Fug the Cover: Angelina Jolie

Do not get me wrong. Angelina Jolie could appear on the cover of a magazine wearing a barrel and picking her teeth with a pocket knife and she would look gorgeous. I find her to be inhumanely fabulous. Ergo, it’s shocking to me that Vanity Fair seemed to feel that she would benefit from the kind of help that the rest of us ladies occasionally resort to in order to fabulous ourselves up, namely the tried-and-true trio of cleavage, big sexy bedhead, and major lips. Those are classics because they tend to work and I support them daily, but I think on someone like Angelina, who is already extra sexy-looking thanks to the miracle of genetics, they combine to be…a bit much. I mean, her boobs are clearly mesmerizing, but I read a comment about this cover which opined that she looks a bit more like a blow-up doll than she probably wants to, and I have to agree. Especially since they pulled a quote from her that uses the word “sexy” twice in one sentence and also slapped the word “oral” right next to her face. Like, we get it: Angelina Jolie is sexy. The earth is round. Marc Jacobs makes cute accessories. These are truths so well-known that some people are actually kind of sick of hearing them. Angelina’s smart, and her life is interesting, so I find it hard to believe that she, of all people, needs the Sexed-Up Treatment to move magazines, especially Vanity Fair which purports to be rather brainier than your average rag. Frankly, I’d be more interested in buying the one where she’s wearing the barrel.