Fugly Potter

Why Puberty Is Hard, as overheard at a recent Harry Potter function:

Rupert Grint: Cripes, how can I see with all this hair in my face?

Emma Watson: I am about to burst into tears.

Daniel Radcliffe: I’ve suddenly developed an obsession with Morrissey, hence my monocromatic black ensemble.

Rupert Grint: “Rupert Grint” is a really terrible name, isn’t it? I wonder if I can convince people to start calling me “Tony.”

Emma Watson: Hasn’t anyone noticed that I look like I am going to cry? Hasn’t anyone noticed that I’ve been forced to wear my father’s pants, turned into knickers? With trainers? Hello? Anyone? Won’t anyone comfort me?

Daniel Radcliffe: I just realized that I am wearing an overly large polo shirt buttoned up to the neck. I feel very, very uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Rupert Grint: Also, Dan? You kind of need a hair cut.

Daniel Radcliffe: Thanks for the newflash, Shaggy. Why aren’t you more concerned about my brows, which seem suddenly to be reaching Peter Gallagher-esque proportions?

Emma Watson: HELLO? Two seconds away from hot, fresh tears here! I am an ADORABLE GIRL and LOOK AT WHAT I AM WEARING.

Daniel Radcliffe: You do look a bit as though you raided Mary Stuart Masterson’s closet from 1983. But with worse pants.

Emma Watson: You weren’t even born in 1983, so why don’t you shut up?

Daniel Radcliffe: Why don’t YOU shut up?

Emma Watson: YOU.

Rupert Grint: I am just going to back away from this situation verrrry verrry slowly. If I escape now, maybe no one will notice that my trousers are both too long and rather dirty.

Emma Watson: [crying] I can see you trying to sneak off. It’s because you’re embarassed to be seen with me in these knickers, isn’t it, Rupert? ISN’T IT?

Rupert Grint: No, it’s because…well, actually, yes. They’re really rather horrible. Why is the crotch so long? [TO SELF: Oh my God, did I just say "crotch" to a girl? I want to die.]

Daniel Radcliffe: Don’t let him get to you, Emma. If this double decker bus behind us crashes into us, to die by your side? Is such a heavenly way to die.

Emma Watson: I want to go home.