Fugke Shields

Look, Brooke Shields, I really like you. And it seems like your children are adorable.

But maybe — MAYBE — you shouldn’t let them dress you, because that’s when you end up looking like a life-size Barbie who is about to show up at Ken’s wedding to another woman right in the middle of the ceremony, making everyone turn around and gasp and wonder why you’re wearing white TOO, and why you look like a reverse Smurf, and whether you’re going to yell that you object or just sit there crossing and uncrossing your legs while Ken stammers through his vows.

She also went a little nuts at a Derby party:

See that X on the floor? I wonder if that is NOT, in fact, her mark for the photographers, but something a suicidal crow taped to the carpet so it would know when to launch itself at her midriff — and thus, into an afterlife it hopes will be full of shiny objects and really hot lady-crows. Good luck with that, little buddy.