FUGOOP

Ever since we wrote about how Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP went from being an annoyingly pretentious vanity project to an unintentionally hilarious snapshot of her personality, the newsletters have been on such a divine roll. For example, the VERY day our column ran, GOOP featured a video workout to help shape us up for spring — telling us it’s unrealistic to follow one of those 10-day emergency workouts, mere months after instructing us on how to do a seven-day cleanse to lose holiday weight fast — and then ended with this tantalizing preview for next week: “FPO – awaiting next week copy.” Her poor assistant probably got sent home for the day without any hibiscus-salt samples.

This week, it’s full of Gwyneth’s tips for dressing this spring. Her ideas are truly revolutionary: Trenchcoats! Sandals! Lightweight pants! All of which she models as if she’s in the pages of Land’s End, leaning up against a boat dock. That is, of course, when she’s not busy advocating for these:

[Photo: GOOP.com]

Yes; JUMPSUITS. Gwyneth feels that these will look fantastic on any body shape (presumably she’s not aware that people come in sizes other than “toothpick” and “reedy” and “Madonna”). But the best part is, her face seems TOTALLY unconvinced by her own suggestion. She’s walking around in her baggy-legged jumpsuit and jamming her hands in her pockets as if she’s really self-conscious — less “see how confident and stylish I look” than it is, “Oh, crap, this may have been a really bad idea.” Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that if I were to wear the jumpsuit on the far right, the crotch would skim my knees. That is only fabulous for spring if smuggling babies in our pants becomes the new fad.