Fugging Up In Fugas

I love the Muppets as much as anyone. I’ve watched The Muppet Show DVDs and plan to show them to my kids, I love their contributions to Sesame Street, I’m totally down with their movies (I mean, come on, Charles Grodin singing an operatic love song to Miss Piggy in The Great Muppet Caper is hilarious, as is The Baseball Diamond), and… look, the list is long. The Muppets rule. Puppets, on the other hand… that’s a conversation for another day.

But nowhere in my love of Muppets do I include, “I just want to put my ass on them!” Which is exactly what will happen to those sweet little faces when Katy Perry sits down at this event. Yes, I know, those aren’t real three-dimensional Muppets she’d be squashing, but there’s just something so off-putting about knowing she’s about to go butt-cheek-to-jowl with Kermit and his crew.  Or that Russell Brand, Katy’s new boyfriend, might later rip off the Muppet dress with his teeth before engaging in carnal activity the dress will have no choice but to witness. That’s what it is: This dress is about to lose its innocence, and I am powerless to help it. DAMN YOU, PERRY.