Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

Sigh. I got spoiled, guys. When Nicole Kidman was pregnant, she looked so much more like her normal, pre-Botox, To Die For self and I guess I hoped it would stay that way. Because I am naive.

Look at her back in April, though:

Seriously, is that a FACIAL EXPRESSION I detect? Traces of actual movement in her brow? SMILE LINES? I thought she’d blitzed those off her face completely.

Compare that with the RoboKidman on the cover of this month’s Australian In Style:

AAAARGH!

NOOOO. Now, I’m sure some of this is thanks to an overzealous Photoshopper, but a lot of it is pretty much exactly what she looked like starting with Bewitched and on through until she started cultivating her womb fruit. Seriously, if Botoxia Le Wax up there REALLY wants to have ten children, then I hope she does it, because it’s so much more pleasant when pregnancy forces her to stop jabbing needles into her face. That smile in the top photo looks like agony. She probably burned 400 calories just getting her muscles to do that. This time next year, she’ll probably have made a mint off a series of workout DVDs called Nicole Kidman’s Facercize, her all about how you can work up a sweat sitting in front of a mirror and trying to achieve a series of elaborate human expressions. And just like regular exercise programs, she’ll have guests behind her doing variations for all skill levels — say, Mary-Louise Parker doing the easy moves, and Rachel Zoe demonstrating the more advanced techniques. Madonna could loan out some tunes to keep it hopping, while Heidi Montag presents a special ten-minute session on how to work with your caterpillar lips. Wow, that is almost special enough for me to hope it comes true. I may have talked myself into rooting for Nicole to keep freezing herself. Who knew?