo’s gorgeous curves.
So get over it, unless you’re trying to create material to write in GOOP on how you’re trying to re-enact “Bonfire of the Vanities” with yourself as a Social X-Ray and ScarJo as a Lemon Tart. That would be an amusing issue of GOOP, for certain.
This dress is Victoria Beckham and there is only one problem with it – she should have gone up a size. There is meant to be a single fold/drape down the front of the torso that runs from the right shoulder to the left thigh (see it now?) and you can see how the effect is ruined by the dress being too small (and, okay – sometimes you DO need to wear a bra, GOOPY). A pity; it was a good base design, although I’d have preferred to see her in the midnight blue shade shown on the runway.
Dear God,
It’s me, Molly.
Please make these FUGLY gladiator shoes go away.
Please God, even you can see they are the fugliest of the fugly and they do nothing for a woman’s feet or legs.
Thanks for your help on this one God.
Hey, did you know that Jimmy Choo is making light up high heels?
You might want to do something about that too, oh Almighty One.
Regarding the eye makeup on Glee:
I’m much more distracted by Quinn’s terrible eyelash extensions than I am by Emma’s eyeliner.
I’ve had friends get their lashes done with the expensive, “long-lasting,” one-at-a-time procedure, and have yet to see anyone look good in them. For the day of the wedding, or the Oscars: Fine.
They do photograph well from a distance. But then people should take. them. off. They look fake!!!
One friend who adored hers said, “People seem mesmerized by my eyes now.” I wanted to say, “Because you look like Liza Minelli after a tough night in the saddle.” (But I love her, so I didn’t.)
Brooke is right. This dress is cute when it fits!
http://www.victoriabeckham.com/imgs/aw10/49.jpg
You managed to have the Weinsteins steal an Academy Award for you from Cate Blanchett.
Can I get an “amen” up in here?
Oh, also? The dress? Is awful.
I really think of her having pretentious snooty tendencies.
The dress is meh on her, it does not fit. The shoes are alittle much, to heavy and black for that dress.
I’m glad it’s Friday! It’s time for a liquid lunch!
Brooke is right. This dress is cute when it fits!
http://www.victoriabeckham.com/imgs/aw10/49.jpg
This dress looks like she put it on backwards. Somehow, I feel like it was not this heinous until she put it on. Perhaps her personality is besmirching the dress. I dunno.
Oooops. I spoke too soon. That dress IS cute when it fits. (And not metallic.)
I just saw the Victoria Beckham original — it is lovely. Why did Gwynnie have to ruin it?
I know this for sure — Posh won’t take this sort of sartorial slander lying down.
Carrie @9:29 am, you are the friend to have.
Gwyneth … just…BORES me. I have never found much to make me want to notice her (except when she’s being properly fugged). This little number is just boring sauce over bore noodles with a bed of shredded boredom. Even sparkly fabric doesn’t help.
I have also not forgiven her for mucking up perfectly good Jane Austen, especially when Kate Beckinsale did it so much better with so much less effort. I don’t take slights against dear Jane lightly.
Bored. Bored bored bored. I think I’ll go hang on the screen door or something.
Team Go Up A Size.
Oh Wow…they are right, that dress is totally cute when it fits. Goopy ruined it trying to make it tight and debatably sexier. ugh. She does have great legs but that is it. I just don’t get the love of her as an actress. I have yet to see her in a movie that I haven’t wished another actress was playing the roll (excpet maybe The Talented Mr. Ripley).
Is it an oxymoron to say she is too blonde … as if too blonde were a thing that is not possible? Just ask the poster girl of that movement – Gwen Stefani. Anyway, Gwynnie – that’s this Gwynnie and not that Gwennie – looks bad here. All that long drooping blond hair makes her look horse-faced, and of course, she looks like a pandering simp, but that’s because she IS a pandering simp.
And too short! I am not fan of these skirts that just barely cover the goods – especially for the pushing-40-and-beyond set. I don’t care how thin you are; it’s a terrible look.
I just saw her on The View this morning and she appeared to be wearing black short-shorts. Really? That’s the best she could do? I can’t even be objective because she is such a walking “turn-off.”
It DOES look better when it fits! Perhaps her overinflated ego took up any extra space? Just sayin’.
I agree with Stephanie, enough with the micro-minis! The shoes rock, and I like GOOP sometimes, but just read a message from one of my yahoo groups about an exercise video that concludes with Gwyneth and I quote:
“At the end Gwyneth Paltrow addresses the women
who make excuses about not working out, who say they have no time because they work and have kids. She does too, but she just makes it a priority.”
I would also suggest she has a lot of money and help, but that’s just me. GWYNURGHHHH!!!!
That IS a cute dress in the right size!
And yet: lumpiness (from poor fit) + rectangular shape (from high neckline) = sack of potatoes. If there were a campy musical about starchy foods, I would hope for a gilded sack of potatoes with great legs just like you, Gwyneth!
GP is such easy pickin’s. one can count on her for droopy unflattering hair, droopy unflattering boobs, droopy unflattering posture. and astonishingly terrible wardrobe! she is obviously ‘loads’ of fun to be with considering the ubiquitous bored expression (a window to her soul). great legs though! (despite the heavy shoes.) but even her feet look unhappy. that dress on her looks like a dirty foil wrapper from a hot dog blew up off the street and clung to her in an excess wind. maybe she has something nice on underneath it?
She just looks like she doesn’t give a damn. Like she knew the dress wouldn’t fit properly but wore it anyway.
For one thing, Gwennie looks washed out, and that’s saying a LOT, considering the sparkly print. The dress definitely works better when sized appropriately, and in another color.
The comments in here are killing me! As for her talent; she’s an OK actress. A bunch of critics admitted that her winning an Oscar was a bad choice, even if they liked the movie.
No No NO. That dress looks like it’s creeping its wrinkly way to her neck to strangle her. And while I wish she would just shut the hell up already (does she seriously think we are such simpletons that we need to know her recommendations for ANYTHING?), I hesitate to wish actual death on her.
Posh did it better. I wish Posh would write an informative blog about how to live like her.
(She could call it Poop!)
it not only looks this dress is one size too small, but it appears to have been altered. it looks like she had someone take it in to make it more of a pencil fit than an a-line shape. it’s amazing to me that a celebrity of her status would maim a designer dress like that. tsk tsk.
I just want to rant for a moment about this trend in dress design that seems to consist of taking a length of fabric and folding and tucking until it’s all used up and calling it a dress. It’s not – that’s a ROUGH DRAFT people. At least Gwenny is attractive enough to sort of carry it off because, truely, those legs.
Yawn. This is the only look Gwyneth has been sporting the last few years: super-short mini-skirt (or shorts) paired with huge/clunky/gladiator/scene-stealing shoes.
Try something new. And iron it first.
What the hell?? Yeah, this is just horrible. As if the cheap-looking bleach job and the bored/glazed expression on her face weren’t bad enough, let’s discuss the neckline. It looks like she was in a hurry and dropped the girls in a paper bag on the way out the door. Then there’s the hemline. She has great legs but is too old to show this much of them after sundown.
The legs would be great on the beach or Blake Lively (on whom the dress would be a relief because she’d be covering the top half of her body). The shoes are fine. Yawn.
AR @ 9:43 am …”I know this for sure — Posh won’t take this sort of sartorial slander lying down.”
Yay! How fabulous would a Celebrity Death Match between Posh and Gwynnie be? My money’s on Posh. She’s small but wiry and her cheek bones look like they could cut a bitch.
I think the shoes make her look like she’s got cankles.
I loved the dress with the leather jacket:
http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k43/lilyevans77/17/gpside.jpg
But without it… not so much.
We get it Gwyneth, you have great legs, but while this is not something I say much because I believe that people should wear what looks good regardless of their age, this is far too young for her. Gwyneth, however sorry her attitude, is an attractive woman and I won’t take that away from her, but let’s face it, she doesn’t look ten years younger than what she is either. An outfit like this just makes her look desperate and ridiculous.Give it up Gwynnie. Inviting the world to be your gynocologist just isn’t working anymore.
That said, the shoes are freakin’ awful. When are these silly things going to finally go out of style? Hate them. The dress might have worked if it were on a 20 year old, but even then, that’s questionable because those gathers all over it can’t be flattering on anyone.
Oh, heck, I like Gwynnie! She just strikes me as possibly not too bright. I love the shoes and like the fabric, though it’s really too short. I don’t care for the folds/architectural trend, however, and this rather looks like it’s on backwards.
Check out her shadow in the first snap. The extra folds plus lack of proper foundation garments results in a strange boyish silhouette.
That dress looks like the worst case of static cling in the world. Nothing like the one on the Beckham page.
And the shoes are awful.
Carrie @ 10:40am
Poop vs. Goop
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Looks like she’s trying way too hard to look about ten years younger than she really is. Grow up, Gwynnie!
On Letterman last night she was a complete train wreck…the dress (if you could call it that) was a sort of black version of this, bleached out stringy hair, trampy shoes. I guess all of her taste is in her mouth…
As Christian Siriano said (about Tori Spelling): “let me see your driver’s license, lady, because it is NOT cute anymore”…
heh – realized I was a wee bit catty up there.
I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow is a bad actress. In fact, I like her in several movies. But I just don’t think she’s an excellent actress. I can’t think of any movie she’s been in that another actress could have done equally well.
And I don’t know what happened to her, and when she became GWYNETH. In the late 90′s, she was a thin Lemon Tart (to extend my comparison above). She always looked classy and lovely and when she smiled, it didn’t look condescending. Now she just looks like she’s brittle and trying too, too hard.
Why is a mystery to me. She comes from a wealthy, influential family and lives an enviable life. Why she also feels the need to be hot, sexy, fashion and lifestyle icon I have no idea. I much preferred this version of Gwyneth Paltrow. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1381669376/nm0000569
Man, she HAS to have a moderator on GOOP, because I think she is one of the least liked celebs.
Too short, that’s the problem.
There have been several recent examples of folks in dresses that seemed a size too small (recently Paltrow and Mendes). How does this happen? Does the stylist order the wrong size? Is the celebrity forced to wear the dress, if a too small size is delivered? When we see celebrities in dresses way too small or too big, surely the star did not order it that way?
Re: Size too small
well, I’m sure we’ve all dealt with the reality that those little size numbers inside the clothes are, shall we say, a bit arbitrary and have only the most tenuous connection to reality. To know what that number means, one has to know what their standard starting size is, what number they assign to it, and what fractional increments they make up and down.
That said, many a woman has fixed on a particular number as “her size” and will only wear clothing with that number attached to it, no matter if it fits properly or not.
Still, you’d think someone with money, time, and a stylist would catch on to the simple trick dear Stacy and Clinton expound — wear what fits, not some magic size number.
Am I the only person in America who thinks these shoes automatically induce stumpification even in long-legged ladies like G-Pal?
seriously how HOW do i get legs like that???????? anybody anybody?????
I love how you ladies periodically work in a lyric from a Keane song. Brillz.
I honestly like it!, compared to what she wore on Letterman a couple of nights ago (black garbage bag, anyone?) Unless, she is the new spokesperson for GLAD or HEFTY!
Maybe only SHE knows…
Gwyneth is 101% fug herself so everything she wears becomes instant fug too
Stuck at work on a Saturday, thank god for GFY. I giggled out loud at the image of the exes/Winona + GOOP (and yes, I’m a subscriber. I blame the Fug Girls!).
I kind of really would love to see the fabric as a pencil skirt with a cute black or jewel toned top. WIHOUT THE STUPID CREASES, thankyouverymuch.
Oh, Gwinnie you really know how to FUG up an outfit. You could best dressed and still be fugly because of the snooty attitude. Get over yourself already!!!!
I love the outfit, but unlike say, a Rihanna or J-Lo, she does not know how to stand when you are wearing this type of outfit. Her posture is AWFUL in the last pic, like she’s aware that this is not her lane.
I am more intrigued at how shadow Gwennie’s nose looks like CD Bales’ in Roxanne (1987, Steve Martin classic).
But the dress is pretty unflattering to her boobs and I am not impressed by the shoes either. As much as I loathe Gwen, I must state that I thought she cracked some wicked looks at the first Iron man movie premieres and she should definitely stick with short hemlines and killer shoes, not just cos she has totally amazing legs but also because celebrities who get chauffered everywhere and don’t have to live the painful lives of us mere mortals (i.e. get on public transport) should therefore be forced to wear beautiful items of torture which are designer heels.
Another horrible Victoria Beckham design. Just a silly dress all around.
Another horrible Victoria Beckham design. Just a silly dress all around.
This is a Victoria Beckham design? Really? But it’s AWESOME! Are you people blind ?!?
Best thing Gwynnie has worn in YEARS!
This is just a succinct reason why you guys are gold: “I don’t even think her weird snooty tendencies are entertaining; just tiresome.” Gwyneth Paltrow–it’s funny for a little while, and then you just start reminiscing fondly about the period 27 June 1793 – 27 July 1794 in France, pondering replicability. Man, that Friday link you gave to some princess yakking up Paltrow’s Martha’s Vinyard world elite championship multiculti playdate fishing episode–even RDJ’s Goop-as-heroism tongue-in-cheek hyperbole couldn’t stop the bile from backing up the old esophagus.
Effing Paltrow looks effing great in her finery. Just like Marie Antoinette. …Of course my only sartorial suggestion is: Perhaps a little off the head?
I clearly am in the minority here, but I love Gwyneth. I love her in the “oh my god, she’s seriously the most pretentious friend I have but we’ve been friends for ever and if it weren’t for her I would have no one to mock” kind of way.
I look forward to thursday mornings when GOOP appears in my inbox, if only for the entertainment of reading about $1,000 a night hotel rooms and wonder why she doesn’t have to adhere to the same FCC regulations and admit she gets to stay there for free… Or picturing her making some recipe she raves about instead of her fleet of chefs and helpers. It adds so much fun to my normally boring mornings!
That being said, I really don’t like her in this dress.
She’s good at emphasizing what she’s got – legs. Everything else about her is a bit meh – she doesn’t give great face, hair or boob. So, I’ll give her credit – by showing a lot of leg, it does make me stop and think “hmm wish I had those…” before looking at the rest of her.
I think she’s incredibly annoying but…I don’t blame her for showing a lot of leg. She’s getting older and while she still has rocking pins, she may as well flaunt them.
i tink this dress will be better off being worn by some young girls instead of her. she will definitely look stunning in this attire 1 decade ago, but right now she is doing the dress an injustice =P
Folds no. Neckline double no. I don’t like the shoes either. I like her legs.
Sweet jesus, she’s ripping off her own look from LAST year: too short dresses, wan makeup, too high gladiators, schlumpy ingenue posture. Ja, ja, Gywnnie. We’ve seen it all before. Zzzzzzzz . . .
If the “smashed aluminum can” look is in, you got it in spades.
the dress? needs to be four inches longer. the hair is v. bad. she looks like she’s worried about her husband and trying to compete with the groupies.
The dress looks like a potato sack, but I do like the shoes.
Strange that women who go on about intestinal cleaning have no hesitation in wearing a lot of chemicals on their face and a dress made from a fabric that must have polluted a few rivers in China. I don’t mean she should walk around in a fig leaf – just bemused by the contradiction.
Your neckline should never be higher than your hem line is long. It looks like it’s riding up. Why are the girls unsupported?
The dress is meh, the shoes (and legs!) are amazing, and her hair is beautiful — not sure where those comments are coming from. And this is coming from someone who personally cannot stand the woman, so I’m being very objective here.
I also like her more sophisticated look. Here she is too naughty, it doesn’t fit her. But the outfit is nice.
glittery sandpaper? sounds painful.
Chloe Sevigny has better legs
gotta agree with E-SHARP- this has a direct one-way ticket to whence it came. any apparel that makes you look like you’re falling over is bad
Chasmosaur – great summary, it’s nice having someone expressed so accurately that creepy feeling down my spine when I hear of or see G.P.- you pick up the link between fashion faux pas and personal challenge just right!
consider writing cliff notes for celebs.
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