Fuglyweds, or WHEN WILL THE SHAM END?

NICK: Hey, Jess, do you think they’re buying it?

JESS: What?

NICK: IT. THIS. THIS SHAM OF A MARRIAGE WE’RE KEEPING UP FOR GOD KNOWS WHY. IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE CARES ABOUT US ANYMORE.

JESS: Huh? Oh, um. I dunno. Probably.

NICK: Seriously? HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT? EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S OVER!

JESS: Hmm? Sure, honey.

NICK: YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME.

JESS: Mmm-hmmm.

NICK: And what are you WEARING? Are those TIGHTS? WITH NO PANTS? UNDER A BIG SHIRT? AND A CROPPED SWEATER? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU?

JESS: Uh-huh.

NICK: I WANT A DIVORCE!