Fugly In Love

From the files of Ned Sofanegra, WHEE! Online gossip columnist:

“While on a hot-n-sticky road trip to the steamim’ hot Big Snapple, I saw scrumptious-bumtious Beyonce on the streets and couldn’t resist stoppin’ to tawk it up with the deelish Dreamgirl. Such a slurpy delight!

‘Your hair reminds me of Whitney Houston in the early 90s,’ sez I. ‘So tell me, would you rather have sex with Whitney then, or Whitney now?’

Miz Thang just looked at me like I was kee-razy, and not in the “love” sense she crooned about a few summers back. Me, I think even slim-trim sex-aaaay Beyoncealicious would snap skinny Whit like a twig! But I pressed on — gotta gobble up the diva dish and lick the plate clean!

‘So sorry to see a dog tried to eat your crotch — thank God he only got away with half the dress!’ I cooed at my fave bootied beauty. ‘Which makes me wonder, which animal would you want to be mauled by: Paris Hilton’s ferret, George Clooney’s pet pig, or Colin Farrell?’

This is when her bodyguards, big burly hunks of chunky funk, hustled Lady B and her boots of shame inside. No answer today. Which do you think? Me, I’d take option C, but sumthin’ tells me that La Knowles knows her bread’s buttered down near option Z, if you get my rappin’ drift.”