Hey guys,
We’ve been having so much fun with the open comments — thank you for being generally awesome — that Heather and I have been mulling other features we could do that utilized them to the most amusing advantage. What the hell, right? We’ve been doing this thing for five years: As in a marriage, it might be fun to try something new (within a loving embrace of our committed and nonjudgmental relationship, mais oui). And what better day to get freaky, role-reversal style, than a Friday?
Here’s how this is going to work. We’re going to ask YOU to write the post about this photo, following very specific guidelines that will be different each week. The best three entries posted in the comments — please don’t e-mail them to us — between NOW and 10 p.m. PST Sunday night will be posted on GFY Monday morning, with attribution, and the readers can vote on their favorite to pick a winner. (Right now the only prize is THE THRILL OF VICTORY, because this real estate is all we have to offer. But maybe one day we’ll have actual STUFF. Let us pray.) Enter as often as you want!
Come on! It’ll be fun! And it’ll make the weekend arrive faster.
THE PICTURE:
THE FUGEE: Wacktacular Brit socialite Lady Victoria Hervey
THE GUIDELINES: Your entry must take the form of a haiku. Grammar and spelling count. You may be risque, as in the tradition of all good haiku (….right?) but try not to get full-on nasty. And to make sure there’s no uncertainty: A haiku consists of one five-syllable line, one seven-syllable line, and then one more five syllable line. In that order.
EXTRANEOUS DETAILS: Yes, her dress has actual holes in it. She’s smoking a Smokestik, which is a tobacco-free, electronic nicotine dispenser that she herself designed (!) and which has her family crest on it (!!) as well “a bejewelled tip” (!!!). (I really want to make a “bejewelled tip” joke, but I don’t get to write this one.) Feel free to work this in as you see fit.
IMPORTANT WARNING: Please keep your entry in the spirit of the site itself. We’re pretty sure y’all know what that means.
Okay! We’re excited to read your entries! Get writing. And don’t forget to sign your entry the way you want your credit to appear if you’re chosen.
Comments (637):
Yes, my dress has holes
Envy my bejeweled tips
Peasant, bow before me
Then we forgot to open comments. Sorry! CARRY ON!
Pull tabs to her crotch
Faux cigarette in her mouth
That’s klass with a k
Skipping stones built in!
“Don’t look directly at it,”
Think folks behind her
Oh bejeweled goddess
please pass me one of your smokes
How much for an hour?
Holes in pillowcase
with fluttery butterflies
that fled from her crotch.
Why are cockroaches
Eating the hem of your dress?
Dude, that is real gross.
Hair, pretty gold. Yes.
Plastic moth-eaten holes and
bejeweled death stick. No.
(Dang, this is harder than it seems. Fug girls, you guys rock!)
Leeches in my dress
Crawling in and out of holes
Guess where they came from
Fug holes and smokesticks
cannot hide the fact that the
Lady is a Tramp.
Glam “cig,” Lady Vic
Adorned holes? Are those beetles?
Too much, look away.
Hanging guitar picks
Catch the glint of flashbulbs’ light
My eyes bleed, Famewhore.
Hanging guitar picks
Catch the glint of flashbulbs’ light
My eyes bleed, Famewhore.
Vicky so social
You somehow missed all those holes
In your frock, bejeweled
White dress full of holes
See how my Smokestik protects me
From further damage
unfortunate holes
were not made by your wacky
bejewelled tobacky
The mollusks living
under her clothes are fleeing.
Fear of bejeweled fire.
Genital warts or
stones? Lady V wants the world
to be her gyno.
Pre-fab ash holes for
Verisimilitude with
Sparkly electro cigs.
“If only it were
My man had a bejewelled tip
To match my smokestick.”
Bystanders agree: Hanging chads and coffin nails are so last season.
O, Lady V. Herv.
Your crotch is spewing shrapnel;
Frock might self-destruct.
The name is Hervey–
My manner and dress perv-ey
Try to ignore me!
Pale snake sheds its skin
Sucking on a fake cancer stick
That dress is ugly
My fire damaged dress
symbol of addicted soul
saved by my smokestick
Nothing says “Lady”
Like some easy-access holes
And a bejeweled tip.
Waded through a swamp –
Leeches latched onto my dress.
Like you’ve ne’er done that?
(Creative license on the Shakespearean-style one-syllablizing of “never” as “ne’er,” because she’s a Brit. Just like Shakespeare. Yes, so similar…)
Drag on a fake smoke
Lady’s approached by a bloke
“Those holes need a poke.”
Dress was fine until
encounter with lawnmower.
Now I need a smoke.
Pseudo tobacco,
A dress that vomits roaches,
I have not the words
Ann Coulter’s lost twin
Piranhas attack her hem
Too shiny! Too short!
I take sustenance
From the nicotine. My feet
Agony divine
what is she wearing?
Am I smokeless hot or what?
As moths eat my skirt.
I saw her driving last night, positively huffing on that smokestick! I hope it helps her. She seems like she REALLY wants to smoke.
Never mind the “Lady;” I want to know what is going on with the older woman behind her who is wearing a parka over her nightgown over her ballgown.
Dress causes concern
Bejeweled tip cuts crotch holes
I can see her bra.
Man in the background
avoiding the obvious:
all legs; holes in dress.
What sort of “Lady”
Would sport frock-eating mussels
Without a brarawn?
Glamourous Lady
Family Crest won’t save thee
You are a hot mess.
Hem of skipping stones
or attack of Pac-Man ghosts?
Ponder while I puff.
Lady, why smirk so?
Nothing about you is hot.
He must turn away.
Lady Vicky, no.
The moths have been at your frock.
And only one sleeve?
The look in my eyes
Dares you, “go ahead, say it!”
Mussels ate my hem.
burn hole filled wardrobe
Hervey covers up damage
with glue gun and shells
shiny too tight dress,
attacked by metallic stones;
bejeweled tip: HELP HER
Doggie chewed on dress
Disdainful looks from behind
Comfort is bejewled
Dropped my cigarette
Burned right through my dress
Must self-medicate
Dangling like fall leaves
Condoms near point of entry
Clever idea, that.
Dress: stones drip from holes.
Plus, satin crotchtacular –
Please stop! Great shoes though.
Synthetic Lady
A fake ciggie and moth holes
Still, nice shoes and stems.
The dress– not the crest
or gaudy jewels– makes her
holier than thou.
Nibble, moths, nibble
Num, num, num, num, num, num, num!
Lo, ventilation!
Blinged out cigarette
Tight, shiny, holey and short
Please don’t bend over
Dress that’s been chewed on
It’s only made classier
By blinged out ciggy.
Holey smokes Vicky
Smirky hot mess Love those shoes
I am just perplexed
I’m freakishly tall,
smoking my Mummy’s fugstick,
dressed by a Muppet.
What was I thinking?
I need a full length mirror,
Or some style.
Smoking a fakie,
While being almost naked,
At least shoes are nice…
‘What am I smoking?’
Instead you should be asking,
‘Why the hanging chads?’
Madame, tres charmant
in mollusk-crotch sheath dress
and vomit collar.
Cute man in background
averting his eyes, lest his
retinas explode.
Strategic holes. Peek?
Smokestick no smoky. Refined.
All avert their eyes.
Nic stick? Ugly dress?
At least her tits are covered -
A blessing, I guess.
Poor Stacy McGill!
Your Spring Fling dress can’t match Claud’s
Scrunchie. But…you’re tan?
Can you please help me?
I’ve misplaced my gun, Clyde and
the rest of my dress.
OR
To win Wii Smoke, you
Must tongue the family crest,
Then hole punch your dress.
Crap! I tore my dress.
I got clips from Office Max
So there, I fixed it!
I’m Slim Virginia.
Glorious is my fugness!
Why look they askance?
My holes on display
I’m Lady Fugmaster Fug
Hustling cigs. ONLY.
Blue petals falling -
Let’s hope her lady-petals
Do not follow suit
Eye heart my Smokestik.
Look away from the pebbles
Falling out my dress.
Stick chick smokes Smokestix.
What is the purpose of holes?
It is a whore’s dress.
Binder clips my ass
Those are jewels,look close
VICKYDONTHURTME
Tragic fashion crime.
Lady Vic’s Fug Penalty:
stoned by her peasants
Skipping stones is fun
More so on British Ladies
Cute shoes, bad dress; sigh
I’m not even mentioning the cigarette thing. I was actually going to write a line on that, but cigarette has too many syllables for me to work it in.
bejewelled is her tip,
yet unfinished is her hem;
Airholes for her crotch?
Oh Lady Harvey
Trick crotch with magnetic pull
and trick cig to boot!
Bejewelled tips may not
kill, but moths punish those with
disconnected sleeves.
Smokestick does burn hot.
Inhale, then light the end; dress!
Not extinguisher.
Oh dear socialite
If only Smokestik had flames
this dress could be burnt
Don’t mind the ciggie;
Smoke is my defense against
moths eating my dress.
Sadly, the smokestick
fails to persuade me that those
stones are cojones.
Soft dusting of snow
Melting now to reveal life
Mount Callgirl in spring
Smoking giantess
Wacky clotheshorse aristo
Has a moth problem
So much wrongness here
It makes woman in coat pout.
Moths ate skirt AND sleeve?
Crotchtacular mess!
Holes with 90′s pagers, yuck!
Still, shoes are SO fab …
Sadly, the smokestick
fails to persuade me that those
stones are cojones.
Great shoes don’t cut it.
See? Moths have attacked your dress!
Try a size up, love.
Matching dress to cig
I stand awed at her homage
The hanging chad lives!
Absorbed in faux-smoke
The flamboyant moths surge ahead:
“Our vision is clear. BOW”
smoke-stick cancer free?
dress,not so lucky! fug fix,
necklace-a-plenty!!
English socialite
why the sullen demeanour …
Looked in a mirror?
smokestick good for lungs
alas crotch weeps blackened tears
don’t drip on hawt shoes
Why holes in her dress?
Instant a/c? Or maybe
Just not enough breeze?
Smoking is so cool
pay attention to me, please
bad choices abound
Hey, what’s the matter?
I really like my hole punch,
Thought I’d start a trend.
Even the cig is fake.
Try to find a real part here-
It’s like Where’s Waldo.
O lady Hervey
I hope those are not leeches
Exiting your dress
English woman, natch
Has Lady in her name, so
Has to show us snatch.
Leggy socialite
She thinks herself stylish but
I think of Swiss cheese
Woman in the background: My god, what on earth?
I miss the days of Ascot.
Bejewelled tip too much!
Bejeweled tip? check.
Dress with holes near the crotch? Check.
My eyes burning? CHECK.
Attention I crave
Up to there ugly dress I wear
My fake cig has bling
huge moths ate your dress
pseudo cigarette bejewelled
a winning combo
Proving once again,
You can be too rich and thin,
to have common sense.
The man in the back
Pretends not to have noticed
The slugs escaping.
If the bag lady
in the background looks appalled
you’ve done something wrong.
Eying the photogs
I’m so rich, you’ll never be
Smoke on that, bitches
If the bag lady
in the background looks appalled
you’ve done something wrong.
Shiny sheet; chest flat.
Victoria! Your carelessness
is your saving grace.
Guitar picks falling
Out of my no-no. Watch out,
Gladiator shoes!
Crotch allllllmost showing,
Skin tight dress randonly ripped,
This is why I starve.
fake cigs and tans
trashy dame/tabloid fodder
sure miss Lady Di
Holes in dress near crotch,
tried to cover up with gems;
Nice stems can’t save her.
Guitar picks falling
Out of my no-no. Watch out,
Gladiator shoes!
she of torn nightgown
collects sea stones what whimsy
smokestik, just the tip.
Lady Hervey: What?
Bejewelled tip, smokes, and holes
“Reflect” on that, bitches!
Nicotine dizzy
Where did I put my hair clips?
Damn this hem is sharp
Pull tabs aplenty
Win new car or STD?
Lady mystery
Fake Ciggie hangs limp
As true socialite flaunts holes
Desperate for fame
fire bejewelled tip
dive into large plate of carbs
then burn that vile dress
Don’t look so smug, Vic
Open flame burned holes in dress
Smokestik’s court ordered
—-
Mussels make poor hems
Asian grandma disapproves
I still want those legs
—-
Fashion or site trend?
Hanging Chad Michael Murray
Two birds with one stone.
—-
Mussels anytime!
Clip to hem: Snack for later!
Ingenious, really.
Horseface upper class
Brought low by wonky fake cig
And dress full of holes
Butts can be a drag
burning holes in fine clothing.
Suck a jeweled tip!
Legs up to her ass
With nepotistic smoke-stick,
She’s the whole package
Party as a job
Nicotine the drug of choice
Can’t heal those dress scabs
Ow! My dress is tight
Crotch ventilation — no help
Wish this smoke was real
look at this monster
made only to fornicate
look at all those holes.
Crotch-rot escapes dress
And they title you “Lady?”
That’s debatable
Jeweled plastic larvae
Clinging to the fake-cig mist
that ripped her shoulder
Small cocktails could rest
on your wee agate coasters.
Too bad you can’t sit.
Too tight to wrinkle,
Too X-rated to sit — Ah,
Nights in white satin!
You can’t sit, can you,
without splitting a seam or
vignetting your crotch?
Hole-punched cream outfit!
True English understatement:
Bai Ling’s would be red.
While clams eat your dress,
You suck a bejeweled fag.
Er… I mean Smokestik.
Holes and skipping stones?
Hope you didn’t pay full price.
And ditch the faux-cig.
My shoulder is cold
As shiny quarters dangle
From my skin-tight skirt
blue tongues slurp crotch holes
nude lips bite bejeweled faux fag
brass stud kicks scare me
Shiny shoes and holes
do not a fab outfit make.
The Smokestik adds class.
Agates on my hem
Match my Smokestik’s bejeweled tip
Can you see my crotch?
Pantyfruits are falling
Out of your dress, crazytown
Do not look so pleased
After Theo’s shirt,
Denise sewed for Lady V
this Gordon Gartrell.
Dress torn and with holes
Nicotine stick bejeweled
Fans eyes averted
Crotchtacular holes,
Cig, crest, sparkly tip. Just needs
Visible nip. Ah.
White dress full of holes
Be careful Lady Hervey
Moths in your closet
Cruella judges:
Fugly bedazzled nightmare,
Tacky faux ciggy.
Try this bejeweled tip:
The Groucho Marx meets hooker
look is so last year.
Holey dress, smoke stick
Bitch behind me, why so glum?
Dude, light me up now…
“Dearest Sienna,
That shortcut to the party
Was a bad idea.”
A cancer free stick
A shiny mini with rips
Now that’s one hip Brit
Avert thine eyes lad
lest my bejeweled tip smite ye
as it has my dress
My crotch is crying
Cigs burned my dress full of holes
Now I use smokestik
and nicotine cried
for the legacy was lost
her bejeweled tip frowned
Carnivore clams climb
My twee-short, lopsided dress
Undaunted, I pose
(Next time can we rhyme, please?)
Hair a disaster
the moths would have been better
chewing on my head.
A busy lady.
So bad that her vagina
Needs it’s own Bluetooth.
Are you in Bedrock?
Fake cigs look just as trashy –
Bejeweled or not, love.
Ash drops through holes in dress,
oh how it burns! What to do?
Design fake cig (duh).
Bahahahahaha she looks like the Lindsay Lohan version of Audrey Hepburn. Sorry Fug Girls, it’s Friday and I’m too tired to do haiku.
Found banner roadside
Turned inside out it’s fashion
Also good for drag
So unladylike
That the lady’s lady parts
Cry the tears of shame
Trashy wedding dress
Too many accessories
Parka girl agrees
exposed vagina
for hungry caterpillar
creates cocoon: Fly!
Precariously dangling, sparkletastic, electro cigarette.
Butterflies eating the hem of your dress.
Bored,swaddled lady beind you.
Her flavor country
has no taste just like her tight
tiny, holy dress
Precariously dangling, sparkletastic, electro cigarette.
Butterflies eating the hem of your dress.
Bored,swaddled lady behind you.
Vicky’s dress highlights
Condoms of a bejeweled
Tip instead of cloth
Geodes on my skirt
Electric fag glows alight
For sore eyes, a sight
“Passage?”–Conductor
“Have you seen my Lady Stick?”
Ticket chads suspire.
No smoke make Lady
mad, you would not like me when
I’m angry. Vic smash!
V Herv what a scurve
Chip clips do not make patches
Cool you are not, Twig
Holy smokes, Marquess!
Bejeweled tip does not distract;
Near crotchtacular.
Short dress in tatters:
Intentional holes — sleeve, skirt.
Smoking without fire.
Hervey pulls a Linds.
Short dress reveals more with holes.
More mirrors, less smoke.
Those shoes that kick ass
Don’t go with that ugly dress
So I’d light up, too.
Aren’t we royals terribly clever?
I’ve attached lighters to my dress holes.
Pish tosh my ciggy’s electric.
Chavvy, tan, skinny Brit
is attracting butterflies
on her lady-bits
oh Victoria,
where there is no smoke you feel
a need to chew what?
I can’t count. Here’s the proper version:
Chavvy, skinny Brit
is attracting butterflies
on her lady-bits
My fag is a fake.
My bloody dress, full of holes.
Blimey! A hot mess.
I am blue shirt man.
I turn away in horror.
Smokestik Scarecrow…Crikes!
Swiss cheese dress warrants
my “see-through” puns: Holy Smokes!
Knights in white satin!
People behind me
My giant shadow will kill
Look away in fright….
If someone tells you
It fits like a second skin
Don’t start shedding it!
Bai Ling & Paris:
“At last! Someone wears a dress
That makes US look good!”
Angling for it, she is.
Rather too obvious, though,
to hang fishing lures?
faux cigarette smoke
blowing through the awkward holes
bejeweled tip? how strange!
Do you have a light?
Must burn more holes in my dress
Others avert eyes
Do you remember
When British nobility
Meant better-than-thou?
They proved they were great
With furs and jewels and ruffles
Conspicuous wealth
I think they still try
But with “tackier-than-thou”
I miss the old days.
Oh Hervey you snore,
Do you ever not wear white?
At least you are clothed.
pre-made holes in dress.
fake cigarette in the mouth.
that bitch is hardcore.
What have we here now?
A holey strumpet smokin’
On a death-token!
Are you kidding me?
Her bejeweled tip be damned.
Lady V not hip.
Dress of parachute
Remnants of plane on her feet
Bad taste survives crash
Terribly clever!
Lighters attached to my holes!
What? It’s electric?
(Revised version of above. At first thought Haiku was 5,7,5 WORDS not syllables.)
Ms. Alex McCord
Sees this dress and says, “Simon?”
“We’re going shopping.”
Oh, Victoria.
Stand right there – really, don’t move.
PLEASE, no hoo-ha pics.
I love the Flinstones:
Check out my worry stone dress!
Take me, Rock Quarry!
***
This ain’t the only
bejeweled tip on my body:
Look right through this hole.
***
Old lady in back:
“I’m no prize in three layers –
Four, with dignity.”
must have been drunk or
hungry fairies gnawed on skirt
left me bedazzled
“Hum, I wonder if this guy behind me has any stones? Hope they are bejeweled”.
A fashion faux pas
Even with non-cigarette
Dress has smokers cough
WHAT you’ve not had flies
Attacking your hem of dress?
Whilst royal fag burns?
Holes on dress are like
shiny butterflies drawn to
incandescent crotch.
Sorry, extra punctuation!
WHAT you’ve not had flies
attacking your hem of dress
whilst royal fag burns?
There. Thanks!
Strange sleeves and good shoes
Cannot distract the fuggers
from “tip and holes” jokes.
Through an ill-placed hole
Is that your crotch I can see?
Yes, I think it is.
Upscale stripper dress
Tacky crested coffin nail
Royals are better?
Dress covered in flint -
check. Ciggy with emblem – check.
Cannot light it?! 0ops!
Stillness in the night
Moth-eaten dress, I await…
The nicotine buzz.
Long legs, Seafood dress
Crazy eyes, Bejewel’d mess
Where’s Billy Idol?
Asymmetrical?
And like how many types of
holes can one girl sport?
Smokeless Lady Vic
Almost showed her nasty bits
Shiny, holey Brit
“So I sez to ‘im:
Wha, ain’t seen a lady smoke?”
Well, you still haven’t.
Wish this cig was real
since my toes are squished in shoes
curled under in pain
Cream colored horror
Bejeweled fake cig is gross
Blond hair is brassy
This fake cigarette
May seem trashy and low class
But it plugs one hole
Filled holes on her hem…
Dog tags? Maybe guitar picks?
Smokestik: distract me!
We don’t want to know
Where the holes are placed on the
Backside of the dress
Just blow into bejewelled tube
And blonde socialite
Inflates to size two
Black tongues hang from holes
Tongue black from blinged fake ciggie
Tongues will wag, V-gal!
Emerged from the sea
Dress eaten by barnacles,
Vic can still party
Miss Lady Hervey
Was feeling quite pervy and
Crotch clams did the trick
Great god, what’s the temp?!!!
Her layers are discrepant
With my fleshly holes.
lady behind me
wears two dresses, I’m confused
thank gawd I distract
Autumn comes: the leaves
fall, weeping tears of acid
onto her skirt’s hem.
Acid rain descends
Inflames the socialite crotch
Smokescreen cannot hide
Skirt so short and tight
It’s no wonder there are holes;
So not smokin’ hot.
“smoking a Smokestik”
“her family crest on it”
“a bejewelled tip”
Here’s a bejewelled tip:
Gladiator shoes, holed-dress;
Two wrongs are not right!
look away from the tranny
smoking unaware
all of the duct tape has slipped
My breasts are covered
And cutting down on the smokes
Mid-thirties scares me
jealous cross dresser covets
crotchtacular holes
so convenient to pee
Oh honey no, no
Like Lemony Snicket, this
is unfortunate.
Shipwrecked, starved, and torn
Sleeve barely hangs on, like hope;
Leg tumors rip holes.
Rock-tumbler dress with
pearl-necklace noose and she’s still
upstaged from behind.
hungry blonde famewhore
brings bejeweled shame to fam. crest
“smoke on THAT, bitches!”
No these holes are not
Made by my plastic ciggy
Deal with it bitches
the holes in her dress
like the empty space left when
cherry blossoms fall
She bares her skin as
earth will soon bear winter as
we bear having seen
(Traditionally, haikus reference a season.)
smoking fugly in
basic (or unbasic) white
Hervey WTF
Satin draped orange
Flesh flashes and gasps a breath,
*cough* – inhaled a stone.
by Forever Twelve
Balmain’s holey T
meets frugal fashionista
She DIY’d it
Shipwrecked navy nurse,
How clever that you should match:
Barnacle to shoe.
Oh no, leggy blonde,
With your sparkly smoke stick on
…we’re close to seeing thong
Fake cig hangs from her
lip, and chads hang from her hip,
but I love those shoes.
Avert you eyes now!
concave chest covered, bonus
shoes are not bad though.
—————————–
Shiny and holey,
I mean that dress and not her,
no one is looking.
—————————–
This dress costs how much?
the 80′s called. Send back dress!
Lady, you crazy!
So long, tall and glam
Her fake-smoke cig? What a sham
It’s good to be rich
Stones falling gently
Smoke-stick plunged in stylist’s heart
Miss Hervey, unfugged
Sateen pillowcase
draped over tan cadaver.
Crotch screams: “FISHMARKET”.
Crest of snow leopard
Equals elegant. So does
Their droppings on hem.
She still loves this dress
Victoria does not care
That moths chewed it up
Rich girl recycles
A tampon applicator
Classy as the dress
Bejeweled tip meets
rocky lady-holes. Concep-
tion: Mineral fug.
Lips kiss bejewelled tip
While bugs flutter futher South
Lady is Ladette
With glory-hole dress
A new kind of “fag” hag struts
Buggery bollocks!
Bad choices. Maybe
“accidentally sexy”
is a royal perk?
She’s leading the way
“hot mess never out of style!”
See her battle scars?
All the world now knows
I dress in House of Funke
Almost Never-Nude
Pebbles: The Teen Years
Audition in Five Minutes
Smokestik looks teen-esque?
Oh my God, my dress!
Exterminator needed:
please apply “within.”
Can’t understand why
Clever smoking invention
Won’t keep moths at bay
A dress weeps agate
Supperating wounds of quartz
the bystanders cringe
Vic Puffs Smokeless Fame
Weighted Dress Holds Down Stick Frame
Try the Patch Instead.
Crotch butterflies seen
Attacking a smokeless vamp
Ignored by strangers
Damn crotch fire hem holes!
Making my shame visable.
Is that a black penis?
Lady MisHeardVey
Hems her dress with “stripping stones”
Told Olga “get tent”
Oh Lady Hervey!
You and your bejewelled tip
need to be gone quick!
Smoke clouds Vic’s judgement
Or has “stones” to pull this off
Or tan gone to head
white xpandex, full of holes
Behold!
for not all that glitters is gold
sliced turtleneck and
bowl of D. Keat’s beach stones in
Something’s Gotta Give
Bejeweled tip burned
through my crotch. Therefore I birth
a litter of stones.
A smokestick and a
dress: unexpected damage.
It burns bright — and short.
Oh, Lady, so coy.
You’ve put peep holes in your dress.
Smokin’? I think not!
Guy in back can’t look
Afraid he might catch a glimpse
Through her gyno ports
Inexorably,
My own self-worth has lifted,
“At least I wear clothes.”
Skinny Lady Vic
Sucks her sparkly cancer stick
Tattered dress, vile pick
Lady seems to think
Her lady-bits need airing
I hate to think why
Leeches hanging on
Money burning holes in things
I’d smoke, too, lady.
===
Lovely Lady V
You ooze a certain something…
Let’s pretend it’s charm
On way back from romp
With claws-bared Wolverine.
Wait, why do you ask?
Stretched satin ballot
With hanging chads aplenty
I cast my vote: no
Lady, “peerage” does
not mean squinting into holes
for Vicky’s secrets.
Paillette bees consume
Smokeless fag deters no sing
Whither my right sleeve?
Shoes to be envied
to distract you from my dress.
Ash burns, but no more!
Oh royal lady,
See how older matron scowls?
You may need more clothes.
You can’t see my chest
As you can usually
Yet I still lack class
No soul to fill the
empty holes. Bejewelled tip
does not ignite. Sleeve.
Can’t buy a peerage?
Toke these family jewels.
Puff on it, bitches!
Lady V boasts, “I’ve
got more holes than you, serf — and
I stuff mine with rocks!”
Buckingham staff try
their best not to notice her –
Prince Harry’s hooker.
Ah, what wealth can’t buy:
A white dress with holes does not
A whole dress make, V.
Cigarette too long.
Dress melts away like burning film.
I am only thirty two?
Smug visage, pursed lips
Anchor a bejeweled tip
Lady irony
Crap – when did “only” start being 2 syllables? Let’s try again, shall we?
Cigarette too long.
Dress melts away like burning film.
I’m only thirty two?
Shotgun wedding bride
Will break her wedding vows for
Fifty bucks an hour
See those butterflies
Fixing the holes in my dress?
It’s nice to be rich.
Vicky, you whack Brit.
Holes? Really? But it spangles!
Could be worse, methinks.
Rocks can’t fill dress-holes.
Even the woman in two
dresses is judging.
No time for gyno?
It’s ok- just wear this dress.
Vagine now on view!
Dress of hanging chads
Nicotine-less cigarette?
Sure it’s not a spit-ball tube?
Listen now, minions!
There’s a new Victoria
To take the fug crown.
Tall fake cancer stick
With noxious gas melts ashen
Satin. Just got burned. (boo-yeah)
Heather, Jessica:
Have you any idea
What you’ve wrought? Hundreds?!
Private crustaceans?
Gnawing their way to freedom?
I would fake-smoke too.
So I’m just a guy.
Yeah, over here in the jeans.
She is not my date.
Where did you get that?
But let’s look on the bright side
We can’t see your ribs!
i am so clever
filled holes with shiny metal
celebrate with smoke
Oh Smoking Lady
With strangely long fake ciggie
Showing holes to the paps
A night on the town
with a High Fashion Leper
Her Fugscorts can’t wait!
O thou Chandelier!
Draped with rocks–social stratum;
Lighting up for show.
Desperately Seeking
the key to the locker that opens
the door with my pants.
I forgot my name last time:
Desperately Seeking
the key to the locker that opens
the door with my pants.
Lady Fugdornment
wears her dress of ciggie holes
and her poker face
Holey, guitar-picked fug.
Smokestik jewels. Smug face? For shame.
Not fair to hot shoes.
Perfect shoes. No match
For that matchless cigarette.
Rocky crotch? Lace? No.
So much for my spelling…
Holed, guitar-picked fug.
Smokestik jewels. Smug face? For shame.
Not fair to hot shoes.
It’s not what you think.
The “cigarette” dispenses
antibiotics.
“Inhale. Pebbles kiss
my strong zenlike thighs. Exhale.
Dress looks like cheese. Shit.”
Waiting for the bus
How much longer must we wait
While crazy “smokes” on
Oh please “Lady” no
Posh posh smug desperation
Really gets tiresome
Just a few days left
on your Advent calendar
dress. Hang in there, kid.
Sorry, this isn’t haiku, but so many of these just crack me up:
LLINNYC: “wee agate coasters”
J Alexandra: “True English understatement:
Bai Ling’s would be red.”
Julia: “Exterminator needed:
please apply within.”
Heather: “You ooze a certain something –
let’s pretend it’s charm.”
Molly: “Lady, ‘peerage’ does not mean…”
OKCKATE: “condoms near point of entry” and “fishing lures”…
And that’s just a few. Y’all really brightened my day. Thanks.
That SmokeStik is wack
A massive one must have singed
those floppy dress holes
Oh NO Lady Vic
Puff on your bejewled tip
Pebble hem is FUG
Left house quite quickly.
Smokestik? Really? I think not.
I’m betting toothbrush.
Avert your eyes, Man.
Lady Vic is 8 feet tall.
In a dress size small.
Lady Vic Hervey’s
dress has many barnacles.
Distracts from cankles.
Puffing on a butt
As leeches suck at my hem
Have you got a light?
This “lady” oozes
bejeweled tips on how to
reach maximum fug.
your shoes are right on
your dress sucks as much as your
smokeless cigarette
Rotting tongues poke out
From holes like acid remnants…
Perhaps they are tears?
Uh-oh!!! redo of my original which had 5-7-5 WORDS.
Dangling a cigarette.
Butterflies attack my hem.
Should’ve had a V8.
Title, yes. Taste, no.
Shredded schmata drips leeches.
Also? Eat something.
Coy as you may be
a moldy swiss cheese border
does not a hem make.
Tragic Lady Vic
Those legs cannot save you now
Your dress burns from shame.
Holes, Smokestick and all,
In this photo, Vick’s not quite,
The worst dressed woman.
Huge granny panties
stretched, torn and trimmed to make dress
are never stylish.
————————-
Lady H trendset:
“Mussels on my Cockle Dress!”
“Huh? Cocktail Dress? D’oh!”
———————————-
Senseless Lady H
wore fingernails to the quick
tearing holes in dress.
———————————-
T-REX said: “Never mind the “Lady I want to know what is going on with the older woman behind her who is wearing a parka over her nightgown over her ballgown.”
T, she caught my eye too, and inspired this:
Fur-trimmed noblesse. Scorn
with envy. Will coat-shoe trade
to hide Hervey’s holes.
This frock’s atrocious
Makes Lo’s leggings seem OK
Fugs, see what you’ve done
A walking Smokestick
Feel free to butt out on me
Just along the hem!
Message to Hervey:
Please tell Yank Gwyneth Paltrow
She is not British.
LOL bad dress
She pretends not to notice
But snickers persist
Looks like Gooperbell
Sewed Lady Hervey’s shadow
To her shiny shoes
Smokestick in my mouth
Couple of holes near my crotch
I’ll pee standing up!
Cold Lady Hervey
Not amusing that lady
In formal parka
Do you need a match?
Nay, not for your fake ciggy,
I meant for your dress
Nicotine thermometer
and crotchtastic holes;
baked, encased, a lady made?
Is your dress crying?
Did Eskimo Endora
Tell it like it is?
Guitars gently weep
As the picks dangle from her
Tight, shiny hemline
Is it legal to smoke something wider than yourself?
Hol(e)y smokes! And dress!
Even velvet-and-nightgown
Behind you sneers “No.”
Not nearly as fug
as the woman behind her.
Crazy head to toe.
dear ms. vic, i think
you have holes in bad places,
please fire your stylist.
pigeon-toed she stands
in her pigeon-bitten dress
hope it’s flammable
your dress makes me sad
you leggy British weirdo
now I need Happy Hour
satin disaster,
stones fall from your crannies, and
I don’t want to look.
Congrats, Lady H.
Norma Desmond behind you
Thinks *you* look insane.
take a second look
no tiara or big bows
could be much much worse
Overcoat, nightgown
and still no attention, sigh
better luck next time
Your dress is so tight
Did those diamonds round your neck
Come from your behind?
Why why why why why?
Why why why why why why why?
Oh, you’re a fame whore.
behold denim patch fail
the hot glue and jewels, alas
face will stick like that
Oops cant count. Revision:
holes denim patch fail
the hot glue and jewels, alas
face will stick like that
don’t worry everyone
i love this dressing
down
with apologies to Issa
A hole here, tear there
Stones are falling everywhere
not to mention, short
Deconstructed by
Wet gemstones, at last I am
The bejewelled tip!
Michael Jackson’s ghost
seething behind “Lady V”:
One SLEEVE’s not one glove
Girl, take that smokestick
Use it to clean out your ears
They’re laughing at you
[adden-dumb:
you will note the, ah, shadow [i think] plaster-shopped behind the Lady.]
Aquiline nose job
Her crotch is made of money
Can I get a light?
Platinum blond spanx
“cigarette” clenched in the teeth
Ripped and stained – epic fail
Look what I can do!
Burn holes in silky bedsheets
With a pseudo cig
not a dress but a
wordless sign stolen from a
fence. recycling.
Lady of shortness,
Moths seem to flit about your crotch.
Pray, eat a sandwich.
(from the point of view of the kind gentleman in the background).
She likes tongues mauling
her… do I really want a
ride on Vic’s Smokestik?
Smokestik is jaunty,
Ventilated dress not so.
Your shoes can’t save you.
__________________________
I see two Fugstiks.
One is safe for the workplace,
the other is not.
__________________________
A bejewelled tip:
recycled aluminum
goes not on a dress.
Passers by, beware:
Crotch-skimming vermin attack!
It’s too late for her.
Bejeweled stick of death
Black slugs attack hem and crotch
Must extract my eyes
The Craft – Part Seven
Wardrobe by Bai Ling. Hover!
Robin Tunney drives
rock weighted air vents
in all the right places like
under your arm pit?
Chastity thong lost.
Mesmerized bugs crawl heav’nward,
seeking her bejeweled tip.
______________________
Torn, tanned, traumatic -
watchers turn from lady
as she sucks in death.
Bejeweled Tips and Holey Slips
Me Lady I suspects your molting
The Empires on its knees
with or without cig
girl has clearly gotten stoned
great legs try in vain
Smokestik makes me “hot”
Need air for my lady bits
Hence, holes in my dress.
Dress got in a fight
With a hole-punch last Tuesday
So ugly. Wow. *puke*
Tried repairing holes
Could not, ripped sleeve in a fury
Really though, my shoes rock.
stone massage to go?
lady stage right looks how i
feel: confused and cold
Best idea ever ladies…
Poor little rich girl,
have you no friends to help you?
You’re a joke. Please. Fade.
One is embarrassed
The other she disapproves
Whore thine dress is crap
am stunned, humbled and
hilarified by fugwits
life now worth living
cigs come with WARNINGS
so should this dress, just say no
bright side – shoes are cute
Barbie? She is not
Reason? No boobs, bad habits
Ken? Look away, dude
Crossed arms behind me
I suck on my bejewelled tip
Your disdain is lost
Too rich and too thin
The dress is tight, white, and odd
Lady V needs help.
hanging chads fashion
pays homage to ann coulter?
thin stick confirms it
lovely legs, my god!
must you invite my pap smear?
Disappear, ass-hat!
that was fun!
Gladiatrix heels
Clash with smoking ad circa
1988.
White thermometer
Registers molten fever
Melts holes in snow dress
Don’t look so grumpy -
Though my dress has lithic holes
You’ve layered nightgowns
Lady bits covered
No bejewelled tips for you
Need a guitar pick?
I may be drunk
But this is still very fug.
Why is she famous?
Oral fixation
Milady’s a bedazzled mess
Trollop lollipop
So tacky Lady Vic
says the fur-collared icy stare
Too cool for words? Not.
Tobacco take flight
Like the rare bejewelled tip moth
I feast on fabric
What are those things that
are coming out of her dress?
Really? What the hell?
Butterflies are free
Unless attached to my crotch
To hide lady bits
white’s just too simple
fashion via cheap mothball
coitus or ashtray
I don’t know why you
are looking at me like that.
Have I got a spot?
I don’t know why you
are looking at me like that.
Have I got a spot?
Fug be a lady
With smug face she sucks her jewels
to her holy crotch
No one looks at you
to claim fug dominance, so
you have clearly won.
—
Oh Victoria,
like discarded bottlecaps
that hem just sparkles.
—
Imposing, smokeless,
bejewelled melodrama.
Such a jaunty pose!
lips grasp stiff fake fag
crotch covered by hanging chads
one more peerage ho
Attacked by hole punch
Smokestik least offensive thing
Please dye my roots now
Blonde slattern of night
Your royal tear of a dress
Bespeaks no stylist
Which came first, Vicki?
Those holes or the thigh piercings?
No one here approves.
Bejewelled tip? Come on.
Joke practically writes itself.
A hint, though: penis.
I broke out my rock
tumbler for this! GEO-
LOGY, kids. Live it.
***
These holes at my hem
bare my soul, and maybe crotch.
But I’ve got a crest!
alone stands hervey
bejeweled tips are pervey
money can’t kill bugs
I am royalty
My jewels are mother of pearl
Am I not precious?
Usually nude
Now my dress is short with holes
Still need a sandwich
___________________________________________
Clothing I’ve eschewed
Stuck with a vengance to the
Helpless bystander
___________________________________________
Lady lost a dare
Had to wear kids’ art project
Pillowcase and rocks
___________________________________________
Stones hanging from holes
In my short, tight, one-sleeve dress
Seemed a good idea
___________________________________________
My dress has gangrene
Draw attention to Smokestik
Not working too well
___________________________________________
What is she smoking
Through the bejewelled tip to think
This look is stylish
___________________________________________
Don’t care what you do
Can’t believe your ladybits
Are “holy,” nice try
“DIY with Lady Victoria Hervey”
Pewter tatters lend
pizzaz to your pillowcase!
Close, but no cigar.
Another (more convoluted) attempt:
asymmetry’s “in”
percolated pewter fringe…
avant-garde, plus some.
Just for good measure:
Where was her stylist?
Apparently, perusing the
bedding department.
Early Halloween
Spandex zombie with leeches
Please give her some brains
~~~~~
Clearly her Smokestik
Contains more than nicotine
Nothing else makes sense
Lank hair extensions
are the least of your troubles.
Need much attention?
Mauled by a beaver
Your Christmas toes are fugly
Can I have a drag?
While faking smoking
Pillowcase is not working
To fend bugs off crotch.
Crabs: so plebian
I’ve got mussels, my darling
You know i’m smoking
Does it hurt your ass
When you sit on the pebbles
that poke through your dress?
Little hole-punchers
Gone so awry – attacking my soul
But not my smokestik.
Crabs: so plebian
I’ve got mussels, my darling
You know i’m smoking
Crotchtacular dress
The stick thing clouds her judgment
Shiny hair cures all
No. no Lady Vic!
No wonder you’re gaunt – we EAT
Mussels, not WEAR them!
————–
That’s right – smoked mussels
Come snatch them up while I’m hot!
Noblesse oblige, etc.
No. no Lady Vic!
No wonder you’re gaunt – we EAT
Mussels, not WEAR them!
————–
That’s right – smoked mussels
Come snatch them up while I’m hot!
Noblesse oblige, etc.
Flaunting her goodies
And smoking her jewelry
Passers-by can’t look.
Nicotine machine
Your sweet drug fills all the holes
in my dress and soul
or
The urban jungle
rends my dress beyond repair
man, I need a smoke
Slugs is the new crabs
- I design STDs too
Don’t be jealous, Paris
Kitschy Lady Vic
hired Project Runway’s rejects
to construct a mess.
I have two!
Here’s a tip, though it’s
not bejeweled: Dear lady,
You’re missing some cloth.
A cunning plan to
Designate an area:
“Non-Smokin’”, indeed.
cliff climb from the sea
dress tattered now; those Bond girls
made it look simple
no matter how short
you can never have enough
ventilation holes
fug girls won’t notice
too busy with the two-dress
nightmare to my right
Mackie took a pass.
Mattel thought outside the box;
Smokin’ Skank Barbie.
It may not be chic,
But to wear a dress like this,
You’ve got to have stones.
I BURN for fashion
silk met real cigarette
I’m smoking, but not
*This is perhaps unhealthily fun.*
The family crest
And the Lady moniker
Are mocked by bad taste
Lady she is not
With bejewelled tips, holey clothes
And stones on her crotch
1) Wanting to ensure
New Fug Madness candidate
Miss O’Day’s dog chews
2) Yes, her dress has holes
Yet provides more coverage
Than she is used to
3) I always thought that
Hole-punchers were for paper
Closed-minded am I!
4) Oh, Lady Hervey!
You might want to consider
Buying some mothballs
grand lady vic sucks
on bejewelled fake cig stick
gives my eyes cancer
WTF (That’s ‘double you tee eff’. See what I did there?)
Dude, that’s really not ok
Wacky, dangly bits
Here’s two more ..
Hole-y child of God
Prithee defend thy crazy
and thy stick of shame
I see Paris, I
see France, I think I can see
her underpants … no
Lady behind me
is wearing a fur-lined coat
and two whole dresses.
Hemmed with hanging chads,
but no controversy here.
First lady of fug.
Look at my SmokeStik:
its’ bejewelled tip can burn fake
holes in any dress
“Baby, light my fire”
Took wing to fashion vision:
A bejeweled tip!
“Baby, light my fire”
Took wing to fashion vision:
A bejeweled tip!
“Baby, light my fire”
Took wing to fashion vision:
A bejewelled tip!
Medieval shoes
Imprisoning my feet so
God I need a smoke
Smoking is not big
And certainly not clever
But it beats this dress, right?
Hallowe’en lantern
Descend from above and knock
These threads right off me
Dear Lady Vic
Title all well and good but
Stylist lacking, yes?
Let me just preface this by saying that I am a Hervey, and that particular use of the family crest is…personal.
Thine famewhoring lips
ought rather be sucking those
hem-eating mussels.
Jeweled crested Smokestik
distracted me from nibbling.
Crotch and boobs: hol(e)y smoke!
Lady Victory
A remarkable triumph
In the war on taste
Onlookers take heed
of my beetle-torn garment
I do this for you.
My mother told me
To behave like a lady
Little did she know.
Scary lady with smokestick
If you dont smoke sigarettes
What are those holes from?
Oh, did I mis-hear
you? You didn’t say to rock
out with my rocks out?
Remember those little “Office Playground” zen gardens that you can get for your desk? Her dress reminds me of them, only sideways, so here are two haiku in their honor:
Office Playground: wee
rock garden sprouts around her
crotch. The zen of fug.
Office Playground: wee
zen garden sprouts around her
crotch. Needs tiny rake.
Space-age cig. Tiny
meteorites orbit her
crotch-holes. Cosmic fug.
loving my faux fag
after a day of swimming
about old Leech Lake
Haiku for Lady Victoria Hervey
Who is this ‘Lady’
whose hem and sleeve confound me?
I must look away.
A second entry – couldn’t help thinking about it more!
It truly takes stones
to wear such a dress and smoke
self-branded fake cigs
Last fug: be-sheered nips -
fried eggs in the gloaming. Now:
v-jay rips, bling-tips.
Oh, Lady V’s V
is quite nearly on display…
Coquette of our times.
No, they’re not roaches.
They are spare fishing lures, duh.
My new angling dress.
Check yourself, Ms. V,
I think your va-jay-jay is
leaking rocks down there.
Check yourself, Ms. V,
I think your va-jay-jay is
leaking rocks down there.
Holes near her hoo ha,
hem hiked up nigh to her waist,
this ‘lady’ lacks taste.
Great Halloween dress!
Charlie Brown’s holey ghost sheet
and his rock treats, too.
Dress with holes, ew; but
can’t ignore her height, she looks
stretched like Mike Teavee!
If I can’t win this
I vote for Callahan’s poem
“Mount Callgirl Haiku.”
Ventilated dress
Classy is as classy does
Must have a ciggy
Well, I just figured -
If I can bejewel Smokestiks
Why not my crotch too?
Lady Victoria
with euphoria
you are the new whoria
One Royale SmokeStik(TM)
Plus one ventilated crotch
Mother must be proud
or maybe:
Halloween homage
Charlie Brown’s holey ghost sheet
and his rock treats, too.
delicious smokestik
tell me your divine secrets
o’ dress eating gem
What the hell is that,
bedazzling her va-jay-jay?
Humiliation.
Need more syllables
To convey fugliness of
Holey bejewelled dress
What the hell is that,
bedazzling her va-jay-jay?
Humiliation.
Obviously sad,
her friends could not gaze upon
her bejeweled tips.
Dude in back distracts,
He won’t look at you either
I dont blame the guy.
one shoulder falling
just as little denim tongues
gasping for air, flee!
Nicotine machine
Marlboro Man in drag
Money can’t buy class
Youth fades, built-in dress
weights fail, but diamonds are
Forever 21.
Sport bejewelled faux cigs?
I shan’t, sans burn holes to match.
Scissors and stones, please!
Designed a fake cig
because last time I wore this
I burned holes in it.
Snow leopard cig child
Tight white rock-hung holes signal
Cougar-in-training
Pebbles from Heaven
Smooth and flinty as her gaze
Softer than her mouth
The dragon spew it
Out came a sallow wallow
Hurt the beholder
Before lighting up
Lady should have remembered
Moths are drawn to flame
Slow-moving Hervey
Mussels have attached themselves
To her dress’s hem.
Stead’ly they migrate
Further and further toward it –
Her bejewelled tip.
How will she make it?
What could possibly save her?
A secret weapon?!!
Yes! Her orange spray tan:
“Agent Orange” for sea creatures;
They’ll melt in their tracks.
Oh! Lady Hervey!
Your crest and tip are safe now…
But your dress is fug.
Her milky way hides
Encircled by Saturn’s ring
Lucky there’s no moon
But soft! what moths cross
Lady V’s crotch doth flit whilst
she sucks her smokestik?
News Flash, Lady Vic
Sucking on that fug Smokestik
Still gives you wrinkles.
Studs and stones may make
You groan; but smoking diamonds
Will never hurt me
Vulgar oral bling!
At least smoke would drive moths from
Lady’s pits and crotch.
Blue strings for jewelry?
Dress made of spandex and rocks?
Tough times all over.
Easy access dress
Post-coital smoke on standby
Bejewelled tip goes here
Blue strings for jewelry?
Dress made of spandex and rocks?
What IS she smoking?
Bejewlled and smoking
Speaking of the niccotine
Not Victoria
This dress is bad, true.
At least it’s not that stupid
Foot-eating jumpsuit.
Shadow lurks behind
As gloomy as lung cancer
Hem gave up already
She wore the jumpsuit
twice. Saw sternum, but not feet.
This dress? Not so bad.
Smokesticks, the joke-sticks,
Makes lotsa holes in my dress,
Which short to start with.
Smokesticks, the joke-sticks,
Make lotsa holes in my dress,
Which short to start with.
(Sorry, caught grammatical error, so please use this entry! Thank you!)
seriously, I can’t stop.
Project Runway task:
Charlie Brown inspiration:
Halloween entry.
A backward Venus
no goddess she, nibbled by
ravenous bivalves
Thin, rich, smug and fug,
Hotel key in hem somewhere!
Gitanes are for wimps.
what a gilded reed!
beach pebbles stick to her skin;
the fire gone soggy
Cigarette drops ash
Dress melts like snow in L.A.
Ha! Ha! Smokestick rules!
After many tries
And some unfortunate holes
Look! A better cig!
Mean thug in the park
Stole my bra, threw me the dress
Would kill for a cig.
Crazed without my smokes
Big knife, nice dress, loony me
Ah! All better now.
Faux-king – I’m still cool!
Trying the cut-out trend but
commitment phobic.
Big shadow stalking
out her lady cave is dropping
razor sharp guitar picks
*revision!*
Big shadowy stalker
out her lady cave is dropping
razor sharp guitar picks
Swathed in hanging chads
Lady Vic and her Smokestik
Bystanders feel pain
O, fair damsel, how
Thou tattered dress, pseudo cig,
Friends who look away
Don’t need companions
Nor tobacco, nor whole dress
Just a bejeweled tip
Had we but world, time
That outfit, Lady, were no -
Oh hell, yes it is.
I’m so mystified
A winter coat or holey mini?
“Ladies” don’t get cold
The Lady Hervey
O’erwhelmed by oral pleasure
Satan is Ol’ Nick
Shine, rock collection
No ciggy smoke diversion
But what’s with those shoes?
Hot stones burn my dress
As cool smoke fills my lungs
Caged feet breathe freely
Hemline crystals gleam
Holey skirt! Medieval shoes!
Nice legs! … but smoking?
Aloof, I gaze at
Peons who can only pray
To caress my scales.
Coloured light blazes
Smoky distraction hazes
My eyes … oh, my eyes
I am a Smokestik,
with vastly more un-bejeweled
holes, all smoke: no fire.
and please allow me to say that this is much better distraction than facebook at work on Saturday night! (Luckily, I’m the boss!)
This makes my head hurt
At least I can’t see her nips
Please eat a sandwich!
Peasant behind me
Lose the hideous parka
Too bad you’re not me!
Lady inventor
Installed speed holes in her dress,
Now it goes faster.
Hervey, Villainess,
Smoke blinds senses: sight, good taste
Holy crotch, Batman!
Sat on Zen Garden
Can Only Summarize That
Stupidity Rocks
Not sure if quitting
Smoking really helps
If jewels hang from there.
Some choose to shun me
In gladiator sandals
Like the man behind
Guitar pick attack
Why won’t bystanders help her?
Fake cig still stinky.
My, how smug you look
Like a cat that just swallowed
a black canary
The moths that ate your
Satin pillowcase flee south.
They fear the Smokestik.
Woman to my left
Hear me! One skirt shall suffice
You got a light? Wait…
Rats. I made my entry and then read that the SmokeStik is “practically odorless.” But as someone who works in an office where perfumes/scented lotions/etc are banned due to one person’s allergies, I’m not sure I believe that.
Lady’s Cigs: Stay Thin.
Tarted, Tatty; Queen Forgive?
Holey Frock….Come In!
Smoking, disheveled.
Did someone lose a room key
In my crotch area?
I kind of like this
But then again, you can guess
what’s in my Smokestick
A very hungry
Caterpillar ate my dress
Also giant, no?
“I’ve lost ‘It’, innit?
But I used to be well fit.
Light me fag, ya git.”
I really hope that
Ash bugs at crotch level not
Smokestick side effect.
Last girl to wear dress
attacked by sharks: girl perished,
dress not so lucky.
Good luck picking a winner, Fug Girls. There’s gold in them thar haikus.
You have a talented following…
Suck on fake fag stick
Unfortunate ‘holey’ mess!
Her Fugliness reigns.
With her weird ciggy,
crotch rocks, and costume jewels,
Lady IS the tramp.
Oh Victoria
A moth drawn to flameless fag
To your holey dress
Family crest on fag
Should have worn a hessian bag
Tryhard makes bai gag
(bai aka lovable bai ling)
Clearly she is very stoned.
Grin and bear it smirk is moaned,
crestfallen bejewelled family groans on
Ciggies burned my crotch.
My big toe is enormous.
Look, I’m a giant.
I can see your flesh
Through the holes in thy dress
Bless Smokestick, jewels, crest.
Ugh. I know, I know…
I know what you’re gonna say.
I’ve got a huge toe.
Smoking Euro-trash
Too many times the dress was
Used as an ashtray.
Holes show true soul, see:
Smoker’s Queen puffs crown-like rings
Addicts will praise thee
Bystanders beware
No second hand smoke that kills
Dress may cause cancer
Bedraggled you look.
Was it shrapnel that got you?
Who are you again?
Sell your stock in Bic
And Knight addicts with your stick
“here she comes! Kneel, QUICK!
Shallow she is not
For the smokers, health is sought
Holds single Stick bought
A Lady you are?
Smoking and that fugly dress?
You could have fooled me.
The sharp clavicle
Is no claim to fame. Next step
Smokestick? I think not.
Inhale and prevail,
But we literally see,
Your Silver Lining
Cig in hand, she says
Is worth two in bush.
Literally, we can see.
Defiant, she glares
Dress asunder, mouthstik stuk
Others look away
Who is this person?
Why do we care about her?
Where art thou, K. Dunst?
I vote for christine
On the big toe she was keen
Laughs, her poem brings
In rhymes I am now thinking…
Writing Fug haikus
Addictive as nicotine
Curse you Heather, Jess!
Look away! he said
to Antonio’s mother
Vic married a stream.
I obviously can’t count, so 2 re-submits (if that’s allowed?):
Dangling like fall leaves
Condoms near point of entry
Clever idea!
She’s angling for it!
Rather too obvious, though,
to hang fishing lures?
MY DEAR LADY VIC
HERE’S A BEJEWELED TIP:
WE DON’T NEED PEEPHOLES
Lady Vic’s Smokestik:
New interpretation for
“Suck on that beyotch!”
Black nails, giant toes
Seem to stare through glory holes.
Gams can’t save bleached horse.
Cig and crotch blinged out
Fairy godmom in back says
Sewing mice my foot
Lady behind Herv:
“Here’s a ‘bejeweled tip’, dear:
Burn all but the shoes.”
OR
No way to unfug
No, straight to the rubbish bin
Go dress, cig, and smirk.
If I can’t win myself, I want to put in a vote for the “dress that vomits roaches” — best line of the bunch IMHO…
OKCKate says
Smokestik antibiotics
I LMAO.
I should at least get
Honorable Mention for
Haiku-style comments.
Dropped my SmokeStick on
my lap. Call me socialite
slash designer now.
Lady, smoke a cig
Bejeweled tips elevate
Trash to comedy
Fine, okay? No one
bought my line of craft-punched silk
gowns. Ergo: Smokestick!
Post-smoking I find
A tip with crest counteracts
Bits of lung on dress
Didn’t know Lacy Vic was of the Amazon tribe, that’s the only way to explain the fact that she’s 2 1/2 taller than the rest of society and the fact that her shadow satys 6″ behind her at all times. I’ve heard that Amazons are warring with the smurfs, so that explains the blue trophies sewn to her tribal dress and victory cigarette. That being said, nice gams!
To kick the habit,
She took up sewing at home.
Thus the tawdry shift.
And…
Fame whores act as though
the public has paid to see
a tacky strip show.
Carnivorous beasts
Eat hem of your dress, no really.
Your home time I think.
ew ew ew ew ew.
your dress, my dear, is ugly.
did i mention ew?
clam migration north
tiny teeth eat dress away
wait–do clams have teeth?
You must be joking.
What on Earth were you thinking?
My eyes must implode.
It grieves me to look.
I will peek through my fingers
at the hot, blond mess.
Ab Fab would be proud.
Cankled, baked and on display;
the spotlight betrays.
It is too easy
to mock an obvious mess.
Wish I had her cash.
Crotchtastic holes and
nicotine thermometer;
a lady (un)made.
“Bejeweled fugly”
is how I would describe her.
Who are the Hobbits?
My time is now done
Can’t waste anymore on her
Whoever she is.
Vicki: XYZ
(Like, all eleven of them),
PDQ. Trust me.
Wait there is one more:
Please turn into a zombie
So I can shoot you.
Christ, my day is shot
Can’t seem to forgive this wreck
for that fugly dress.
Just one more I swear:
Her stylist needs a new brain
And a sewing kit.
(All my love to Heather and Jessica for making me think like this. And finding new and creative ways for me to waste my time. All my love!)
It isn’t my fault
I’m in costume for a film
About killer rocks
Who attack clothing
And can only be stopped with
Strange little blow-guns
Shoulder falling off
Rocks are shooting from my crotch
Please help me Fug Girls
Clothes disintegrate…
Behind, a spare dress awaits -
Help a sister out!
A smoke, my kingdom
For a smoke – is that a bic
Upon my hem – NOOOOO
What’s up Kelly Lynch?
You ripped your dress in a brawl
At Swayze’s Roadhouse?
Smokestik health warning:
“Known to suppress appetite,
Burns holes in clothing”
A dress cries stone tears
For fabric it loved and lost
strangers avert eyes
No haiku from me
But I bet you didn’t think
That there would be 600 of these!
It has no smoke; so
How did it burn all of those
Holes in your outfit?
I thought I could win.
But it’s like eBay on here….
The best poems are last.
Something fishy here;
This awful holey dress has
Sardines peeking out!
So sorry Marcia.
I’ve had too much time to think
about this dumb blond.
(HA! You knew I couldn’t just leave it at 8!)
Hole-y or HOLY?
My fat ass she’s a virgin.
A virgin to class…
Weegee dame looks on
As equine blue blood ignores
Ryan of Office
She rides the short bus
You can tell by how she looks
Kinda of nucking futs.
doesnt deserve haiku
haikus are about beauty
i see only trash
She’s also wearing
Green eyeshadow. Just thought I’d
Point that out to y’all.
Oh, Liz. I’m up to
Fifteen. Start a 12-step club;
I’m your first member.
Expensive dress with
Condoms hanging from the shreds?
No-class upper crust
British royal scag
thin lips suck a homemade fag
bum dress also slag
I like Squeeze as much
As the next girl. A dress based
On their song? No, thanks.
If it makes this dress
seem appropriate, we should
all smoke sapphires too.
I am stinkin’ rich
Skinny, blonde, jewel encrusted
Your words mean nothing.
She dons tacky dress
and smokes bejeweled faux fag
Aristo no more
Oral fixation
flaunted, with too-tight schmatte.
That is no lady.
Fickle, inbred friend…
You are so wholly HOLE-y,
Your “Lady” parts weep.
Faux cig and bad dress
both sport rocks, but I shall cast
a stone of my own
Jacoll, your haiku is great!
the cigarette said,
I’m not getting blamed for this–
it’s on you, Smokestik!
bedazzle-me Vic
jewels-a-crusty. Smell that?
ladies close their legs
****
Bedazzled smokestick
Lady’s a pimp too. She brushed
her shoulders right off
Frock’s holes, guitar picks
Equal bad fashion. Those shoes!
Just big toe juts out.
When getting ready
I forgot to do my hair.
Will the dress distract?
——————-
I might flash someone
With strategically placed holes.
I’ll be way famous!
——————-
People in the back
Unworthy to gaze at me
Must avert their eyes
Monogrammed faux fag
Can’t outshine my sequined crotch
Lady equals WAG
robotic beetles
eating their way up her dress
a big, smokin’ mess
My feet have been jailed!
Perhaps my frock should join them
And that chick’s tutu
Crotchroaches, Lady?
Good to know even the bugs
Want to shield our eyes.
Lady Vicks’ smokestick
Made me genuinely sick
Just like that holey dress
tethered to a hem
loose stones may break your bones, yet
stick will do no harm
These were AWESOME! I’m closing comments now; we’ll post our top three tomorrow and put them to a vote. It is going to be SO HARD to pick.