FugToriOus

The place? A fashion show for mass retailer Kohl’s. The magic trick? A peek inside the minds of America’s sweetheart couple, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling.

DEAN MCDERMOTT: I can’t believe I’m at a motherf’ing KOHL’S fashion show. I didn’t marry HorseyMcBoobjob over there to go to a Kohl’s show. 

TORI SPELLING: Dean doesn’t seem very happy. 

DEAN: Chanel? Yes. Dior? Yes.  Marc Jacobs? Yes!

TORI:  You’d think he could crack a smile. We’re in the front row.

DEAN: Even Target would have been okay. Target is kind of hip.

TORI: We got Phillips head screwdrivers in our gift bags. Dean loves tools.  He’s like the king of the tools. I wonder what’s wrong.

DEAN: I wouldn’t have tattooed her face on my arm if I didn’t think I was getting fifty years of classing it up rich and famous-style in return. I mean, I never even got to see the stupid bowling alley in her Dad’s house. I really wanted to see that bowling alley.

TORI: And I look surprisingly cute today. This dress is really flattering on me, and the boots are kind of good. But he won’t even look at me.

DEAN:  Would it make me look really bad if I leave her when she’s pregnant, and right after we found out that she’s out of the will? Is that really suspicious?

TORI: Does he look sort of like David Silver, if you squint your eyes? I need to remember to bring that up with Dr Leavenworth at our next session.

DEAN: I wonder if I can get Paris Hilton’s number from K Fed.

TORI: I wonder if I can get his attention if I pretend to have a seizure.