Fugly Gaga

Now that Fug Madness has ripped off the Lady Gaga Band-Aid, I suppose it’s all-systems-go with this one. She can credit her appearance on American Idol last night for bringing her more fully into the barbed Fug fold. It was kind of a terrible performance — the kind where I could see how the song might be good, and I respect that she actually played the piano, but it was a hilarious mess.

Led by this:

[Photo: You know it was me, people. Just look at its quality.]

As her outfits go, it’s not even near her worst. But iIt’s almost too on-the-nose: a star theme, for a show that purports to find the next big recording star (or the next Taylor Hicks). I particularly enjoy the cutout sleeve and all the tassels snaking down her leg like tentacles trying to suck her into the jaws of something ravenous. Perhaps it’s a pants-eating monster. That would explain all her other ensembles: She’s being stalked by something with a grudge against fabric.

I don’t know how to explain this, though:

I don’t know whether to weep or pat her on the back and buy her a martini — this so freaky, evoking a bizarre Hell’s Angels version of Pac Man, that it may come back around to being fantastic. It’s like she’s a super half-hearted pirate — she wants all the sexy benefits of an eyepatch, but minus the impaired depth perception. She could zip it up if she’s working the room at a bar, trying to get picked up, but then open it again if she’s too hammered to get to the bathroom without banging her crotch into one of the pool tables. I deeply, deeply wish Halloween were tomorrow, because I would be all up in that thing’s grill — or more accurately, it would be all up in mine.

That might be my favorite Idol close-up of the season — possibly tied with this:

Yes, you’re seeing this correctly: Last week, SIMON DREW A MUSTACHE ON PAULA’S FACE.

I KNOW.

I have never wanted to hug him more than I did in that moment. The only thing better would be if he’d gone full-handlebar on her. Next time he should make one at home out of sock fibers and superglue it to her lip while she’s dancing. Please, somebody, give them an arts-and-crafts show. NOW.