Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

I have sincerely been enjoying the way every other magazine in the United States has decided that because November is the month in which we elect a new president (maybe you hadn’t heard), their November covers will be SUPER PATRIOTIC, and they all must OUT PATRIOT each other! Red, white and blue! Babies waving flags! People jumping out of apple pies with baseballs in one hand and the Constitution in the other! If I ran a magazine, I think I would have Michael Phelps on the cover, holding a bald eagle, wearing a red, white and blue striped Speedo and the word “VOTE” written across his chest in Sharpie. (After all, you SHOULD vote. And what better way to insist upon it than using firm pecs as America’s chalkboard? Exactly. How do I not have a magazine of my very own?) And yet somehow Nylon seems to think that the most effective way to get across their love of country is a shot of Paris Hilton in which her eyes appear drugged and unfocused and her extensions are all wonky. Sure, you could say that was a conscious choice, but I prefer not to be so cynical and decide it was just a very, very bad one, especially since Paris has actually been kind of vaguely amusing lately. Still, it seems sort of tragic to have a bedraggled-looking Paris on the cover of a magazine purporting to be all about things to love about the United States, while relegating Jon Stewart to just two tiny words there on the side. Get him and Colbert popping out of that apple pie, and you’ve got my $4.50, kids.