“Hola, lovers.”
“Por favor, excuse me for not greeting you with my usual exclamation point, but see, I am so very tired. My new hit show American Idol starts on Wednesday, and ay, I have worked so tirelessly to make sure that you have all heard of it and that you will watch! I have been talking to people, and going to auditions, and shooting that Entertainment Weekly cover with my fellow judges Al Roker and Cojo and Ellen DeGeneres! Do you know how hard it was keeping my foot in front of the camera for two hours? Nobody knows my pain, lovers. But I hope you will enjoy my show! It’s about how I single-handedly pluck someone from obscurity and turn them into a Wikipedia page! HAHAHAHA! My Marc wrote that joke for me. He is so funny. He had to explain to me that Wikipedia is not a page about people who are Wiccans. And then I LAUGHED. But really, it’s about me marrying a tiny tiny person to big, big fame. Which is why I’m wearing white. I am being the bride of celebrity that my new protegee is going to become! But of course I wear my veil on my shoulders. It is a SYMBOL, amigos. A symbol that my shoulders are head-and-shoulders above your… or… my shoulders… ay, lovers, I am too weary. Let us not talk. Let me just pose. Do it with me, lovers! HAHAHAHA. See what I did there? But seriously: Pose with me. You know the drill. Act like your eyes are burning. They are AFLAME, lovers, with JEALOUS RAGE. And then you are CONGESTED. You are so stuffy, you cannot breathe except through your mouth! Come on, lovers. Congested rage on three: Uno… dos… TRES.
“Perfecto! Even my Mark is impressed. I detached him for a few minutes because I did not want any red stains on my dress. And also, he smells a tiny bit. Shhh, don’t tell him, lovers, but es MUY CALIENTE out here, amigos, and he is in a black suit, and also his beard has the scent of graveyard dirt. Maybe we’ll make a perfume! We are moguls, lovers!
“Watch my new show and smell like my husband!
“Besos, J.”
Comments (43):
The actual dress is understated and quite nice but that Jellyfish/Ponch thing is just so random and really not needed. It was like 80 Degrees.
Boring and fug. That is all.
I’m with Willow. It’s like she looked at this classic silhouette and said NO! There MUST be SPARKLES!
My favorite was Alec Baldwin praising how good she looked. You know it was in his sarcastic voice
Willow nailed it. The actual dress is lovely. The jellyfish around her shoulders… just scary. Even the tiny starfish on her ears are scared.
I actually like the Jellyfish Poncho (good name!). Otherwise it would just be a boring white dress and people making cracks about brides. Instead, she ramped up the bridal-ness but turned it into something that couldn’t possibly be a wedding dress. Plus, she looks really really good, curvy and sexy as all get out but not so boobs-and-hips-in-your-face as she is sometimes, reinforced by the simple elegant hairstyle. So it works.
I LIKE the dress and the poncho. I think she looks really good.
The dialogue here is just spectacular. Is there some sort of Nobel Prize for impersonating celebrity thoughts? There should be.
JLO: I’m gonna wear white .So if i see my Benny.He will fall in love with me all over and marry me ….LaaLaa
Skeletor:What honey?..Do you like my new goat-tee?I think it make me look young .Like a young Ryan Gosling
JLO: Oh..nothing my little ratonsito..I’m just talking to myself.Yes, you remind me of Steve Busemi
Skeltor: I said Ry … nevermind.[Marc singing] I’m too sexy for my cat,Oh pussy cat ,I ‘m too sexy for food….
JLO: Oh that Marc such a kidder.Everyone knows he doesn’t eat He just drinks blood.That’s why he has that lovely look of death .Off to the Globes .World get ready for me..coz ..Jenni is back!
What @daiyami said. And points for the leg slit being sexy but not obnoxious.
@Chasmosaur – yes! There MUST be sparkles. But then, much of my fashion sense was formed when I was 8 years old. Judging from my Barbie’s wardrobe, she was a full time red carpet attendee who occasionally went skiing and did the odd nursing shift. No lie. Explains a lot.
@dalyami:
My wedding dress didn’t have a veil – I had an almost-knee-length, 4′ wide wrap of creamy silk tulle edged in a wide band of silk. So while my shoulder-adjacent netting lacked sparkle, I consider transparent shoulder-based articles to still be bridal
Can we get a book version of the Jennifer Lopez posts on here? Because seriously, I laugh out loud every time. They are too brilliant to be consigned solely to cyberspace.
I actually like this. It’s sort of retro, but pretty. But her FACE! The sour expression is so stuck up looking. But then again, I don’t think she can move her face. I think its botoxed to within an inch of its life.
I liked this, too. And I thought she was really gracious when she talked to Seacrest.
Ah yes. The Sexy Mouth pose…
ps I have been giggling over the EW cover with enormous shoe in foreground for a week. As usual, terrible photography on the EW covers – she’s totally generic diva…and Steven Tyler is magically wrinkle-free. Sorry to go off-topic!
It reminds me of the dress that Sandy wore to the dance at Rydell High. You know, where Danny totally dumper her for ChaCha?
Yeah, a fancy version of that. I expect John Travolta to show up in pink socks at any moment.
Oh noes! We have another Jessica Simpson Open Mouth victim. Though JLo suffers from squinty eye as well. She is doomed.
Acutally, I think she looks great. But it could be the GFY monologue that makes me love her so…
@ Cortni: Yes !!! Thank you !! I was trying to remember what her little poncho reminded me of. Where’s Sha Na Na?
@Cortini – that is SO ON POINT! I didn’t think of that until you said it! Oh Sandie!
gorgeous winter white gown, ruined by droopy cape. soooo tired of lopez pretending she has a bald-head-colored-with-shoe-polish for hair, it’s a lousy look. and she does not have the face to pull off nude lips either. nude lips and no hair combo make for a really weird unmade-mannequin look. that dress is so well-proportioned; too bad lolo gooped it up with her strangely overdone yet underdone lack of style. dios mio.
I think she looks great …love that the dress is understated glamour and sexy at the same time. The dress is as shown on the runway and without the cape/pancho it would be just be to simple just anyother dress.
However those shoes just make me drool
I love the complete look I think she kept it simple and sweet…I love watching Jlo dress up because she is not predictable….she looks very much LA SENORA . It looks to me that most of the stars last night went for the old HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR LOOK .
I actually think she looks great, and that the dress is retro and beautiful–I can imagine Elizabeth Taylor or Gina Lollobrigida wearing it (with a much more abbreviated slit) c. 1962, at which point a random cape on a dress would have been, you know, more de rigeur.
Honestly, I’m surprised at myself, but I kind of dig this…
I actually quite like the jelly fish poncho – hey, at least it’s something different? I think it adds something interesting to a dress that is otherwise flattering but nothing new.
And I applaud J.Lo for nearly always wearing something that flatters (at least on the red carpet – that weird bodysuit with sparkles thing she wore on stage was weeeird). Yes, perhaps she sometimes veers into boobalicious territory, but she generally wears something on the red carpet that interests me and is flattering at the same time, and she’s rarely that over the top with a ton of stuff showing.
Yes, she does suffer from over “smizing” from time to time, and she sometimes gets caught with her mouth a bit too open. But when 800 people are taking photos of you, it’s likely you’re going to get caught in an odd moment as you prepare your best pose = )
Anyway, I think I would have liked this more if it had maybe not been white (silver, grey or champagne maybe, if she wanted to stick with light and ethereal). But overall, she looks good, and the woman KNOWS her body.
Kudos to her for owning it every time.
I hate her hair, but the white sheath- without jellyfish cape- isn’t all that bad.
1) You’re right, best poncho.
2) Es muy caliente means very horny. Just sayin.
I love, love, love when you guys write dialogue for J. Lo. I laugh so hard! By the way, I liked the sparkly poncho. Wonder what that says about me!
I’m chiming in to agree with Eric and Lanae. I LOVE the JLo posts!!!
Extremely hot and inappropriate mother of the bride, or else Elizabeth Taylor marries for the tenth time…
Either MOB or else she grabbed the sparkly-edged cloth off her dressing table on her way out the door.
She looks amazing! Love it! And I am not even a fan of hers.
I thought this made her look schlumpy. The edge of the poncho landing where it does, takes away the effect of the cinching in at the bodice, so she just looks WIDE. Exacerbated by the fact that there is no hair to balance it out…this dress just didn’t do her any favors.
Like the dress. Not crazy about the poncho, think the dress would’ve looked better without it. Less is more in this case, lol.
JLo-iciously played! It’s kinda crazy but in the JLo way, and it’s really figure-flattering. If it didn’t have the poncho, it’d be a bridal snoozefest, so I’m pro-poncho. It’s JLo, after all. Not too many other women can own the hell out of a sparkly poncho!
Oh my. The poncho. A smattering of silver sequins across the bust of the white dress would have been just sparkly enough.
Please say you’re going to do a post on the feathery-tutu/poncho thing she wore to the afterparty…
Honestly, everybody else just looked soooooo blah! But J-lo saved it for me, dress drapes her beautifully as always! The cape gives it just a little something extra, that surprisingly for me…works!
I’m pretty sure Blanche from Golden Girls is styling J.Lo from the great beyond.
We saw her spanx when she was holding up the dress as she walked on stage. AYYYY! The curtain is pulled back.
Slit too high. Bust too low. Waaaaay too much bedazzler on the cape thing. But overall B+. Oh yea, and she needs to wipe that smug off her face, makes me want to slap her.
I think she looked amazing in this dress! It is elegant and sparkly and highlights her figure. This is one of my Globe favorites.
were you trying to sound latino? she doesn’t talk like that. at all.
”besos”.
She looks old in that dress. What is she…a grandma? What’s up with the cape/bolero thing??? She always tries too hard. A has been, no talent, washed up star!!!! She needs to go away. No one cares!!!
This pendeja can do retro like no other. Bitch esta STUNNING.
The dress itself is quite elegant. The drape around her shoulders is…a little too much. I think had it been a shrug that hung around her shoulders or arms it would’ve been fine. Glamorous, but understated enough to keep the dress the main focus.